IUI #3

So today's appt went very well. The left ovary is the one we were having problems with. I have yet to develop any healthy eggs from it. But today, that all changed. I guess between the Menopur and increased dosage of Clomid, it worked. Well, a little opposite. My right side had one follicle that was 12 mm. No bueno. 

But the left side, holy cow! I have 4 follicles all measuring between 16-20mm. This is fantastic! Way to go left ovary! My doctor was equally shocked. She didn't think I even owned a left ovary. Yes, her words, not mine. Lol. 

So, tonight we trigger shot and then go in for insemination on Friday @ 11:30. That means two day of this week I won't be at work, which is hard because that means no income, but we will be just fine. We felt really excited and hopeful again. After the kind of month we have had, a little hope is just the thing we need to soothe our souls. 

I forgot

So I have to start taking DHEA supplement.  It is a male hormone that for some reason raises the egg and ovarian health.  I'll start taking that today.  Glad there is something that I can actually do to help this!

Why Hello Cycle #3

Last night we had our baseline Ultrasound.  It's the ultra sound to get a new cycle started, and to see if my ovaries were doing good.  You know, no cysts, good size, making sure the drugs aren't doing any destruction in there.   Our appointment was at 5 p.m.  and due to traffic here in glorious California, we needed to leave by 3:45 in order to get out to Fontana in enough time.  We were leaving right when traffic gets bad.  So we get there, and we end up waiting another hour to be seen.  We were finally seen at 6 p.m.  This time, I had written down a bunch of questions that I wanted to ask this time.  So we were ready.  My Dr. comes in and she apologizes for being late, and she acknowledged the fact that this was our 3rd round and she said she was sorry.  I really appreciated that.  So much.  I just love our Dr. It's really a team of a guy and a gal, but they are both so great and they take the time even when they are over an hour behind to talk with you and get your questions answered.  It's refreshing through this tedious process.  

So we finish up the ultra sound, and because we were discussing questions, I wasn't paying attention to the Ultrasound screen.  I finally asked, how do they look?  She said, your right one looks great, but I couldn't even find your left one.  HUH?  I've had issues with my left one, Her and I need to have a talk. Normally they have to push on my stomach area over my ovary and prod pretty hard to find it.  She knew this, but didn't want to put me through it.  She then said get dressed and I'll meet you out there.  

We get out to the nurses station and we start talking.  She's going over my past history over the last couple months and is looking over my test results.  I thought it was strange, but I liked that she was taking the time to make sure of things.  Then she drops the bomb.  She said, based on one of my tests results way back when, and based upon what shes sees being as my left ovary isn't up to par.  She basically thinks I have 35 year old ovaries, not 29 year old year old ovaries.  It's called Premature Ovarian Aging. You can read more about it here.  

I had asked her what our next step was when we were in the room, and she said she really wants to up my dose of Clomid from 100mg to 150mg.  And she wants to add a shot of Menopur on Sunday.  It's supposed to up the amount of eggs I produce.  Since I only have basically one functioning ovary, I was totally on board.  This isn't to say that I will have 5 kids.  No, it's bascially going to give me 2 to 3 eggs instead of 1 or 2.  Not a big deal.  We are basically saying God, we will take what you give us.  

To make the night more awesome, we went to the pharmacy that was down stairs, not the one we normally go to because it was closed.  Basically my Dr. forgot to put in the order for the Menopur and forgot to update my Clomid dose.  So now we wait to hear from someone today about when I can get the rest of those meds.  

Needless to say, our 3.5 hour Dr. Appt was all worth it.  I might not have had the best attitude about it, but I thank God for Justin every day.  If I didn't have him there, my world wouldn't spin right. God sure knew what He was doing when Justin's and I's world collided.  

Here's to round 3! 

BFN

If you aren't sure what that abbreviation means, it's a big fat negative. Aunt flow decided to show her mean and unwelcomed face early this morning. Here's to starting round three. Thanks for your prayers and waiting along side me. They mean the world to us! Love you! 

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul

So my mom shared with me a verse last night that really touched my heart and gave me so much more hope.  

Psalm 113  New English Translation (NET)

¹ Praise the Lord!

Praise, you servants of the Lord,

praise the name of the Lord!

² May the Lord’s name be praised

now and forevermore!

³ From east to west

the Lord’s name is deserving of praise.

⁴ The Lord is exalted over all the nations;

his splendor reaches beyond the sky.

⁵ Who can compare to the Lord our God,

who sits on a high throne?

⁶ He bends down to look

at the sky and the earth.

⁷ He raises the poor from the dirt,

and lifts up the needy from the garbage pile,

⁸ that he might seat him with princes,

with the princes of his people.

⁹ He makes the barren woman of the family

a happy mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

God is good all the time, and all the time, He is Good.  

Emotions

I've been a little MIA, or what feels like I have.  Okay, it's been 6 days since my last post, but I feel like lately, time has been going so slowly.  Sunday was a turning point in how I have been feeling.  Sunday, was a.....I don't know what happened, I just got blind sided day of emotions.  I think I've been pretty strong through this process, trying not to complain because I don't want to, and keeping it together as much as I can.  I feel I have been trying to be self aware of my emotional roller coaster, caused by the meds I'm on, under control.  But Sunday, I just lost every part of my emotional control.  It started while I was getting ready for church in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, and I had my Kari Jobe Radio on on Pandora and I was just loving the morning.  Then my brain started to work.  I started thinking some things which are pretty private but relevant and close to my heart, so I won't go into detail, but totally unrelated to anything pregnancy.  I just started crying......and not just like a tear. Like I'm turning red from lack of oxygen, my eyes are going blood shot and straight up UGLY crying.  I was inconsolable.  I finally got it together and we got to church early and I was feeling great! After Justin had a meeting with his friend for Men's Group, we went inside and sat with our good friends Tiff and Robert.  Everything was fine, the sermon was great! and then communion came...and worship started.  Then it happened.  Now Justin and I like to be as engaged in what we are listening to as possible so we try and sit as close as possible without it being awkward.  You know 3 rows back from the front is close enough NOT to be weird.  I was literally inconsolable again.  My tears just wouldn't stop! Justin was so sweet and walked the whole center isle to get me tissue.  My friend Tiffiny, switched seats with her fiance and just put her hands on me and started to pray for me.   It was the perfect thing that I needed in that moment.  

After Sunday, I feel like I've been a a very bleak, sad mood.  Something that I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to that point.  Now, don't get me wrong, I want to feel the emotions, but I don't want them to get the best of me.  I think that is when people give up in what they are trying to accomplish.  I realize I need to give myself grace, something that is always hard for me to give myself.  I feel like this infertility journey has completely taken over my life.  It's just weaseled it's way into our life and made itself comfortable.  Well, I think it's over staying it's welcome.  

Today Justin and I talked about when is enough, enough?  We haven't quite reached that place.  I know it's only been 2 months of this cycle stuff with IUI and Clomid, but it's a lot.  3 to 4 ultra sounds that are 45 minutes away plus drugs, plus Insemination a month.  It's a commitment.  One that we are determined to do.  Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  I know we have an army praying for us.  Like I always say.  I know God see's us and know's us.  But waiting sucks! lol. 

I was just thinking today, how I pray all the time for God to give me patience.  ***Palm slam to the face*** We are sure having to learn patience during this time.  I feel like I'm learning.  Waiting is hard.  Waiting in God is even harder.  The outcome can be so unpredictable, but EXACTLY what He knows You need, whether you know it or not.  God will either give us children or He won't.  Black and White.  Can we afford adoption or IVF, no.  But God has a purpose for us.   What is it? We have no idea.  But we will wait patiently, as patiently as we can for Him to show us.   

A me post.

Today I find myself feeling Joy.  I feel the weight of the world around me, but I'm not held down by it.  Ask me how I was feeling 6 months ago, and my answer would have been completely different.  I feel excited by the future for the first time in...I don't remember.   I feel like living life and finding Joy in everything I do, and it excites me.  I will say my friends, living life is not for the feint of heart.  Life is down right hard at times.  I can't imagine those who do life without Jesus.  I once did life without Jesus, and it was the biggest car wreck I've ever experienced.  Being hopeful is something that is so needed in this life as well.  My insecurities have held me back from so many events, relationships, things in life, even God.  I am finally breaking through those insecurities, and where I found my shelter and comfort zone in the old me, breaking through and finding who I am in Jesus, and who I am in life, is a scary thing as well.  Anything new has always scared me.  Call it what you will, but this tender heart just freaks out with change.  

I'm currently in my second two week waiting period.  If you aren't sure what that is, I'm waiting to see if I'm pregnant.  Last month, I was a nervous wreck.  I was hyper focused on what I could find out about how I was feeling and every little twitch or cramp, I was over analyzing.  This month, I find myself having peace.  I feel peaceful through this process.  I think I've realized, if I am pregnant, its going to go by so fast.  I want to be present, here in the moment.  I want to relish in what is going on, and take it step by step, day by day.  I feel like God has been showing Himself to me through this process.  I've also been seeking Him more through reading the bible and praying.   

One thing I'm really learning through this process, is waiting.   Waiting on God and being patient.  I'm also learning that God doesn't do mistakes.  Everything is for a reason, whether it is a yes, or a no.  I think it's hard for us to accept the no's most of the time.  Prayer is something that can change anything and move a mountain.  I saw this this morning of Facebook and I wanted to share it here:

I love the part where what I pray for doesn't change God, but it changes us! That is so profound to me.  I think I'm constantly praying throughout the day, and I don't do it because I feel like I have to, but it makes me feel close to God throughout the day.  What if you never talked to your spouse? Your children? When you don't talk to God, it is the same thing.  You have to build your relationship with Him.  

I'm excited to see where this year brings Justin and I.  Its not going to be an easy road, but with fixed eyes on Jesus, I don't think we can go wrong.  

Our 2nd IUI, WARNING! Some parts are TMI

Hey All,

So yesterday we had our 2nd IUI done.  I was feeling pretty good going into it.  We were both really tired since we had to get up at 5:45 am, but were ready for it.  So we get there about 7:20 ish, and Justin has to go do his thing.  After that is done and over with, we head out to find a place to eat breakfast.  We found this really good and cheap restaurant and it was diner style and I had biscuits and gravy and Justin had french toast.  It was delish! So we head back to the hospital for our appt that is at 9 am, and we literally are just waiting around.  They were super busy! (i've never been there on a Sunday, but I was surprised by how many people were there! I guess mother nature waits for no day of the week!)  We get seen about 20 minutes after our appt time.   This time, it was a different doctor who did the IUI, and I must say I feel differently about this one.  Mainly because he did it differently then the other doctor.  He actually waited for a minute before he pulled the catheter out after insemination.  I thought, okay.  This is good.  Without going into gross details, I just felt like it stuck better.  I don't know if that makes any sense.   So we waited for 10 minutes and then packed up and headed home.
We were both feeling really tired as the day before we had also woken up pretty early (4:30am) to get going on the Men's Breakfast Justin was having at church.  When we got home we actually fell asleep for a while and then got up and ate, and literally went back to sleep until around 4.  Then we met some of our awesome friends, Jerry and Fran, for dinner at T-Phillips and had a blast just chattin it up with them.

Overall, it was a great weekend.  I feel pretty good about the process this month, and honestly, I'm just giving it to God at this point.  He knows the desire of our hearts and where we are at.  He sees us and knows us.

That's it for now....now we are in our two week wait! Hopefully it will go by fast!

Great News!

Today is a turn around day for me.  I've been in such a despairing mood lately.  I've been down, sad, weepy, tired, and unmotivated.  NOT a great place to be.  I had been praying to God to just get me out of it.  The process of IUI was starting to take a toll and it was only round 2.  I found myself getting so overwhelmed by all the information and possible outcomes, I was loosing my focus and refocusing on the bad parts of all this.  But this morning's appointment really shed light on our situation and it just felt good! 

Here is it:  We go in for an ultra sound to see how thick my lining is and to see if I have any follicles that are ready to go.  I just had this gut feeling like I wasn't going to have anything.  Last month, I had to go in for 2 ultra sounds because my eggs weren't ready yet.  And at that point when they were ready, they weren't that big.  I believe they were 17mm and 15mm.  Still pretty small, but doable.  This month however, Dr. Wong goes in and see's that my lining is looking very good.  He then proceeds to look at my ovaries.  Left side...nothing...wait! NOTHING! my stomach kinda dropped.  (Mind you, he's not saying a word, he's just fishing around) He then proceeds to check my right ovary.  I think this ovary is my champion BTW.  All of a sudden I see on the monitor two really big blobs....I thought, is that my ovary?  But then! I saw that there were two big blobs.  That flicker of hope sparked inside me and I wanted to scream YES! He measure and confirmed that I had two very large, ready to go follies.  One at 21mm and one at 19mm.  

HOLY GUACAMOLE! 

These are excellent numbers when it comes to follicle size.  I was very pleased.  He then told me to trigger shot tonight and we would come back very early Sunday morning to Inseminate! He told me to sit up and get dressed and he would meet us by the nurses station.  I looked over at Justin with a huge grin on my face and gave him a high five.  I think Justin was in shock, because he asked me....uhhh what does that mean?  I said we could very possibly have twins! lol.  oh dear LORD! We walked out of the appointment with a very different pep to our step.  I said to Justin on the way out...I said, "Babe, my heart is so full right now. "  Thanks God, you knew exactly what I needed to get me out of this slump.  I needed positive in my life, 

and I sure received that. 

Its so easy to loose sight and loose heart when you are walking through a valley.  It's easy to look around and wander and fixing your eyes on the brush that's around you.  But, if you keep your eyes fixed where they need to be, your path will be that much easier to walk on.  There are definitely bumps and sticks along the way, don't get me wrong.  He see's you.  He know's right where you are.  He knows your heart and what makes it break and what brings out fulfilling JOY!  It's not an easy road to be on, but it is the BEST.  I wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.  

Thank you God for knowing my heart, and meeting me right where I am.  Thank you for making yourself known to me, when I desperately needed to feel you the most.  

Yesterday's work out and Heavy stuff....

So yesterdays work out was really good! Justin was with me the entire time and he did really well too! We did this new machine to both of us and it was a cross between an elliptical and a stair master.  It was really bouncy too.  Justin loved it and got such a good work out from it with his ankle.  I liked it...but I totally felt like a gazelle! lol.  We did that for 20 minutes then moved on to the stationary bike.  The gym was PACKED! and that was def not my first choice.  So we got on it and did 15 minutes on that.  Then we went to the sauna.  That felt great to stretch and just sweat it out.  Over all, I think it was a great first day to the gym! We will go back on Thursday before we go to Life Group.  I feel hopeful and positive that I can and will make this apart of my life.  

The heavy stuff for today is something that has been weighing on my heart lately.  I feel like I'm talking and talking and talking to God all the time.  But I'm not listening.  I feel so desperate right now to hear from Him. Anything.  I've learned that when God is quiet, He is doing things. Things that you have no clue about. Things that might mold you and bring you closer to Him.  I struggle daily to find my quiet time with God.  Getting up at 5 am doesn't really sound that great.  I'm a person who needs their sleep.  But that, in all honesty, is an excuse.  I am the QUEEN of excuses.  I have one for EVERYTHING.  But lately, I've been trying to focus on not having an excuse for things that I would normally come up with one.  I'm focusing on owning myself and my choices.  Just putting on the big girl pants.  There is something very freeing about doing this.   I want to have such a deep, emotional relationship with God that nothing can keep me away from Him.  I long for that relationship to be full and overwhelmed with love.  

I want to hear God speak to my heart.  I know He is always with me, but I want to feel His Spirit with me.  I know what He feels like.  I have felt the fullness of His love before.  I just need to be quiet and listen.  I struggle with my place in this world.  I struggle with what my purpose is and what my God given gift is.  I struggle with not making a difference and how to do so. I struggle with reaching out to people in fear of rejection.  I'm loud and opinionated, and I know some people can't take that.  But, it's who I am. Sometimes I look at the cup half empty, but more times I look at the glass half full hopefully.  My ugliness inside is pretty ugly.  I deal with things, no one even knows about.  I feel hopeless so often.  But then I remember that I have a God who loves me and knows me and those ugly things inside of me.  At first I feel ashamed and then I feel unconditionally loved.  It's okay to have the ugliness there, as long as you keep looking and fixing your eyes on the one who made you.  He made you perfectly, wholly, and in HIS image.  He knew me by name before I was even a thought in my mom's womb. 

I am Loved. I am embraced.  I am a daughter of the One True King.   

Rant....

Yup, that's right folks! Two posts in one day! You ask me how I do it? Well like I've stated before, writing is my outlet. I've tried really hard to keep my posts positive with as little complaining as possible. I think I've been holding my anxiety and stress about all all of this infertility stuff at bay. I've been some what calm and collected. But today has just been a rough one. I'm on estrogen now and I'm on it for 3 days longer than I was last cycle. It's hard seeing baby announcements left and right. I'm am so ecstatic for these people who are popping up pregnant left and right. But I'm going to say it, when is it my turn?

I find myself struggling as of the last couple days with why can't I get pregnant. What is wrong with me? I just don't understand! 

But God knows. He knows everything. 

There's a so give been posting on Facebook the last couple days and it's called "I need thee every hour" and it has just been ringing so true for me. My anxiety is coming In spurts and I want to keep that beast caged.  

I just feel stuck and I can't dig myself out. 

Going to the gym today felt good! It felt really good actually! 

I know our time will come. It's just hard to see through the thick fog that you are currently in. 

I finally got it!

So I'll take a break with the baby making stuff to talk about something else! lol....

Remember how my husband told me I could get a gym pass a while ago....well, he made my dreams come true! We both signed up at 24 hour fitness last night and we are bound and determined to get healthy.  Justin really needs to gain weight that he lost due to his injury and regain strength.  I need to shed some pounds and build up my core.  My back and neck are no bueno.....for those of you who know what happened to me last Friday, it is not something I want to revisit and I want to start fixing the problem.  

I'm excited, scared, and I go in and out of doubting myself that I will stick with it.  It's a lot of money to us right now.  We are in the midst of getting out of debt hardcore, but I know that if I use money as an excuse, that NOTHING will ever happen.  I know I can work out outside blah blah blah.....but I know myself, and I know how I work. When I was in my best shape of life I was doing it by being in the gym and with my best friend by my side.  I am a social worker outer...kinda. I need a partner to motivate me.  On my own, I don't do so good.  In time, I know I will be able to do it on my own.  But for now....Calling out the bestie.........it's beast-mode time! woot woot! 

Here is a picture of me back in 2006, less than 2 years before I met Justin.  

I know it's not a full body shot, but I was pretty fit here.  I don't know my exact weight, but I do know it was WAY less than I am currently.  I felt good about myself, I was confident, and I wanted to take on the world.   I'm so not the girl anymore, but I want to be.

I'm going for healthy, not skinny.  I'm going for being strong, not weak and having my neck and back out all the time.  I'm going for being proud of myself.

Through the infertility process, I was told by multiple people that Clomid made them gain weight.  Yes, it has made me eat and crave bad food, but i'm actually(very slowly) loosing weight.  I've lose about 6 pounds since I started this process. Imagine what I can do when I'm actually working out and eating good, clean food! I'm excited.  I know it's going to be hard, I think I've been mentally preparing myself for that.  

If any of you have a gym membership to 24 hour fitness, hit me up! Let's go!