This week needs to be over!

Do you ever feel like everyone in the world HATES you? Welcome to my life at the moment.  I feel like I can't say or do the right thing, to make anyone happy.  When I say something it comes across wrong.  When I do something it's not right.  I'm sick and tired of being walked on! Certain people in my life ( who will remain nameless) just make me totally feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them other wise I can't do or say anything correctly.  Why do I spend so much time and energy making sure other people are happy, Why can't I be happy?

God is a huge rely on source for me.  Without Him, I am nothing.  It is so hard to look past that sometimes and to get so caught up in life.  I find myself, giving myself a reality check in order to realize what really matters.  I'm just feeling tired.   Tired of making everyone happy.  GOD I DON"T KNOW HOW TO NOT DO IT! HELP!

I've said it on Facebook, and I will say it again, I cannot wait for this week to be over! i can't wait to be seeing my brother and sister in law, and my nephew! And! to top it all off, I get to spend New Years with some of our best friends! Needless to say, We cannot wait for this vacation!

Today is Today, Tomorrow is Tomorrow.....

Over the last couple months I have started to realize just how much my anxiety and stress over ALL the little things, is causing me to have such bad health issues.  I've had to be put on anti-anxiety meds, depression meds, started going to the chiropractor, and just had to deal with really bad headaches.  So lately I have really come to terms with said saying, "Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow."  It's time to let GO, and let GOD.  For real this time!
I feel like I have been trying to let other people, medication, excuses fix me in some strange way that I can't even explain.  I've been riddling myself with excuses of why things are happening to me, when under  my own nose, I am the one that can fix all of it.  I just need to 1). Start working out 2). Start giving everything I have over to my heavenly Father 3). Start taking ownership of myself. 4) Just start living!

* Once I got married, I think I let everything in life get in my way of having fun! I seriously can't relax, and just have fun! I used to be able to do it all the time! I think now it's going to be part of letting go.  I need to realize, I do have purpose, I do matter, and people actually do care.  I need to put my family first and realize that Justin and I are a family and having a child will not make us a family.  Having a child will bring an addition to our family.  I've been through a lot in my life, more so emotionally.    But those things, don't make me who I am today.  I am what I make of it.

So as of today, I have weened myself off my anti anxiety med's, handing it over to God and being thankful for what I have, I've been owning myself and decisions more, and feeling a sense of freedom.  I'm thankful for the people who have stuck by my side and uplifted me.  You know who you are!

*Loves

Long time, No Blog....

I have missed you all.  It's definitely been a while since I last posted anything,  mostly to the fact that all that has been going on is health issues.  I have been dealing with migraines lately, and let me tell you, they are not fun! at all! The doc has been trying to figure out med's for me.  I also see a neurologist next week. I am hoping that we will find some answers there.  These days I have been feeling pretty blah, and it's really showing.  I cannot get motivated to go to the gym, I don't have much energy to do anything.
In the midst of it all I am trying to be really optomistic and see what God is doing through me and in me.  I'm trying to see what is going to positively come out of this? Is it to make me stronger, to meet someone to share Him with that person, or what?! Is it to make Justin and I stronger and to help make our relationship stronger, I just don't know.  All I do know is I have amazing people by my side and Justin has been amazing through it all.
I know I need to get healthy.  I am at my worst right now.  Healthy wise, weight wise too, but my focus is more on my health at the moment.  I need to get rid of the headaches or find the root cause.  I need to learn how to manage them appropriately.  I feel that my sinusitis is somewhat under control.  I think since I was on the steroid, it has been better.  I just need to continually take really good care of that.  I need to start putting myself first.  I know that when I have other things to focus on, I focus on that and not me.  Well I need to stop being lazy when it comes to my health.  I am lazy, and I hate it! I'm done with it.  I just have to do it, and it's not going to get any easier.

I love watching the biggest looser, because I see these people and I can relate to what they feel, and how hard it is for them.  I know their struggles with food, and being tired because you are over weight.  I get it! I'm there.  I'm heavier than some of those girls on there! SO i know if they can, I can.  It's just a matter of staying motivated, and making lifestyle changes.   This is what I want.  That is the life I always wanted: healthy, active, peaceful.  Right now I am the exact opposite! So baby steps to where I need to be with getting there.   

Thankfulness

My new challenge to myself with going through this rough patch, is trying to find thankfulness in all that I do, say, see, hear.  Among all of my health stuff going on and trying to change my attitude right along side all of that, I have been feeling so down  and can't get out of it.  I remember seeing something that my sister-in-law Jenn posted one day about Thankfulness and Attitude.  It has really reemed me hard in the head and in the heart.  God wants us to gives thanks! and praise His name for all we have! Amongst ALL my annoying complaining, I was drowing out how greatful I am for things. 

I find myself daily talking to God now, and just giving him a laundry list of things I'm thankful for.  I tell Him why I am so thankful for the things I pray about.  I feel like my heart is starting to change as well.  This week one verse has really stuck with me, Philippeans 4:6 "Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, give your requests to God."  Now, I know this verse is saying to give everything to God because His hands are in all we do, but I also find this verse to be a reminder that as much as God wants us to give everything to Him, we need to THANK Him for EVERYTHING! God loves a greatful heart. 

I know Thanksgiving is coming up, so I challenge you all to start today until Thanksgiving, (maybe it will stick longer) to Thank Him for anything and everything.  See how your outlook on life changes a tad. 

Blessings on all of you!

Thanks for listening. 

Uphill Battle....

So..It's been a few weeks, I think since my last post. There's been alot going on with me health wise, and I'm still in the small uphill battle with it, but I'm almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

For the past 2 years, I've been struggling with Choric Sinusitis.  It started as acute and went to Chronic.  This has meant countless headaches and migranes, pain to the touch in my face, being overly tired from my body trying to fight it, countless amount of anti-biotics and major pain meds to cope with the headaches.  I recently was FINALLY referred to an ENT.  This next week I will go on a steroid to see if it will help my sinus lining reduce down.  It is thickened and causing some of the stress.   Hopefully that will work. 

My other problem I am currently dealing with is Anxiety.  I just went to the doctor yesterday and I was having a random anxiety attack, and it completely affected my blood pressure.  They couldn't get a good reading on it, due to it.  I am taking all the necessary steps to help myself control it.  I have group classes, and I will be seeing a counselor.  I'm starting to feel better as time goes on, now that I'm aware of what the problem really is, i'm finding that I can breathe through it a little better.  I have NO CLUE as to what set this off.  It's progressively gotten worse over the last while, so I feel like there is some end in sight. 

I started reading a book called, "Lord, change my attitude before it's too late."  I got it from my sister in law Jenn, who is going through the bible study part of the book with her women's group.  It looked interesting, since I'm  really struggling with my attitude lately, so I bought it.  Boy have I already gotten so much out of it! I'm in love with this book.  The author, who is also a pastor, puts thing into the clearest perspective.  I feel like this book was written just for me! (which is so not true) or maybe it was.  God is so amazing, I'm finding just how real God is, and just how much He HATES complaining which is something I do VERY well.  I have always thought myself to be a God fearing woman, but I really wasn't.  Now I am.   I am more in love with God now than I ever have been.  I want to please Him, not disappoint Him by my bad choices or my bad attitude.  I want to be thanful for everything I have from Him, not complain about every little thing. 

Today I am so thankful for friends and family,, who has steadily supported me through this process.  It is wasn't for you, I wouldn't have thet strength to do it.  I thankful that our God is a God of healing, and LOVE!

Favies

Seeing as it is MONDAY and I absolutely despise MONDAY, I have decided to write about some of my favorite things.

One of my newest favorite things that make my <3 just got pitter pat, is



I have been so inspired and have really started dreaming and using my imagination again.  My crafty side is coming out again, and it really make me feel rejuvenated.  I now feel like instead of buying something new, I can rejuvenate it with something!

My next favorite thing...is more really like a person.   She is:

She has really become one of my favorite bloggers, and her food we have often in our household.  Honestly the more I read her blog and get to know her, I feel like she is one of my gal pals and we talk about everything and she totally get's my wacky ways..

I mean doesn't she just look like the nicest lady you have ever met in your life! 

So with that being said, she really does make some amazing food! And to top it all, I really feel like I live on the ranch where she live.   I know that' s a bit creepy, but it's the TRUTH!   

Another thing that I absolutely love is what I like to call ocean breezeeeeeeeeeeeeee................

This past weekend we were celebrating my nephew Silas McCormick's dedication with the fam bam, and up where they live in Oxnard, they get the most delicious ocean breeze.  It is rejuvenating and delicious.  It makes me feel like this...

yup i feel like a reed swaying in the wind.......

I'll update you on my favorite things....but for now those are just some.  

Half Dome

So as I'm contemplating how i'm going to about getting motivation to really truly get back into shape, I was reading an article on how a famous athlete gets motivation after an injury/ any kind of set back.  I realized through reading this article, that I need to simply focus on one goal.

Yes, this is how you climb the infamous Half Dome.  My close friend Megan climbed it with our other good friend Sophie and I think she said it took them 12 hours! Ummm.....what?   12 HOURS? YES! I think this sounds like a challenge.  I think I just might have to do this.

So my goal is going to be to climb Half Dome next year when Justin and I go to Yosemite with Kathy and Andrew in June 2012.   Now, I realize this is an all day thing, but I really want to have an accomplishment in my life in the physical activity world.  I think this will help me get to my goal, of being the healthy I want to be.  I want to just feel good.  I'm starting to be put on so many med's, and different antics that I'm scared because I'm way to young for all of this.  I can do this! I want to do this! I will not be fat and LIMITED my entire life! 

Balance

One of my amazing, most genuine, most amazing best friends is currently and has been on the hunt for balance in her life.  I try to help her and give her sound advice about her job and life in general, as well as just listen to what she is going through.  She has a tough job, a respectable job, but non the less it is a very tedious and demanding job.  Last night while we hung out after an amazing kickoff to Glendale Relay for Life, we were talking about balancing life again.  I suddenly realized that as much as my life looks balanced on the outside....it's really not.  

So then I started to think about what is my problem! Mostly I think about why I cannot get fully motivated to loose weight.  What is keeping me back? Why can I find EVERY in the book to not do it! When I had my personal trainer, Keva, for 3 weeks, I did pretty well actually.  I was pretty proud of myself.   But when it came to cardio on my own, I completely failed.  I came up with some reason why I couldn't make it to the gym that day.  To tell you the truth, I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety issues lately, and it is finally to the point where my doctor thinks I need to see a psychiatrist.  Oh JOY! 

WAIT WHAT! 

A psychiatrist? Are you kidding me?....were my thoughts exactly! I do not want meds, I do not want someone telling me I'm crazy! 

Which is exactly how it makes me feel! 

But I figure if i'm there to talk about anxiety, then maybe I will be fine.  Maybe they will just tell me ways I can channel my anxiety to be productive.  

More so than anything along side anxiety, I think all of this comes down to my self worth.  How much do I think I am worth to be healthy? For me, for Justin, for our future kiddos.  Apparently, it must not be very high if I can't do anything about it.  I just wonder when will that change?  What needs to happen in order for me to be kicked in the gut and realize that it's a lifestyle and not just something I need to do.  What is it that is going to click?  All these things ring true in my mind, and yet I cannot get the will power to get off the dang couch and move! I feel intimidated and almost lost in myself when these feelings come into play of me not wanting to do it.  

Anywho.......all my friends have tried to help me in some way, and I just couldn't get through it.  Hopefully there will be a change sooner than later.  For my health's sake.  

Houses and Thankfulness........

So I know it's been a while since I last posted, and I keep thinking how much I love to blog, but I always forget.

So here it goes....

The past couple weeks have been pretty action packed, emotionally filled, and hectic crazy for us.  We have been all over the place, including vacation.  We went to lake Tulloch with some very dear friends, and we had a great time! Then we came home to the daily grind and things have been non-stop! I signed up for a couple sessions of personal training to start getting back on track.  It's been going well and now my sessions are over.  I feel blessed to have the trainer that I did, as she really helped me see working out in a positive way again.

For the past 4 weeks or so we have been looking into and getting as much information about the real estate world.  We have out weighed the pros and cons, and the pros win! lol.  We are casually looking into buying a home and seeing where God wants us to be.  The beginning process has been pretty fast, and we are not getting our hopes up for anything, as we want to make sure we are making the best possible decision for our family.  Let me list you some of our pro's and our con's.  (Mostly because I'm a list maker and they make me happy)

PRO's :

• Investment
• Saving our money on rent as everything our there that is more than a 2 bedroom is ridiculously expensive and we can't afford it.  
• We can have write off's! 
• Having a safe, homey place to bring home our babies.  

CON's:

• Having to pay for everything ourselves. Even repairs.
• What if one of us looses our job, especially Justin. 
• It being a little further away than we would like, commuting. 

Ultimately there are way more pro's and con's, and i'm sure for those of you who have already bought your own home, you would say we shouldn't do it.  We feel very at peace with this decision and we are getting educated on what everything means and entails.  We have and are still doing our homework. 

  

Aside from all of this....I am just feeling over all blessed.  I have also realized that I have not pushed myself to my full potential.  Through different various occurances through different people in my life, this past week has shown me really how truly blessed i am.  I am the only one who is holding myself back from anything.  I used to have so many excuses of why things were bad, and crappy.  Not anymore.  I am in control of everything around me, what happens to me, what I do to others, and how my life plays out (well God has the upper hand in that one).  I won't go into specifics of what has happened, nothing bad, but just huge reminders of what I have.  What I can be.   I feel thankful for those things that have shown me reality.     

With that said, my daily goal, is to keep a thankful, fulfilled heart everyday.  There are so many people in my life I look up to and I'm reminded of that when I see those special people.  Mostly Justin.  He is the biggest influence in my life, and I cherish him to the core.  

Letting GO.....

BEWARE

......Flat out truths about myself are to be exposed.........

Today I was sitting at my desk.... reading a friends blog who recently (like today) was featured on a blog as a guest, and I realized how much control I try to have over things I really shouldn't worry about and get upset and sick over.  I realize that there are a couple factors that go into this.

1.  My attitude...  A few years ago, my lovely mother-in-law gave us this amazing paper on attitude.  It's so true.  I just get so lazy and exhausted of life, that my attitude goes out the window.  I have so much room to improve my attitude, that I really need to start living the way God wants me to and be who He created me to be.

2.  Let Go, and Let God...I will admit that I have put no time in towards devotions, prayer time, and talking    to God about my worries and fears.   I have no real trust in my Heavenly Father, because I haven't worked at building that relationship to a solid foundation.  This is where I have always lacked due to      not having a solid relationship with God growing up.  Letting go and letting God, this is very difficult for me to do.  I know how easy it is, but it seems so hard.  I want this in my life, I just need to stop and take the time.  Life is crazy, but not crazy enough for God.  

3.  Talking more with my husband.... Once again my attitude gets in the way.  Being tired, at the end of the day I just want to sit in peace and be.  Not only do we just sit around and eat dinner but we just watch TV and then the important stuff comes up at bedtime, when we are exhausted, and then a fight pursues because we are SOOOOO tired.  One way we have started working on this....is WALKING! We accomplish so much more, and we can walk and talk it out.  BUT!  We don't do it often enough....  


I have such an amazing life, and am given such amazing opportunities, I just weight myself down with my own worries and own insecurities. 


So I need a MAJOR attitude adjustment.  My outlook on life, my emotions towards my job, my husband, my home life, how I live my life, how I serve my GOD, how I TRUST my GOD.

Important
***Please don't get the wrong impression of me... I love God, I love my husband. There are just things in my life I feel I need to be real about in order to work on them.  There are many aspects of my life that need work.  I want to go to heaven and be told " Well done my good and faithful servant," by the One who I serve.***

Lake Arrowhead!

This past Friday, Justin and I headed up to Lake Arrowhead for a family mini vacation! It was so relaxing! We had some good times just chillin' like villains and being with each other.  We stayed in a beautiful 8 bedroom house and we also had access to the UCLA  Conference Center.  Which meant, we got to use the Facilities! Beach on the lake, pool, oodles of things to do!
Mostly, we just hung out! Justin and I took a jaunt over to Big Bear Lake on Sunday afternoon, where his Aunt and Uncles usually stays up there on the weekends during the summer months.

We loved being able to spend time with Amy's, my sister in law, parents as well.  They were able to come up and be with us and we also were able to celebrate Kay's 61st birthday! It was such a great time, and the boys had some good bonding time.  I love when Justin gets to hang out with my brother, because I have always thought Matt and Amy wise.  I have always received such sounds advice from them, but most of all I really cherish it from my brother Matt.  So the boys played with their race cars and had some good "man time."

Overall awesome weekend! It was perfect weather, perfect scenery, and perfect time.

Our favorite verse....

So today I revamped our page.  I hope you like it....i'm not an html genius so there are a few flaws but I will choose to ignore them.  lol.   And I guess that gives away about how hard I work at work..shhhh... lol.  On the header it has the bible verse Jeremiah 29:11


 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   


When I first met Justin, on our first date..... He prayed for our meal.  He was the first man I've ever gone out with who actually took initiative and prayed! Not to much later he let me in on his favorite bible verse, and this was it! Jeremiah 29:11.  Now I have always liked this verse, but Justin LOVES this verse.  Over the years, I know why.  It has also become my favorite verse out of the bible, because those words have such a strong meaning.  Our 3 years of marriage have been a rocky road with things like money, jobs, finances.  This gives us such a strong hope and security.  It is the best reminder that we will be okay and the God  will ALWAYS provide.  


It's funny...looking back He always has provided.  I remember a time right after I had lost my job and we had no money to pay our bills.  Not even to buy groceries... One day we received an unexpected tax return check in the mail of $500.00.  I don't know how it happened or where the error was.  It totally got us through and we had food on our table that month.  It was incredible.  Time and time again, God has always been right there holding our hands and holding us up.  He is the best daddy ever! ( So are you dad!) 


I hope you all can find as much meaning in this verse and find the same hope and security that we have found in it.  It is perspective and life changing.  

Distance makes the HEART grow fonder......

So this past week, I took off to Washington DC~  Our really good friends Craig and Jenn actually took me with them! Craig had to work this past weekend and Jen actually went with.  They realized last week that while Craig was working, Jen would just be sitting in the hotel room doing nothing! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!! So after trying to get one of her sisters to go I was the lucky one chosen! hahaha! I took a red eye flight(which i'm never doing EVER again) out on thursday night, got there friday morning and we started on our journey! Jen and I walked everywhere and saw everything and even got a hang of the metro! we didnt' get lost not even once! ( i can't say that about the many tickets i lost.. meaning I lost my metro ticket!).
We had so much fun! We wen't out to dinner with Craig's co-workers one night and they were very lovely people! We had a blast! So after being gone for 4 days, not having my husband there, but being with totally awesome people, my was really starting to miss my hubs! I mean I've never been away from him for so long, that I can remember.  a few days.... but almost 6 days! (including travel).  Not cool! So I will probably never go by myself again without him.  Whenever I saw something totally cool, I said to Jen......man Justin would have loved that! There is just something totally priceless of sharing something like that with the one you love, and both being equally excited about it!

To say the least, I am very thankful for the Westerbeek's and letting me come along and being so gracious to me the whole trip! Now it's back into the swing of things.....It's nice and you almost forget how much you can miss the daily grind....when the one you LOVE is in the midst of it.
Justin had a great time filling his weekend with lot's of cool things....He got to go on a ride along with his brother Darrin, He got to hang out with his friend Andrew, and see his family! what a cool way to catch up!

Anywho! hope ya'll are having an awesome weekend!

Loves

My Birthday and Baby Silas.....Pure Joy!

So for the past couple days Justin and I have been celebrating alot of things! For one, my brother Matt and his wifey Amy, just gave birth to their new baby boy, Silas McCormick Hawkins. 

He is perfect in every single way.  I have to say... they make some beautiful little kiddos.  We got the call on Sunday the 15th at about 15 to 8p.m. that Amy was going into hard labor.  Now this is no regular let's go to the hospital.... visiting hours are over.... blah blah blah... Amy is SUPERWOMAN! She had both Ali Joy and Silas at home! What a peaceful place to birth your own children! It was such a precious moment to not be around beeping and nurses bugging you, and it was awesome to just come over, plop myself on their bed and say hi to my new nephew! Amy did so awesome, she and Matt make some rather large babies.  He was 9 lbs 8 oz.  Ali was one pound less. 

On another note, it was my Birthday on Tuesday.  Which means...I was able to spend my birthday with some very important and awesome people.  In the couple days that I spent celebrating all these things...There are just a few people I haven't been able to see and you know who you are JENNN WESTERBEEK! and Craigory! lol..  

Someone took this awesome picture of my brother matt holding Silas' hands and me looking in awe.....

Over all this was the best birthday, considering up until sunday I pretty much had forgotten it was my birthday until Justin told me, EVER! It was so relaxing and I had my man, and my family, and friends.  It was super awesome!

One truely blessed woman right here.
Loves!

Easter and a season of blessings........

Feeling the presence of God in your life is the BEST feeling in the world. Knowing that HE is in control, it can't get any better. And that is just what is going on in our lives at this moment! I know Justin and I have our ups and our downs but I love when are up and when life is right where it is supposed to be. I think it has to do more with my attitude on life, than anything else. God is always present, but it's if we are quiet enough to hear him. Through all the chaos that is our life, if you feel like He is not there.....oh He is! I think He just gets a little quieter so we really realize that we need to calm, slow, and be quiet so we can hear HIM!
I know a few posts ago, I wrote about how our life was spiraling out of control. Now it seems the complete opposite. Our life is still chaotic, but I feel a peace with knowing that as long as I put in my part, God will do the rest. I love my husband with such a love, I can't describe it. He is AMAZING! God gave him to me, and I will forever be greatful.
This sunday is Easter. I have never really felt, or realized what it all means. I mean I grew going to service and doing the whole Easter thing. I know why we celebrate it. I know Jesus died and rose again. But not until this year, I have felt the presence of God so preverently in my life. I finally feel like I am celebrating the death and ressurection of my Father! So close to me like a family member. I feel the angst that comes when someone dear to you dies. It's kind weird. Except there's an extreme twist.....He LIVES! It's so awesome! It makes my heart dance and sing to realize this fact. It helps me realize who we have lost in the past and that we will see them again. I feel like I am no longer afraid to die. The enemy cannot trick me into being afraid anymore. I won't be tricked.

I love GOd with all that I am. I love my husband with that same love, just on a different level. I feel so blessed with so many things in our life right now. I am so greatful. Our IRS troubles are gone! (at least for this year, lol) What a weight gone! We are doing so good in getting rid of our debt, I am so proud of us! It makes me realize we will not be in this place our entire lives. It is so freeing!!!!!!!!!!

Blessings on you all this Easter season! HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!

If you just realize, what I just realized.....

I just realized that if Justin and I are soooooooo diligent and consistant and focused we could be out of debt in 10 months....10 MONTHS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How big of a relief is that. I'm talking about our financial program we are in. we will have one more credit card to drop after that and we really will be DONE! DONE! DONE! THis is incredible! God has been so graceous to us and he hasn't let us down. I feel like there are so many wonderful things happening in our life right now, I just couldn't Not share. LIFE IS GOOD! What a great feeling I have! Loves.....ambs

Jobs, Hopes and Dreams......

So as of yesterday Justin was given a raise at his review! He received a 2.5% raise, and he is expected to get a 4% raise in July! We are beyond blessed. This will happen every year as long as he is at City of Hope. It truly is a City of Hope, not only for the patients who get admitted there, but for the employees of that wonderful place. We have been overwhelmed by God's grace and support for us by giving Justin this amazing job. He is often very tired, but he thrives off of it. He loves every second he is at work! They also just launched the new blood mobile for City of Hope! It's AWESOME! I took a tour through it after the dedication/ribbon cutting ceremony that was held this past monday. I can't believe the generosity of the donor, for giving such a beautiful contribution to this awesome cause! Just remember...BLOOD=LIFE! As for me, Monday April 4th will be my last day working at Starbucks. I have gained more hours at the architectural job that I have. I'm not completely at 40 hours, but this will give me more time to focus on doing hair on the side. I was really missing doing it, so this will be exciting for me. I am doing a wedding in May, consisting of the Bride, and 4 or 5 bridesmaids. I'm really excited! I'm also doing Amy's (my sister in law) mom's hair for Ruthie (Amy's sister) wedding. So that will be fun! I feel so excited to look back at the last 6 months and see where God has directed me. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. No, I don't make as much as I would like to, or have the full 40 hours I would like to, but I am HAPPY! I'm already starting to feel more balanced, and will continue to strive to be balanced. We are still working on getting out of debt, but it's hard. We don't have much more coming in, and with getting hit pretty hard by the IRS on owing them $2000.00, we have been set back quite a bit. Which in turn means it is going to take even longer to have a child. We want to be completely out of credit card debt when we have our first kid. All the credit cards that are in our Debt Program we had to cancel, so it makes no sense not to get rid of those before we have a child. We have CONTROL over that much, the rest is fine. We just really want to be financially okay before we bring a child into this world. So I guess that's it for now.. Sorry it has been a while since I have updated. I miss all of you terribly, and I know I don't get to see your faces as often as we would like to. Hopefully this will keep up updated as to what is going on in our lives! Love you all, Blessings, Amber

Tragedy, God, and Loss....

For the past couple weeks I have been reading and keeping updated on a family back in Indiana. Here is a link to her blog http://lisahusmann.wordpress.com/. I don't particularly know these people, but their story has deeply touched me and I have faithfully been praying for them. As of last night Jaxton passed away at only 2 weeks of life. He was a miracle baby to live that long. They are truly a remarkable family of God and their strength and love for God just astounds me.

Hearing the news of the horrific tsunami that hit Japan, just tore me apart today as I was sitting at my desk this morning watching devastating videos of the tragedy. I have this deep gut feeling that we, living in California are next. Not to say that I know exactly when that will happen or if it even will, but I worry.

I know that my faith has staggered off and on, which is funny how if you think about it.. God doesn't love us one day and then phase out of my life for a few weeks or months....No....He is always there....So why do i have such a hard time being focused on Him all the time. I don't leave Justin for any given time, he is my husband. I hate that something tragic makes me draw closer to HIM, when it should be all the time. I hear....."the end times are near, get your heart right with God." That is so a cop out. It should always be right with God. He is your father, your healer, your protector, your grace, and your Love of all time.

I have been really bitter lately in regards to God and I think life in general. With so much going on, I know I need to draw near to Him, but I don't, I push away. I have always done so. I hate that I do this. There is so much hate and fear and horrible things going on in the world, that why would you want to feel more alone than ever, when you can feel safe and loved by the One who controls everything in this world! His love is never ending, never failing, always true. i know these words, I hear them, I say them. But I just can't get it! I love God with all of my being, why can't I nurture our relationship?

I feel guilty for the way I act and feel. God deserves more from me.....He deserves all of me. not just when I feel like it. I want to give ALL of me to Him! I guess it just comes down to priorities. I know this has turned into an Amber blog, not a Gerhart family update blog, and for that I'm sorry. Most of what I blog about, effects Justin as well. Our spiritual life, not just mine. Our finances, not just mine. I'm feeling so much sadness for so many at this time, I can't help to call on the One who can heal and save.

On a lighter note, we are going out tonight with our friends Jenn and Craig. Craig is sending us girls out to dinner! What a guy! It will be good to catch up and have GIRL TIME!

Hope you all have a great day!

Loves!

Confused/Lost/and Thankful

Hey Guys!

I know it's been a while since I've blogged....So here goes.......

Life as of now, is so totally unbalanced it's not funny. Both for Justin and I. Church, work, spiritual life, fun, family, friends, none of them exist except for work. How could this be? How can we get so carried away by work and unhealthy habits, that we are just spiraliing down into a really bad situation. Earlier this month, last month, we got slammed with some pretty hard news from the IRS, that is going to be a major set back for us, like a year long set back. We are just frustrated moreso with it, than anything.

We still haven't decided on a church yet, that we both like. So we are still on the hunt for that. I think it is taking it's toll, between working some Sundays and not being able to go, and then just being more resentful that we can't attend, and we are so tired. Working on our marriage is just not happening, and spending quality time in front of the tv does not count as quality time. Which in turns means we are so exhausted we don't want to do anything but sit. We don't go to the gym, we don't read the Bible or spend time doing a devotion. These are all things that we long for in our life, but jsut can't get the fire to do so. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!!!

So, now that I have ranted and raved. How can we fix or enrich our lives? One I need to get a full time job. I'm not sure what the looks like right now, but it needs to happen. I can't have this eratically crazy job schedule anymore. I love my achitectural job, but I need 40 hours, and I can't have that. So now everything is on me and it's a sucky place to be in. Let me tell you. It's so hard, Justin has found his nitch, and loves love loves what he does. I'm so thankful for that. But i feel just left in the dust and it's totally my own fault. i can't believe that I have done this to myself.

POSTIVES:

• AMAZING Apartment to live in for really cheap!
• Justin has an AMAZING JOB!
• We both own cars that are reliable!
• We both have AMAZING family who support us!
• WE LOVE EACH OTHER!
• God is on our side and is routing in our corner for us to be GREAT!
• I HAVE a JOB! (2 to be exact).

SOOOO...

We have a lot of amazing things going for us. We just need to realize that life IS NOT perfect, and it IS hard. So we need to just suck it up and go!

THanks for listening/reading whats going on. We just ask for prayer as we are trying to figure life out. We love you and are praying for you all as well!

Ambs

Vacations and being....Broke!

So Justin and I recently took a mini vacation to Monterey! My wonderful parent's sent us there as a Christmas present, and it was wonderful, besides me being sicky! This was just one of the fabulous views we encountered on our trip. This was our view eating lunch one afternoon. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!

One thing Justin and I told ourselves this year, is we would be taking vactions.....even if they were mini. We have missed out on 2 and a half years of not doing this and we feel it is a vital part of our marriage, spending quality, fun time together. We have been so serious for 2 years and had no stress relief, that no matter what it IS happening. So far so good. We are headed to Vegas this coming weekend...like in 2 days! With our very best of married freinds Craig and Jenn! woot woot! So excited!!!!! The only problem is.....we are broke! lol...




Let me explain.......since we haven't been on a vacation in so long, we have never had to budget for one. We wen't a little crazy...ok....alot crazy in Monterey. We knew we had 2 vacations this month....but we were lets face it, DUMB! So now we are broke but going to have a fabulous time!




These are elephant seals we saw on the way up! There were thousands of them!


Justin and I are learning about how to be financially responsible...all the time.....sometimes we are good at it and sometimes we FAIL...miserably. It is life! it's a learning process all the time. We can't be right on all the time.... We LEARN from our mistakes and pray that God helps us choose better next time. What we really should be doing is asking God to bless us, and be fruitful with what HE gives us! We know we can do this. It just sucks sometimes. We do have awesome parents and family and amazing friends who help us and encourage us along the way. In the end......life is not so bad.....it's wonderful!

Contentment

So i'm finally feeling contentment and consistent motivation after a long time of not....if not ever. I have looked back on my life a realized points in my life where I have seen myself grow and mature. I think I have been waiting for that next moment for a long time. I feel like I haven't progressed until now. When I mean progress, I mean emotionally. I haven't really felt like an adult, because I have had so many times in my life where I don't really complete things I want to do or say I want to do. I don't have very good follow through. I've been better at not making promises I cannot keep. I have also found a very effective way in making sure I stick to things. I make small, very small goals for myself. This week I have actually progressed with school a bit. I had a counselor appointment on tuesday and felt so good about it. She told me I have way more units and that's great for a returning student. I have 106 units, and 42 transferable units. As of right now, I am trying to get into a life planning class that is completely full. We shall see where that goes. If I have to wait until Fall, I will, but I will get in eventually. I'm not sure where I want to go after my AA is done, but God has a plan, and His plan is perfect.

Another way I am coping with not being overwhelmed and sticking to my guns is, i'm not looking so far into the future like I used to. I used to stress myself out by looking so far into the future and not be able to cope with not being able to control it. It was very difficult. Hey God is in control, NOT me. So let's see what He has in store for Justin and I. I can feel myself grow as i get better control on my life, and accept what is, will be. I have the power to change my weight, my spiritual life, what I eat, how I treat others, and my attitude. I DON"T have the power to change the future. I am OK with that! I feel like I have come to terms and realized so much in the past few months. It feels awesome!

As for some more awesome news...Justin just got a call yesterday and he recieved a promotion at work! It's is only a dollar more an hour, but it is something he really wanted to do, and he is in heaven! City of Hope is getting a blood mobile hopefully by March. Justin will be in charge of it and driving it. He will mostly be on blood drives, and he will be in charge of more logistical things. He is so excited for this oppourtunity and can't wait to start! You should have seen him when he got the call last night....he jumpeed up and down like a little kid! (luckily we don't have neighbors below us yet!)We are so excited! We went to dinner with my parents to celebrate!

So I guess that's all for now..... Just a little thought......

peace and love....

School? Maybe.......

So after much talking and ranting last night before bed (poor justin sounded like he was in a buble and actually couldn't talk very loud, cause he is sicky), I think Justin and I have decided one of us has to go back to school and its going to be ME! I am so close to getting my AA, I'm not sure how many classes away I am, but I'm almost there. I have put it off long enough. I am going to apply and see if I can't get into any classes this spring, if not, I will be there for the Fall 2011 semester. I really enjoy taking classes online and I actually do really well. I'm a little old for being in class and doing all that. So my next goal and mission in life, if I choose to accept, IS going back to school.

I have been saying this for a while now, and I know most of you who really know me, are thinking.....uh huh.,.... okay amber...good luck with that one! Well I am here to proove you wrong and myself. I have to do this. Who knows what will come of it. Fact is...I'm bored. What do you do when you are bored...You do something about it! Yes!Depending on what we can afford(since the state is raping community college students in fees), I will take one class at a time or 2. It just depends.

So my challenge for the next while......Work 2 jobs, get more involved with Church, find a balance in life through weight watchers and exercise, and go back to school. I can do it...I'm wonder woman! Maybe we shall see just how strong I really am.

Time for a new Amber Leigh Gerhart. Time for some strength in her soul. I shall find that. And i DO choose to accept.

the end.

A new chapter

I have recently been inspired by some really awesome people in my life to completely change the way I live my life. My best friend Kathy has really inspired me to really start living a healthy lifestyle. I see her drive and it makes me want to be a better person. She does such amazing things through her work and her personal life, she is a real blessing to me and the way I think. So I have joined Weight Watchers Online. Today is my first day and probably not the best day to join, but I really think this will help considering I am paying 18 dollars a month for the program. So we shall see where this journey takes me. My real inspiration to loose weight, is to have children. I refuse to let a baby grow in an unhealthy body. If I am to be its provider, it doesn't have a choice of the surroundings it grows in, I DO. I will be the best and provide the best for Our children. I have also made the choice to go back to the gym. So far this week I have gone once and the first day back was great! It's just a matter of making right choices and making time to go. With two jobs, life is super crazy.

Secondly, I have been inspired by a conversation my two sister in laws from Facebook. My awesome sister in law Sam is having trouble with my nephew William( who is amazingly adorable) waking up at 4a.m.! Sam is a working mama and obviously this just isn't condusive to a working mom's life! ( I would be a mess). My other amazing sister in law Jenn, made a suggestion that I really took to heart. She stated that when she went through it with her kiddos, she simply used that time for prayer and reflecting. So guess what I did this morning? I got up early and prayed for my family while I took an amazing shower watching the sun rise out of our bathroom window. It was an ahh hahhh moment for me. I love talking to God, it's one of my favorite times of the day. Watching His beautiful creation while doing this and taking a hot shower just seems absolutely wonderful. And it was! I have also started reading my Bible, not every day, but following a guidline we recieved from a guy Robbie who talked to us on Sunday at Church. You read one Proverbs and a couple Psalms everyday according to a month calendar. I have a whole new attitude towards reading the Bible.

I feel like there is finally balance to my life (or getting there), and I"m really loving it. I know there is a reason why we are where we are in our walk. I am happy to take it on and happy to walk with Justin by my side.

THe Move and 2011 so far!

Welp folks.....the move was a definite success! To many people who contributed their muscles, sweat, and willingness....thank you. You have no idea how much you made my life livable that day! We got moved in so fast it was ridiculous! Thanks to those who made the day fun(I won't name names Mr. Dean who apparently likes to dress in women's(my) clothing!). Good Good times!

Besides all the madness, we LOVE LOVE LOVE our apartment and feel like it's where we were meant to be our entire married life. I think I determine what feels like home based on a place where I can picture us bringing home our baby from the hospital when that time comes. That is what home would feel like and I Definitely feel like that here in Covina.

We had alot going on in the first few weeks of this glorious new year so far. The first day after our move we celebrated my nieces 3rd Birthday on that Sunday up in the Nard. Alison Joy....I remember the day she was born and it doesn't seem like that long ago, but she is growing into a beautiful, smart, just all around amazing child. I hope and pray that our kids are just as well behaved as that little girl. Although she has hands down amazing parents, so no wonder she is totally awesome!

This past Saturday I was able to go to Justin's nephew's Jacobs, First Birthday. It was awesome to see family and friends there. He is such a little booger, and absolutely adorable. He is changing so fast and He is such a little blessing.

Between work and cars breaking down(yes my car is sick, but getting better) and trying to adjust to living in a new place, I would have to say 2011 has been quite eventful. The latest and greatest and probably the best is I think we have found a new church. We have felt that we need to be more active in the church we are attending and where we can grow and start having our kids be apart of, and I think we have found that at Faith Community Church in Covina. We attended this past Sunday, and we were floored. We felt the Holy Spirit Immediately and we just knew coming out of there that is would be our home church. We are really exited to get more involved, but really sad that we are going to have to leave Yorba Linda Friends Church and our community group. We are striving to read our Bible more and to Pray together as a couple. We have been so caught up in our crazy life, that part of our spiritual life was put on the back burner. Which is just not okay. We love the Lord and we want to show Him that we love him and show the world that we love Him.

We are hoping that you all are having a wonderful start to the New Year. Whether you have resolutions or not, let's just all try to be closer to our wonderful Lord and Maker, and just try to be more loving to those around us! We love you all!

~Peace~

The Move!

So we are officially moving this sat. to covina, ca. I've been in a little bit of shambles, dealing with two jobs, having to pack everything, and dealing with my starbucks boss trying to get off so i can pack in the midst of everything. I have never done well with moving. I think I have finally found out why. My theory.....I am a control freak! when I am not in control of things or my stuff, it makes me have a lot of anxiety and stress. It starts in my shoulders and makes its way to my heart and then i get severe acid reflux. ( and i'm only 26...what the heck!)

Let me give you some background on our previous moving experiences....lol. When we moved into our first apartment ever as a married couple( I was moving from home and Justin was moving from his brother's house in Irvine.), I had a massive melt down in the bathroom. I'm pretty sure Justin's entire family heard the curse words, and sobs coming from the tiny little bathroom my mom shoved me in. (yes she put me in and closed the door) to that i was actually very greatful! I had found out the my brand new dining room table set had gotten a huge gouge down the middle of it. ( to this day i have to have either a runner or massive amounts of decorations on my table to cover it.) that was the first run...

Moving into a room for rent down in Irvine was not as bad, luckily I had a meltdown after eeryone left. It wasn't really a meltdown, it was more justin and I getting into a fight about who knows what, and Justin went on a "drive". Needless to say I was probably not the nicest person to deal with at that moment, I applogized.

So this time around, I'm hoping that it will be smooth and everything will be fine. i'm nervous because I feel very cautious and protective of the walls and things getting damaged because we are renting from close family friends. It's a beautiful place. I will post pics up when we move in.

So This time next week our moving adventures will be over(thanks goodness) and we will hopefully be settling in. Now i have to pray every night that I will be cool calm and collected through this process and trust the people who are graceously helping us to take care of our stuff. i think it will be a good move.

Untill next time....