Our Baby Shrimp!

Last Friday we had our very first ultra sound of our baby! We went in on Friday at 8:30am and she took a bunch of measurements.  Everything looked great and baby Gerhart was measuring exactly at 7 weeks.  We officially "graduated"  from Infertility and we can now be seen by an OB.  So we have our first OB appt appointment this Thursday at 10am.  Prayers would be greatly appreciated! It is a 3 hour intake appointment and Justin is so graciously going to come with me.  He is just incredible.  He wants to be there for everything, and I feel blessed by this man every single day.  While we were having our first ultra sound, Justin immediately whipped out his cell phone when we knew that we were going to hear the heart beat.  Here is what he caught!

My immediate reaction was, "Baby! It's a little shrimp!"  and it is! It is our little shrimp, and we couldn't be happier! 

It's been to long.

I realized I haven't been blogging as of late.  I love to write and I have been feeling like I have been missing something.  WRITING!

I just wanted to give a big disclaimer since I'm at the beginning of this pregnancy.  If I talk about how I'm feeling or things that are happening to me, it's not because I want to complain or that I am complaining.  I just want to document everything that is happening.  This is something that is beautiful and I can't believe it's happening to me! I was chosen to take care of one of God's children.  I"m excited to see where it leads and who I come across on this journey of motherhood.

The last two weeks, since I found out I was pregnant, I have been SO crampy.   They come and go, and the intensity comes and goes.  My Dr. said that it is fine, and to use a heating pad.  Well, I'm not comfortable using a heating pad, so a friend of mine who experienced the same thing, said to take a warm bath.  I'm good with that! I have also been experiencing headaches.  I had one right before we found out and I had to go home from work because of it, and then I had one yesterday that sent me home.  Since I can't take anything and I'm prone to migraines,  sleep in a dark room is the only thing that will kick it out.  I'm fortunate to have a very understanding boss, who is very family oriented and has already given me a lecture about taking it easy and resting and not lifting and take my vitamins.....He's great! I know he's on board 100% with this pregnancy.  Makes my life so much easier! I'm also STARVING! Like FEED ME NOW! lol.

I really can't complain at all.  I have it pretty easy.  No nausea, (knock on wood!)  I am really tired, but that is perfectly normal.

We feel extremely blessed by this whole process, but are nervous.  I think every new parent feels that way.  We are continuing to pray for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy delivery and most important a healthy baby.  Thank you for your prayers and being apart of such a bigger picture with us!

SOOoooooooo.....

If you don't already know, we shared some much long awaited news with the world this weekend! We are pleased to announce that baby Gerhart will arrive in late July 2014!  We are thrilled and couldn't be happier! 

We have prayed so hard for this and have had so many people, people we don't even know even, pray for us.  We are SO thankful and grateful.  We couldn't have gone through this process without all of you and your support and prayers! We are so blessed beyond anything we could ever deserve.  

Praying for a healthy, happy pregnancy!

One year later

I was sitting at my desk this morning at work, and I started to think how fast this year has gone by, especially the last 5 months.  As we finished up October and head into November, I'm reminded that one year ago, we started our TTC journey.  Well actually we started at the beginning of October.  After going through 3 months of Fertility meds, pokes and stabs, emotions and tears, I'm not really sure how I feel.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the process.  Like I've stated in previous posts, I'm so thankful for the process.  I've learned that I'm a pessimistic person.  Someone I never wanted to be.  It could be that we've been through 2 months and no results and currently waiting for our 3rd.  I want to stay hopeful and I want to be peppy about it, and so far, I think I have been.  It has taken every fiber in my being to do so, but I did it.  As of today, I'm feeling pretty negative about it all.  It's never going to work, I feel like I'm not pregnant this month(mind you, it's only been 3 days since our IUI).  I want to be joyful and happy and optimistic because that is the person I want to be.  Then, my feelings and emotions start to take over, and I sink.  It's not causing me to tidal wave into depression again, but I just feel defeated.  I know the enemy wants that from me.  I know he wants me to feel sad, and depressed, and defeated.  This week I will find Joy.  Going through ups and down's is not fun.  Being consistent is great and needed.  It's kinda been my life being an adult those up's and down's emotionally.  Sometimes it's easier to just ignore it, so I do.  Despite all my up's and down's one thing I know for sure, God loves me, He hears me, He knows my heart, and even though I might not always cry out to Him, He's always there holding me in his hands.

IUI #3

So today's appt went very well. The left ovary is the one we were having problems with. I have yet to develop any healthy eggs from it. But today, that all changed. I guess between the Menopur and increased dosage of Clomid, it worked. Well, a little opposite. My right side had one follicle that was 12 mm. No bueno. 

But the left side, holy cow! I have 4 follicles all measuring between 16-20mm. This is fantastic! Way to go left ovary! My doctor was equally shocked. She didn't think I even owned a left ovary. Yes, her words, not mine. Lol. 

So, tonight we trigger shot and then go in for insemination on Friday @ 11:30. That means two day of this week I won't be at work, which is hard because that means no income, but we will be just fine. We felt really excited and hopeful again. After the kind of month we have had, a little hope is just the thing we need to soothe our souls. 

I forgot

So I have to start taking DHEA supplement.  It is a male hormone that for some reason raises the egg and ovarian health.  I'll start taking that today.  Glad there is something that I can actually do to help this!

Why Hello Cycle #3

Last night we had our baseline Ultrasound.  It's the ultra sound to get a new cycle started, and to see if my ovaries were doing good.  You know, no cysts, good size, making sure the drugs aren't doing any destruction in there.   Our appointment was at 5 p.m.  and due to traffic here in glorious California, we needed to leave by 3:45 in order to get out to Fontana in enough time.  We were leaving right when traffic gets bad.  So we get there, and we end up waiting another hour to be seen.  We were finally seen at 6 p.m.  This time, I had written down a bunch of questions that I wanted to ask this time.  So we were ready.  My Dr. comes in and she apologizes for being late, and she acknowledged the fact that this was our 3rd round and she said she was sorry.  I really appreciated that.  So much.  I just love our Dr. It's really a team of a guy and a gal, but they are both so great and they take the time even when they are over an hour behind to talk with you and get your questions answered.  It's refreshing through this tedious process.  

So we finish up the ultra sound, and because we were discussing questions, I wasn't paying attention to the Ultrasound screen.  I finally asked, how do they look?  She said, your right one looks great, but I couldn't even find your left one.  HUH?  I've had issues with my left one, Her and I need to have a talk. Normally they have to push on my stomach area over my ovary and prod pretty hard to find it.  She knew this, but didn't want to put me through it.  She then said get dressed and I'll meet you out there.  

We get out to the nurses station and we start talking.  She's going over my past history over the last couple months and is looking over my test results.  I thought it was strange, but I liked that she was taking the time to make sure of things.  Then she drops the bomb.  She said, based on one of my tests results way back when, and based upon what shes sees being as my left ovary isn't up to par.  She basically thinks I have 35 year old ovaries, not 29 year old year old ovaries.  It's called Premature Ovarian Aging. You can read more about it here.  

I had asked her what our next step was when we were in the room, and she said she really wants to up my dose of Clomid from 100mg to 150mg.  And she wants to add a shot of Menopur on Sunday.  It's supposed to up the amount of eggs I produce.  Since I only have basically one functioning ovary, I was totally on board.  This isn't to say that I will have 5 kids.  No, it's bascially going to give me 2 to 3 eggs instead of 1 or 2.  Not a big deal.  We are basically saying God, we will take what you give us.  

To make the night more awesome, we went to the pharmacy that was down stairs, not the one we normally go to because it was closed.  Basically my Dr. forgot to put in the order for the Menopur and forgot to update my Clomid dose.  So now we wait to hear from someone today about when I can get the rest of those meds.  

Needless to say, our 3.5 hour Dr. Appt was all worth it.  I might not have had the best attitude about it, but I thank God for Justin every day.  If I didn't have him there, my world wouldn't spin right. God sure knew what He was doing when Justin's and I's world collided.  

Here's to round 3! 

BFN

If you aren't sure what that abbreviation means, it's a big fat negative. Aunt flow decided to show her mean and unwelcomed face early this morning. Here's to starting round three. Thanks for your prayers and waiting along side me. They mean the world to us! Love you! 

Praise the Lord, Oh my soul

So my mom shared with me a verse last night that really touched my heart and gave me so much more hope.  

Psalm 113  New English Translation (NET)

¹ Praise the Lord!

Praise, you servants of the Lord,

praise the name of the Lord!

² May the Lord’s name be praised

now and forevermore!

³ From east to west

the Lord’s name is deserving of praise.

⁴ The Lord is exalted over all the nations;

his splendor reaches beyond the sky.

⁵ Who can compare to the Lord our God,

who sits on a high throne?

⁶ He bends down to look

at the sky and the earth.

⁷ He raises the poor from the dirt,

and lifts up the needy from the garbage pile,

⁸ that he might seat him with princes,

with the princes of his people.

⁹ He makes the barren woman of the family

a happy mother of children.

Praise the Lord!

God is good all the time, and all the time, He is Good.  

Emotions

I've been a little MIA, or what feels like I have.  Okay, it's been 6 days since my last post, but I feel like lately, time has been going so slowly.  Sunday was a turning point in how I have been feeling.  Sunday, was a.....I don't know what happened, I just got blind sided day of emotions.  I think I've been pretty strong through this process, trying not to complain because I don't want to, and keeping it together as much as I can.  I feel I have been trying to be self aware of my emotional roller coaster, caused by the meds I'm on, under control.  But Sunday, I just lost every part of my emotional control.  It started while I was getting ready for church in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, and I had my Kari Jobe Radio on on Pandora and I was just loving the morning.  Then my brain started to work.  I started thinking some things which are pretty private but relevant and close to my heart, so I won't go into detail, but totally unrelated to anything pregnancy.  I just started crying......and not just like a tear. Like I'm turning red from lack of oxygen, my eyes are going blood shot and straight up UGLY crying.  I was inconsolable.  I finally got it together and we got to church early and I was feeling great! After Justin had a meeting with his friend for Men's Group, we went inside and sat with our good friends Tiff and Robert.  Everything was fine, the sermon was great! and then communion came...and worship started.  Then it happened.  Now Justin and I like to be as engaged in what we are listening to as possible so we try and sit as close as possible without it being awkward.  You know 3 rows back from the front is close enough NOT to be weird.  I was literally inconsolable again.  My tears just wouldn't stop! Justin was so sweet and walked the whole center isle to get me tissue.  My friend Tiffiny, switched seats with her fiance and just put her hands on me and started to pray for me.   It was the perfect thing that I needed in that moment.  

After Sunday, I feel like I've been a a very bleak, sad mood.  Something that I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to that point.  Now, don't get me wrong, I want to feel the emotions, but I don't want them to get the best of me.  I think that is when people give up in what they are trying to accomplish.  I realize I need to give myself grace, something that is always hard for me to give myself.  I feel like this infertility journey has completely taken over my life.  It's just weaseled it's way into our life and made itself comfortable.  Well, I think it's over staying it's welcome.  

Today Justin and I talked about when is enough, enough?  We haven't quite reached that place.  I know it's only been 2 months of this cycle stuff with IUI and Clomid, but it's a lot.  3 to 4 ultra sounds that are 45 minutes away plus drugs, plus Insemination a month.  It's a commitment.  One that we are determined to do.  Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  I know we have an army praying for us.  Like I always say.  I know God see's us and know's us.  But waiting sucks! lol. 

I was just thinking today, how I pray all the time for God to give me patience.  ***Palm slam to the face*** We are sure having to learn patience during this time.  I feel like I'm learning.  Waiting is hard.  Waiting in God is even harder.  The outcome can be so unpredictable, but EXACTLY what He knows You need, whether you know it or not.  God will either give us children or He won't.  Black and White.  Can we afford adoption or IVF, no.  But God has a purpose for us.   What is it? We have no idea.  But we will wait patiently, as patiently as we can for Him to show us.   

A me post.

Today I find myself feeling Joy.  I feel the weight of the world around me, but I'm not held down by it.  Ask me how I was feeling 6 months ago, and my answer would have been completely different.  I feel excited by the future for the first time in...I don't remember.   I feel like living life and finding Joy in everything I do, and it excites me.  I will say my friends, living life is not for the feint of heart.  Life is down right hard at times.  I can't imagine those who do life without Jesus.  I once did life without Jesus, and it was the biggest car wreck I've ever experienced.  Being hopeful is something that is so needed in this life as well.  My insecurities have held me back from so many events, relationships, things in life, even God.  I am finally breaking through those insecurities, and where I found my shelter and comfort zone in the old me, breaking through and finding who I am in Jesus, and who I am in life, is a scary thing as well.  Anything new has always scared me.  Call it what you will, but this tender heart just freaks out with change.  

I'm currently in my second two week waiting period.  If you aren't sure what that is, I'm waiting to see if I'm pregnant.  Last month, I was a nervous wreck.  I was hyper focused on what I could find out about how I was feeling and every little twitch or cramp, I was over analyzing.  This month, I find myself having peace.  I feel peaceful through this process.  I think I've realized, if I am pregnant, its going to go by so fast.  I want to be present, here in the moment.  I want to relish in what is going on, and take it step by step, day by day.  I feel like God has been showing Himself to me through this process.  I've also been seeking Him more through reading the bible and praying.   

One thing I'm really learning through this process, is waiting.   Waiting on God and being patient.  I'm also learning that God doesn't do mistakes.  Everything is for a reason, whether it is a yes, or a no.  I think it's hard for us to accept the no's most of the time.  Prayer is something that can change anything and move a mountain.  I saw this this morning of Facebook and I wanted to share it here:

I love the part where what I pray for doesn't change God, but it changes us! That is so profound to me.  I think I'm constantly praying throughout the day, and I don't do it because I feel like I have to, but it makes me feel close to God throughout the day.  What if you never talked to your spouse? Your children? When you don't talk to God, it is the same thing.  You have to build your relationship with Him.  

I'm excited to see where this year brings Justin and I.  Its not going to be an easy road, but with fixed eyes on Jesus, I don't think we can go wrong.  

Our 2nd IUI, WARNING! Some parts are TMI

Hey All,

So yesterday we had our 2nd IUI done.  I was feeling pretty good going into it.  We were both really tired since we had to get up at 5:45 am, but were ready for it.  So we get there about 7:20 ish, and Justin has to go do his thing.  After that is done and over with, we head out to find a place to eat breakfast.  We found this really good and cheap restaurant and it was diner style and I had biscuits and gravy and Justin had french toast.  It was delish! So we head back to the hospital for our appt that is at 9 am, and we literally are just waiting around.  They were super busy! (i've never been there on a Sunday, but I was surprised by how many people were there! I guess mother nature waits for no day of the week!)  We get seen about 20 minutes after our appt time.   This time, it was a different doctor who did the IUI, and I must say I feel differently about this one.  Mainly because he did it differently then the other doctor.  He actually waited for a minute before he pulled the catheter out after insemination.  I thought, okay.  This is good.  Without going into gross details, I just felt like it stuck better.  I don't know if that makes any sense.   So we waited for 10 minutes and then packed up and headed home.
We were both feeling really tired as the day before we had also woken up pretty early (4:30am) to get going on the Men's Breakfast Justin was having at church.  When we got home we actually fell asleep for a while and then got up and ate, and literally went back to sleep until around 4.  Then we met some of our awesome friends, Jerry and Fran, for dinner at T-Phillips and had a blast just chattin it up with them.

Overall, it was a great weekend.  I feel pretty good about the process this month, and honestly, I'm just giving it to God at this point.  He knows the desire of our hearts and where we are at.  He sees us and knows us.

That's it for now....now we are in our two week wait! Hopefully it will go by fast!

Great News!

Today is a turn around day for me.  I've been in such a despairing mood lately.  I've been down, sad, weepy, tired, and unmotivated.  NOT a great place to be.  I had been praying to God to just get me out of it.  The process of IUI was starting to take a toll and it was only round 2.  I found myself getting so overwhelmed by all the information and possible outcomes, I was loosing my focus and refocusing on the bad parts of all this.  But this morning's appointment really shed light on our situation and it just felt good! 

Here is it:  We go in for an ultra sound to see how thick my lining is and to see if I have any follicles that are ready to go.  I just had this gut feeling like I wasn't going to have anything.  Last month, I had to go in for 2 ultra sounds because my eggs weren't ready yet.  And at that point when they were ready, they weren't that big.  I believe they were 17mm and 15mm.  Still pretty small, but doable.  This month however, Dr. Wong goes in and see's that my lining is looking very good.  He then proceeds to look at my ovaries.  Left side...nothing...wait! NOTHING! my stomach kinda dropped.  (Mind you, he's not saying a word, he's just fishing around) He then proceeds to check my right ovary.  I think this ovary is my champion BTW.  All of a sudden I see on the monitor two really big blobs....I thought, is that my ovary?  But then! I saw that there were two big blobs.  That flicker of hope sparked inside me and I wanted to scream YES! He measure and confirmed that I had two very large, ready to go follies.  One at 21mm and one at 19mm.  

HOLY GUACAMOLE! 

These are excellent numbers when it comes to follicle size.  I was very pleased.  He then told me to trigger shot tonight and we would come back very early Sunday morning to Inseminate! He told me to sit up and get dressed and he would meet us by the nurses station.  I looked over at Justin with a huge grin on my face and gave him a high five.  I think Justin was in shock, because he asked me....uhhh what does that mean?  I said we could very possibly have twins! lol.  oh dear LORD! We walked out of the appointment with a very different pep to our step.  I said to Justin on the way out...I said, "Babe, my heart is so full right now. "  Thanks God, you knew exactly what I needed to get me out of this slump.  I needed positive in my life, 

and I sure received that. 

Its so easy to loose sight and loose heart when you are walking through a valley.  It's easy to look around and wander and fixing your eyes on the brush that's around you.  But, if you keep your eyes fixed where they need to be, your path will be that much easier to walk on.  There are definitely bumps and sticks along the way, don't get me wrong.  He see's you.  He know's right where you are.  He knows your heart and what makes it break and what brings out fulfilling JOY!  It's not an easy road to be on, but it is the BEST.  I wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.  

Thank you God for knowing my heart, and meeting me right where I am.  Thank you for making yourself known to me, when I desperately needed to feel you the most.  

Yesterday's work out and Heavy stuff....

So yesterdays work out was really good! Justin was with me the entire time and he did really well too! We did this new machine to both of us and it was a cross between an elliptical and a stair master.  It was really bouncy too.  Justin loved it and got such a good work out from it with his ankle.  I liked it...but I totally felt like a gazelle! lol.  We did that for 20 minutes then moved on to the stationary bike.  The gym was PACKED! and that was def not my first choice.  So we got on it and did 15 minutes on that.  Then we went to the sauna.  That felt great to stretch and just sweat it out.  Over all, I think it was a great first day to the gym! We will go back on Thursday before we go to Life Group.  I feel hopeful and positive that I can and will make this apart of my life.  

The heavy stuff for today is something that has been weighing on my heart lately.  I feel like I'm talking and talking and talking to God all the time.  But I'm not listening.  I feel so desperate right now to hear from Him. Anything.  I've learned that when God is quiet, He is doing things. Things that you have no clue about. Things that might mold you and bring you closer to Him.  I struggle daily to find my quiet time with God.  Getting up at 5 am doesn't really sound that great.  I'm a person who needs their sleep.  But that, in all honesty, is an excuse.  I am the QUEEN of excuses.  I have one for EVERYTHING.  But lately, I've been trying to focus on not having an excuse for things that I would normally come up with one.  I'm focusing on owning myself and my choices.  Just putting on the big girl pants.  There is something very freeing about doing this.   I want to have such a deep, emotional relationship with God that nothing can keep me away from Him.  I long for that relationship to be full and overwhelmed with love.  

I want to hear God speak to my heart.  I know He is always with me, but I want to feel His Spirit with me.  I know what He feels like.  I have felt the fullness of His love before.  I just need to be quiet and listen.  I struggle with my place in this world.  I struggle with what my purpose is and what my God given gift is.  I struggle with not making a difference and how to do so. I struggle with reaching out to people in fear of rejection.  I'm loud and opinionated, and I know some people can't take that.  But, it's who I am. Sometimes I look at the cup half empty, but more times I look at the glass half full hopefully.  My ugliness inside is pretty ugly.  I deal with things, no one even knows about.  I feel hopeless so often.  But then I remember that I have a God who loves me and knows me and those ugly things inside of me.  At first I feel ashamed and then I feel unconditionally loved.  It's okay to have the ugliness there, as long as you keep looking and fixing your eyes on the one who made you.  He made you perfectly, wholly, and in HIS image.  He knew me by name before I was even a thought in my mom's womb. 

I am Loved. I am embraced.  I am a daughter of the One True King.   

Rant....

Yup, that's right folks! Two posts in one day! You ask me how I do it? Well like I've stated before, writing is my outlet. I've tried really hard to keep my posts positive with as little complaining as possible. I think I've been holding my anxiety and stress about all all of this infertility stuff at bay. I've been some what calm and collected. But today has just been a rough one. I'm on estrogen now and I'm on it for 3 days longer than I was last cycle. It's hard seeing baby announcements left and right. I'm am so ecstatic for these people who are popping up pregnant left and right. But I'm going to say it, when is it my turn?

I find myself struggling as of the last couple days with why can't I get pregnant. What is wrong with me? I just don't understand! 

But God knows. He knows everything. 

There's a so give been posting on Facebook the last couple days and it's called "I need thee every hour" and it has just been ringing so true for me. My anxiety is coming In spurts and I want to keep that beast caged.  

I just feel stuck and I can't dig myself out. 

Going to the gym today felt good! It felt really good actually! 

I know our time will come. It's just hard to see through the thick fog that you are currently in. 

I finally got it!

So I'll take a break with the baby making stuff to talk about something else! lol....

Remember how my husband told me I could get a gym pass a while ago....well, he made my dreams come true! We both signed up at 24 hour fitness last night and we are bound and determined to get healthy.  Justin really needs to gain weight that he lost due to his injury and regain strength.  I need to shed some pounds and build up my core.  My back and neck are no bueno.....for those of you who know what happened to me last Friday, it is not something I want to revisit and I want to start fixing the problem.  

I'm excited, scared, and I go in and out of doubting myself that I will stick with it.  It's a lot of money to us right now.  We are in the midst of getting out of debt hardcore, but I know that if I use money as an excuse, that NOTHING will ever happen.  I know I can work out outside blah blah blah.....but I know myself, and I know how I work. When I was in my best shape of life I was doing it by being in the gym and with my best friend by my side.  I am a social worker outer...kinda. I need a partner to motivate me.  On my own, I don't do so good.  In time, I know I will be able to do it on my own.  But for now....Calling out the bestie.........it's beast-mode time! woot woot! 

Here is a picture of me back in 2006, less than 2 years before I met Justin.  

I know it's not a full body shot, but I was pretty fit here.  I don't know my exact weight, but I do know it was WAY less than I am currently.  I felt good about myself, I was confident, and I wanted to take on the world.   I'm so not the girl anymore, but I want to be.

I'm going for healthy, not skinny.  I'm going for being strong, not weak and having my neck and back out all the time.  I'm going for being proud of myself.

Through the infertility process, I was told by multiple people that Clomid made them gain weight.  Yes, it has made me eat and crave bad food, but i'm actually(very slowly) loosing weight.  I've lose about 6 pounds since I started this process. Imagine what I can do when I'm actually working out and eating good, clean food! I'm excited.  I know it's going to be hard, I think I've been mentally preparing myself for that.  

If any of you have a gym membership to 24 hour fitness, hit me up! Let's go! 

Round 2

So round 2 has officially started. As of last night I started my clomid 100 mg a day. This cycle will be exactly like last cycle, so let's just hope my body responds even better! 

I struggle with chronic sinusitis and a side effect from that can be vertigo like symptoms. Well around 2 p.m. Yesterday, I started feeling dizzy and it kept progressing through my dr appt ( whom I told I was feelin dizzy and she didn't eqaute my dizziness to the meds I'm on since I hadn't even started them) and through the angels game we went to with our good friends Tiffany and Robert. I thought going home and going to bed would help and I would wake up refreshed and feeling good! Wrong! I woke up and took a shower and literally fell over in the shower. I caught myself on Justin's shower chair, but I knew it wasn't good and I was still dealing with this. So, I called my primary care doc toget an appointment. It def has to do with my sinuses and allergies. I'm super plugged up but they aren't infected which is good! So I'm on Flonase and decongestant and hopefully t will kick it out of me. I also went to the chiropractor to get some relief, so we will see.  I stayed home from work today because I couldn't drive with how dizzy I was and I just wanted to be flat. 

So now I'm on clomid for 5 days until sat and then on Sunday I start estrogen to build my lining. Apparently clomid keeps your uterine lining from growing and thickening. So I'll be on that for 4 days. Then it just keeps rolling on. I'm thankful tht there isn't a whole lot I waiting between cycles because I think I would go crazy! We literally jump into the next cycle to keep track of thigs. 

That's it for now! Have a good rest of he week everyone! Hopefully my week will start to look up!

Drum roll please.......

So, No Dice.

Aunt Flo came to town with a very unwelcome visit yesterday.

I've been doing a lot of praying since yesterday.  Asking for comfort and peace and strength.

I had to call my Dr. as soon as I started my new cycle, and here we go.  I have an appt tomorrow at 4:30p.m. to start all over.

Here we go again!  As much as I hate the process and feel drained and exhausted after 1 month, I feel so thankful for the process.  I am thankful that we have an option besides hearing No.  I'm thankful that we are in the age of knowledge we are in, because 50 years ago, this process would not have happened.  We would just be told, I'm sorry, you are infertile.

While I still believe a miracle can happen without the drugs, ultrasounds, and shots, why not use what we can while we have it.  IVF is not an option for us.  We simply can't afford it.   We cannot take on IVF as well as Justin's schooling.  We just don't have that kind of money.  Right now, Justin's schooling is outweighing anything, because if we don't have that, then we don't have progression in our life.

Who knew being an adult would be so heart wrenching and stressful.  They definitely don't teach you that in school among the math and history and writing classes.

I'm thankful for where we are.  It may not be ideal and I get weighed down by it most often times, but I'm thankful for where we are.  It won't always be like this.  I remember I have asked God to give me patience.  Well, here is my lesson in just that.  Patience in waiting on God, patience in waiting for our lives to start with a little one.  It is a hard lesson, probably the hardest I've had to learn yet in my 29 years on this earth.  But I'm learning them with the best person I know by my side.  I'm so thankful for that man, God gifted me with doing life with.  He's my heart and my soul.  He's my anchor.

How I'm feeling.....

So we are still in our two week wait period.  I'm technically on day 9 post IUI.  I'm "supposed" to get my period today, but even if I don't, it doesn't mean we are pregnant.  I have to wait until the 26th to take a pregnancy test to see if I'm pregnant or not.  

Let me just say one thing....If  I allow myself to be consumed with all of this, I might have to say this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I'm not letting myself go there.  I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping my emotions even keel. (Ask Justin, he will give you a straight answer)  I don't know how or what my emotions will be if we find out either way.  I feel calm, but I also feel numb.  I feel like I'm making myself numb out so I don't spaz out during this time.   

I have been EXTREMELY tired.  I'm talking falling asleep before 9 p.m. more than one night a week.  I'm so exhausted every day, after everything that I have to do, I just can't get into my bed fast enough.  I can't even think straight, I'm so tired.  Call it what you will, I think it is the effects of the meds on my body.  Yes, I am this tired.

I just want to take a minute to really thank all of you who have been non stop praying for Justin and myself.  We are deeply humbled by your thoughts and prayers for us.  We have been feeling your prayers and we know we are loved and held so tightly by such a loving God who wants the best for us.  Please pray for continued rest, as well as strength for when we find out either way if we are or aren't pregnant.  Looking back on the past month, it has been exhausting going through the Dr. appts, the meds, the horrid trigger shot, and so much more.  The emotions that we have been going through are just a roller coaster.  I know that we are right where we are supposed to be, and that is a great comfort.  

I know some people would question with all that we have to go through, why would we do it?  Well God can and does work miracles, every single day.   But God has also shown people in this world the wonders of modern medicine.  Since I know that I have always been wonky in the girl part area, I think deep down I knew I would have problems conceiving. We want to give our family the best chance to be a family, safely and healthy.  We feel that this is the best answer to what we have been given.  God gives you things in life that aren't always fair, but he wants you to respond by going to Him for guidance and love and support.  He's got us.  As long as wee keep looking to Him, He's got us.  And coming from someone who fell away from God for a time in her life, He's even got you when you aren't seeking Him in all things.   He loves us so unconditionally.   He allows things to happen to us for a reason or two.   When we cry out, Father! He hears us.  He ALWAYS hears our cries.  And that my friends, is a miracle in itself.  It's simply beautiful.  

Thank you for being faithful.  Thank you for being our friends.  And thank you for loving a merciful Father with us.  

Today I'm feeling really calm.  Feeling anxious, but I feel pretty good.  I'm having some concerns that I didn't ovulate.  My concern comes from the fact that I guess I've never really ovulated, or haven't in a very long time.  I asked my Dr. yesterday what it would feel like, and she said cramping and/or sharp pains where my ovaries are.  I haven't felt any of that.  I have had slight "twinges" of pain here and there off and on, but nothing like cramping.  A really good thing that happened yesterday was Justin's counts were really LOW, and yesterday they tested his sample and before they washed and separated, his over all good count was at 80%! WHAT! seriously! Then she said after she washed it, it was at 90% HOLY COW! Thank you Jesus!

Now we just wait.  I'm due for my period in 8 days, and i can't test until the 26th.  I'm slightly confused.   I'm just going to wait it out.  I feel like if i start my period wouldn't that be an indicator that it didn't take?  Obviously!  So maybe the clomid  will make my cycle longer...HOLY COW i'm glad I'm not a Dr.  I just don't understand.  It's all so wonky!

From here on out, If it's positive...GREAT! If it's negative, OKAY we start this process all over again. And I will be talking to them about the fact that I didn't think that I ovulated.  At least not yet.


We are putting our trust in Him, and even though it's not easy to do, I find that it's a much safer place to be than to put my trust in myself or my body.  Not until recently have I found that peaceful place where God really does have this.  It is HIS perfect plan what happens in our lives.  Having faith like a child is so hard when the world around us is so ugly.  The enemy is around every corner just waiting for us to fall flat on our face and take advantage.  We are putting our TRUST in Him and I feel such comfort in that.  I feel safe, knowing that our lives are in the hands of the one who created us.


Thank you for you ongoing prayers and support, we love you all.  We appreciate you coming along side of us and being our support.  Things like this are never easy, but when you have so many amazing people loving you and praying to an Almighty God who can move a mountain and make a blind person see, we feel like anything is possible.  God is good and I know we are resting in his palms.  

Trigger Shot...AKA bane of my existence....I mean HCG.

I totally chickened out and had to have my mom give it to me!

The funny thing is...it tickled instead of hurting.  yup tickled.

It started to hurt after and then this morning I woke up to a round reddish spot with it hurting and warm and kind-of a knot.  I'm thankful for a mom who is a nurse, and she said not to worry.  It can happen.

Tomorrow's the day! Feeling like I have a leg on both sides of the fence.  That fence being excited and disappointed.  Trying to stay more on the excited side.

I've been praying the prayer of: God, whatever the outcome, please let me rest in that and know that you are God and you have this.  Amen....I'm totally trusting God here.  I'm trying to.  I want to.  I know that giving up the power to Him, that I can rest assured that it is supposed to happen.  I've always hated surprises because I can't handle the waiting and not knowing.  Well, it's time I get to liking them.  

That's all for now.

Thanks for the prayers!

Good news!

This morning at 0 dark thirty, we got out of bed and ventured out into the land of Fontucky! We had a second ultra sound to see where our eggs were at. Last Wednesday we had one done and the results were very different. Last week I had none on my left side and two on my right. Today, I had one on each side that were progressing nicely. I had been taking estrogen for the last couple of days and it worked! My lining thickened up nicely, and over all he said things looked good. I still have a low amount of follicles for where I should be at, but I will  take two over nothing! I'm supposed to take my trigger shot tomorrow night at 10 p.m. And then go back in on Tuesday for insemination. That's all we know! Thanks for the prayers. It was good to hear some good news!

Waiting Game...:::::::Warning Graphic Detail:::::

::::WARNING::::

{Very graphic detail of woman things.  Please leave page now if you are sqeemish!}

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So we are in a waiting game now.  I went to get my ultrasound this morning and things aren't looking quite there.  My body is being very resistant to ovulation as I haven't been ovulating at all apparently. I have two follicles(which encase the egg) on my right ovary.  They are measuring small at 11mm and 13mm.  Normal for ovulation is in between 18-22mm.  She also said my lining is very thin.  She wants to see me back on Saturday morning at 7am to do another ultra sound to see where we are at.  

I'm being put on estrogen for the next couple days to hopefully increase the thickness of my lining.  I'm putting my trust into the doctors and God that they know what they are doing with my body.  I told her that I was on BC since I was 16 due to really bad periods.  She said that my parents did the best thing for me because it probably saved my ovaries.  Come to find out, I probably haven't been ovulating at all and never did.  Yes, you can have a period every month and not ovulate.  My body was basically confused and it knew it needed to get rid of the lining, but my period wasn't being triggered by ovulation.  

(It's all VERY confusing....now you know why women are confusing!...jk! not really.) 

I'm trying to trust in God. I know HE has this. I know it is in HIS timing.  I just need to be okay with that.  I don't know if I am there yet.  I want to be that is for sure.

She also taught me how to do the shot that i have to do.  People, I feel like I'm doing drugs...It's mixing this into that powdery stuff... It's all weird.  But! It will make me ovulate, so I'm game. 

I think I was in shock today when I realized that my body really isn't doing anything on it's own. Here I was all these years thinking I would be fine and it would be great!....WRONG.  Nothing is EVER guaranteed. 

Nothing.

Call me dramatic, or what you will.

I am currently having a hormone headache....

just thought you would want to know;-)

Thanks for the prayers and support.  We appreciate them all.  

2 Part Post

This post will be 2 parts about working out and jogging, and baby stuff.  

A few weeks ago, Justin had made me a promise to buy me a gym membership of my choice if I committed to 3 days a week for 4 weeks of walking/joggin.  I'm starting my 4th week and so far so good.  My second week in I was only able to do 2 days so I have to add it in somewhere this week.  I'm really enjoying the time to myself and I'm learning a lot of who I am, how I am, how I process things.  I haven't looked at myself like this in a while.
I had my first ah ha moment a week ago, Sat.  It was a moment indeed.  You know, the one where you are jogging and a really awesome song comes on that empowers  you like nothing else.  I started to sprint towards the end of my jog and I was listening to Katy Perry's "Roar" and I just had tears coming down my face.  I felt proud, I felt empowered, I knew I could do this.  It felt amazing.  There was a time when I thought I couldn't and I told myself that.  I know it's hard, don't get me wrong, but my body is loving me for it and I know I will be a healthier me in the long run.  Starting the C25K was a great choice and it is so much easier to job for a minute than just going at it wondering how long you've been jogging.  I'm so lagging this week, mostly because my week got rearranged last minute.  It will be good and I'm going to stay positive if my body can hold up.  I'm going through some pretty physical stuff this week.  

Baby Stuff::::

I have my first appointment tomorrow for an internal ultra sound to check how my eggs are doing.  That ultra sound will be the determining factor for Clomid, as it's my understanding of how it all works.  I'm feeling nervous and anxious and just all around unsure of the whole process as I have never been through this.  

I find myself praying randomly throughout the day for peace and comfort.  I pray for the child that will result of all this long processing and that he/she will be perfect in every way God has intended them to be.  I pray for guidance, that we will be able to do our best at showing who God is and the abounding love that only He can bring.  I keep praying for patience through this process and I keep asking to feel God around me.  I keep thanking Him everyday for strength and His love and His promises to us.  

The next couple of weeks are going to be rough....there will be a lot of anxiousness and praying and seeking.  I love that despite all of this going on, I get to walk this journey with Justin.  I wouldn't ask for it any other way.    

What are you grateful for?

As most of you know, I have been in therapy for the last 4 months or so.  This week, it will be the first time in those 4 months where I won't be going, due to so much going on and planned for the week.  A few weeks ago, my therapist (whom I love so much, and she totally gets me!) gave me my "homework" and she wanted  me to say 3 things that I was grateful for every day. I thought....I can do this.  I think it will make me a more positive person.

Justin and I have been wanting to deepen our relationship with each other and God.  I think it's every Christian married couples dream and intention to pray together every day. It has been something Justin and I have wanted to do, but have let everything under the sun get in our way of it.  When I came home from my appointment that day, I told him about what my therapist wanted me to do.  So we decided together that we would share what our 3 things that we are grateful for, and then pray together.  So far, so good.  We have really been blessed through this process.  I  feel like we are growing and I feel like we are rooted deeper into each other through this process.  I don't know how long it will last, but I do know I'm going to relish in this moment that we have and thank God for Justin every chance I can.

What are you grateful for lately?

And the Results........

I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting to hear how our doctors appointment went yesterday.  We still have a lot of questions but have some definite clear answers now.  I was feeling really nervous and couldn't sleep the night before our appointment.  I told Justin as we got off the exit, how I just felt really nervous and anxious.  I just felt like something was off.  

SO, we sit down with our doctor and she starts to go over our test results that we have accumulated over the last month or so.  The dye test went great, everything was clear, even though I small Fallopian tubes, she said it all looked great.  She said my testosterone levels were slightly elevated...um what? And my Estrogen levels were borderline...But that I'm okay.  Umm what?  Do you know the craziness I've been through for the last couple months?  HELLO! Her resolve was for me to drastically change my diet: 

No Carbs, No Sugar, No Caffeine,  No Chocolate, To drink TONS of water and take 100mg of Vitamin B6 and 50 mg of Zinc a day on top of a prenatal Vitamin.  OKAY I can do this.....Maybe. No, I have to!  Wait, did she really say.......

 NO CHOCOLATE OR SUGAR?

I THINK, MY LIFE IS OVER! 

No in all honesty, it is totally doable if it's going to help with all my crazy symptoms, then I'm all in. 

She was definitely more concerned with Justin's test results.  He did two tests and on the second one they had to send it out to Loma Linda for additional testing.  She went over all the numbers and what that means. Basically Justin's swimmers don't have enough pep in their step to do the job.  There aren't enough of them nor are there enough of the strong ones to get through. 

Basically according to his first set of test results, the only way we would be able to get pregnant would be through IVF.....(gulp, jaw hit the floor at this moment.)

WAIT, WHAT?!?

Then she proceeded to say that based upon his second set of test results, which the "specialist test" came back good from Loma Linda, she said that IUI (artificial insemination) would be our best bet.

PHEW! 

Okay.  So then, she started on our game plan....ughhh okay.  It was all a bit fast, but we understood everything that she said.  

Life wasn't supposed to happen like this.  THIS was not the way it was supposed to go.  When I signed up to be a grown up and got married, this wasn't in my contract! Your telling me without a miracle from God, we can't get pregnant naturally?  No, No, no.....this wasn't in my plan.  Exactly.....MY plan.  God, He has a different plan.  Probably a much better one than me.  

We definitely came out of the appointment in shock. We felt like we weren't expecting what she said.  We know God's got this.  We know He has a perfect plan.

We are going to be praying earnestly for peace and confirmation that this is where God wants our life to go.  We need your help with prayer for that exact thing.  Thanks for taking this journey with us and we appreciate you.  

Checking In......Working Out Update......

So Wed I set off to do the C25K jog and it turned out, I just wasn't there mentally to start.  So I decided to start yesterday.  I was talking myself up all day, reading Mama Laughlin's blog which you can read here, and generally having an awesome feeling about starting fresh and making it count.  I came home, changed, got my phone set up with music and all that jazz and I went.  

Now, my parents live in a hilly part of Glendora and I needed to get up a hill to the main road so I could do the jogging on somewhat of a flatter incline. So as I near the street that is flat, I'm rounding the corner and my 5 minute warm up is done and it beeps at me to start jogging.....OKAY! Lets' go! 

My first goal in this process was to run the full 60 seconds.  Now let me tell you how hard it is to jog with an additional 80 pounds on your person.  YES! I said 80 pounds.  That is what I have done to myself the last 5 years of marriage.  Back to running....I did it! I finished the first 60 seconds and I thought to myself...really? that's it???? I couldn't believe that 60 seconds had passed and I did it! I mean I really did it! 

So I started to proceed to walk like the program told me.  And while I was walking I realized my pants were falling down....I was like crap...there it is.  There is that one thing that is going to ruin this for me.  I just want to do this without anything stopping me.  So then it beeped again for me to start jogging once again.  I set off....then the inevitable happened.....

MY PANTS FELL DOWN TO YOU KNOW WHERE>>>>>>>>>>>>

literally my pants had fallen down and I was almost showing lady parts....Praise the Lord for long tank tops.................

So I stopped running. Paused the program, tried to discreetly "fix" myself, and I kept walking.  I tried to jog again, and the same thing happened.  Dragt! 

SO i cranked up my music and fast walked the rest of the way home.  

I was so disappointed........but! yes there is a but! I was encouraged because for the first time in YEARS, I had gone and exercised by myself.  Yup, all on my lonesome.  I know this may come as a shock........and your asking yourself uhhh amber, that's great, but why is that so great?  People do it all the time?  

Well, if you know me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a while now.  I've been doing therapy for the past 4 months and it has been wonderful.  I haven't had to go on any meds.  I still have my up and down days for sure.  But for the first time in quite sometime...I'm starting to feel like myself again.  The girl who know's how to have fun, instead of worrying about EVERYTHING and the outcome of it.  The girl who is carefree and doesn't have a panic attack over things that I cannot control.  

*I'm going to be very blunt and honest here*

Ever since I got married, I always thought felt that I was loosing myself in my marriage because that's just what happens. I wasn't happy with myself and who I was.  I thought it was circumstantial and I was totally consumed with Justin.  Well I was WRONG.  The real reason was because I was getting fat and unhappy with myself.  I couldn't see that because I was in denial.  Complete denial.  I was gaining weight at a pretty fast rate, I mean 80 lbs in 5 years.  That's ALOT.  I hated who I was in the mirror. I hated that I couldn't keep up and that I was tired. All. the. time.  I thought it was me loosing myself to my marriage when in fact, I was loosing myself to me.  But I digress......

I'm excited to get back at it today after work.  

I have an email in to my favorite blog Mama Laughlin, and asked her what she wore when she was heavier and started running.  I have never done that either, because I guess a part of me thought it was weird.  lol.  

I'll keep you guys updated! 

We have our appointment on Monday to find out test results and for our doctor to go over everything with us and maybe find out a game plan.  

*Have a great weekend all! 

}, Amber

I'm an IDIOT....You're and IDIOT....(from The Grinch)

I know what you are thinking.....twice in one day!

I just needed to put this out there.

It's human knowledge that you need to drink 8 glasses min, of water a day.


Well this human doesn't.  I LOATH WATER! Seriously.....I hate the stuff...I'm a water snob and I hate arrowhead, it takes like sewer.

Today I have successfully gulped down 8 glasses of water before 5p.m. mind you! and i feel.....

FANTASTIC! 

My mom and I are going to go walking when we get home from work and I'm hoping I can talk her into doing the C25K app with me.  I've been wanting to start it so bad.......Today is the day! 

I feel like part of my fog I have been in has lifted.  I feel like I have energy as opposed to wanting to go home and sleep.  

I know you have to drink water. It's good for you, it's what we need to live on.  I'm just stubborn I guess and retarded.  Good bye soda, juice, everything....HELLO H2O! 

It's the start of the last time I start this again.......

What does that mean, you ask?  

Well, I'm sick.  I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I do.  I'm sick of having 0 energy, aches and pains, and not feeling good about myself!  

I'm DONE! Did you hear that? DONE!

Justin and I went shopping last night for "Clean" eating, and I was pleasantly surprised that our bill was less than what we would normally spend.

We got so many good things, I feel excited to be eating them and how my body will respond to eating such things. I'm going walking tonight before small group and I'm learning you just have to do it when you can.  I won't walk when it's super dark by myself because we now live in the Foothills and there are a ton of wild animals.  Especially Coyotes! Um No thanks! 

I'm going to commit to setting myself up for success, meaning, I will prep my food and stay on top of that.  I will commit to exercising 3 to 4 times a week.  

Nothing will ever change, if I don't make it change. I will stay the same if I don't change it.  

I want to be healthy, I want to love myself, I want to like who I am.

I will start progression picture and do them every 10 pounds.

My goal is to loose 20 lbs. and go from there.  Am I giving myself a time stamp?  No, because I don't want to fail.  I know that if I'm not loosing 1 lb a week, then something is wrong and I'm not going hard enough. Healthy is the goal here, not skinny. I need to get the weight off if I am going to get pregnant. 

I know all this. 

Thanks for taking this journey with me! 

~loves~  

Our not so new, new desk!

I thought I would take a break from everything else and share with you our amazing find this weekend! Justin has been wanting a desk where we can set up the lap top and printer so he can do his schooling.  Mind you, he's doing a 100% online bachelors degree and that's a lot of sitting.  Which is really good for him right now, since he still cannot bare weight on his foot.  

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*UPDATE ON JUSTIN* 

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So we were driving by this cute little thrift shop here in town, called New Unto Others.  It is an awesome place to donate because they have a TON of charities that they give a percentage of their earnings to.  So we were on the hunt for a desk.  They had a ton of stuff sitting in the parking lot so I thought we could just stop by and swing in.  I immediately found this:

 I didn't get a good before picture as this is shown without the drawers and I have already sanded it down.  

What it actually is, is an old sewing machine table! and the detail on it, is just divine! 

Get this! We bought the table for $16 bucks! It was $20 and then because it was outside it was an additional 25% off! Can't complain.  We spend an additional $25 bucks on supplies.  

Now we had been looking for a desk that was just the right size for a while now.  The ones at IKEA were ok, but none fit the bill just right.  Then we found one at Target and it was perfect and cheap and $60.  I still wasn't sold on spending $60.  

So then we found this!   

So all in all we spent $41.  Yes it took some leg work and muscles, but it's exactly what I had in my head! 

I am not done with it but I'll show you some progress pictures and I'll show you the final product when I am done with it.  Enjoy! 

 As you can see the top is where the sewing machine would have been.  We will reinforce under neath with wood so it won't be unstable to write on it.  

These are the drawers! They look lighter because the room was brighter! 

Have a great day everyone! 

Trust. Faith. Promise.

Today I write with a heavy heart.  No we haven't heard any news, but I also feel very heavy today.  I write because it's therapy for me.  I write to feel  like I can put it out there without feeling like I am burdening someone else with my problems.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  I write to put my heart on my sleeve.  I write....because I love to.  

I want to TRUST God.  I want to be able to say that I, with reckless abandoned, TRUST God 110%. But the truth of the matter is, I don't.  And It's not that God is not trust worthy, and it's not like He has EVER done anything to loose my trust.  I, as a human being, feel like I can't trust in God's promises.  Being a Christian is so hard.  Walking and trusting and believing blindly, is a hard impossible thing to do.  It's like if I were to drive a car while being blind, it is IMPOSSIBLE! I would crash and die.  

Looking to the One who is our Healer, our Leader, the Lover of our soul is so hard when things get so hard.  Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed.  Some days I want to just throw my hands up and scream.  Some days, I want to just give up.  I think about what Trust really is and what is really means.  It's within me.  It's how I choose to live my life according to what the Bible says.  I choose to Trust in those words.  I choose to Love God. And I Fail on all those every. single. day.  I know He will always be there without fail.  He is omnipresent.  It's my lack of Faith in him to trust Him.  

That is pretty heavy.  

That is not something any Christian wants to openly admit.  But in all honesty?  Its real.  

Being a Christian means to constantly find connection with our maker.  To openly cry out for help when your storm is raging.  To TRUST, that God will pull you through and you won't sink.  I want to have that Trust.  I try to seek Him everyday.  To Trust Him more and more everyday.  But there will be days when I just can't. And that is okay.  God loves me for who I am.  I am a Sinner. I am human.  I'm super lame sometimes.  I will always go back.  I will always seek him.  

God PROMISES to never leave us.  He has so many wonderful promises that reassure me everyday.  In my human nature, I want to push away and not believe those promises.  The enemy wants us to not believe them.  He wants us so far away from Trusting God, that we push away.  I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.  

I want to be so in love with God, that my soul yearns for Him.  I want to be moved by God.  He is everything.  He's all I want, all I need, and that, is ENOUGH. 

We are in the midst of a pretty heavy, rocky storm.  There are so many elements being thrown into our storm, that I feel like the sun will never rise.  But I am going to CHOOSE to trust God in bringing us through them.  I am going to CHOOSE to have that Faith like a child to be able to see clearly what God wants for our lives.  He is the maker, healer, provider for all of our needs.  I choose to love Him with reckless abandoned.  He is my everything.  He is my God.  He is my HOPE.

Picture from worshipgifs.tumblr

Update!

Hello Everyone!

I just wanted to say hi and let you all know that our appointment has been moved to August 12.  We won't know anymore until then.  Thank you for the prayers and thoughts and we have been feeling them.  We know you have been placed in our lives for a reason and we love you all.   I hope you all have a great weekend.

-Amber

My unapologetic apology :-)

As I sit here tonight watching Narnia Prince Caspian with the hubs and my mom, I'm feeling peaceful. I'm feeling relaxed and carefree for the first time, in a long time.  Over the last few days I keep asking Justin the same question.... Do you still think its okay to just put everything out there? Like I am needing validation for my feelings. Which I don't! I knew going into this that when I started the process of writing our journey that I would get lots of opinions and I was 100% okay and ready for that. But! I didn't realize how much I would fret about offending people. 

Now 5 years ago I wouldn't care what anyone thought of me or what I said. But now,  I do. I care. I'm a pretty blunt person. Justin and I are very open and we do wear our hearts on our sleeves. I am the daughter of a nurse. I use vocabulary according to what things are.

So what I am trying to say is, I'm sorry if I offend you with my words, I want to enrich your life with my words, but my thoughts and my actions are real life for me and ultimately this is intended for my documentation, my release of it all, and to keep family and friends up to date on something that is HUGE for our family and something that we will always remember.  

Thank you for taking this journey with us and thank you for your love and support of us. We appreciate you more than you even know.  This blog will be very straight forward and to the point and I can't hide who I am! Lol. 

Fridays appt

So to say that Fridays appointment went well, would be fair to say. What wouldn't be fair to say is how prepared I was for the pain of it. I'm pretty sure that was the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. And I know that it probably won't be the last time I feel pain like that.

In all fairness, the test itself only took about 4 minutes. But let me explain what they do.....

You lay on an MRI machine table and  they basically prep you like you are going to have a pap done. Then she cleans you inside with iodine, and proceeds to stick a catheter with a camera all the way up. She then inflates a balloon and then starts to push the dye through to see if you are all clear. Through that process if feels like thousands of tiny needles or knives being pushed into you. 

She also put a monitor right in front of my face so I could see what was going on. But, I couldn't see through my blurred vision to even get a clear picture of what was going on.  I'm thankful it is done and over with and i never want to experience something like that again. I can still, 15 hours later, feel the achyness from it. She said everything Looks clear and fine and that my tubes looked on the small side but that they were good! Relief!!!!!!!!!

Now we have an appt scheduled for the 29th for a follow up of all the tests we have had to do. We will hopefully get a game plan then. 

Prayers are welcome. Gods plan is perfect and I can't wait to see it unravel.

Overwhelmed

Today is a weird day weather wise....as I sit at my desk and look outside, the clouds are covering the bright blue sky that is just yearning to shine through.  It's a pretty quiet morning in the office and as I sit here typing and cruising around the internet world, I find myself in a state of peace.  I feel an overwhelming sense of peacefulness and happiness.  I feel like my life is starting to unfold before my eyes and I just can't help but sit back and smile.  For the first time in a while LONG time, I feel almost content.  I feel secure.  I feel....HAPPY.   I feel happy about what my life is and what it could be.  I feel happy because although my life is NOT ideal, it's beautifully and wonderfully designed by a High King whom my soul LOVES.  I feel overwhelmed at the fact that HE loves me so much he has brought me to this place of wonder and has secured our life with wonderful things.   

.:HOPEFUL:.

I feel there is HOPE for the first time in a long time, that we will be progressing forward with life instead of just sitting and waiting.  Wait, what were we waiting for?  Waiting to start a family?  Waiting for everything to be perfect?  Waiting to be financially secure?  In all honesty, I think we were waiting for those things and they weren't coming.  Like....at all.  I think Justin's accident has really jolted us both into a frame of mind where we are done waiting and with things just sort of happening in the last couple months, we see God and He is walking right beside us.  I know He is ALWAYS right there, but I have never felt Him more than now. All the things I was struggling with, and all the things Justin was struggling with, not so much there anymore.  We may have new struggles, but God has brought us through this far...He's going to see us through.  

I'm so thankful for the word, HOPEFUL.  For without it where would this world be.....

more so....where would I be?  

A new Journey for the Gerharts......

Hey Guys,

Yup its officially been a millennium since I've written a single word on this page.  But that is about to change, because we have some pretty heavy stuff going on in our lives at the moment.

Let me fill you in on the back story of all this.

At the beginning of June, June 2 to be exact, while Justin was working and getting ready for a blood drive he rolled his ankle and completely blew it out. Fast forward to over a month later, 2 surgeries, a pair of crutches, a wheelchair, and a boot named Frank, we are now in the healing process.  Justin will be off work for another couple months and it's all just up in the air.  Mean while we had to move in with my mom and dad because a 2nd story apt just wouldn't do with Frank... We are planning on staying for a year to start saving money and getting out of a little more debt.  Hopefully next year will be a year of amazing things!

We have been officially trying to get pregnant now for 10 months, with no result.  I have been off of birth control since October of 2011 and in September of 2012 we started to actively try to get preggers.  We had one month where I was 5 days late and our hopes were up and then after going to the grocery store and buying a pregnancy test, I started my period when I got home.  After much praying and talking I decided to make a Dr. appt in January to see if I could get a hormone test or something to see if I was okay.  I hadn't been feeling right and my mood swings were astronomical and I just wasn't feeling like myself.  After said Dr. appt, I felt defeated.  She said because I was having a period every month that everything was fine and  I was "normal."  So I thought, okay she must know better than I.  A few more months past and things weren't changing.  I still wasn't getting prego and I was still feeling crazy.  My therapist advised me to push forward and get an infertility appt.  SO i did, and it was the best advice I've ever been given.

Which takes us to last week, Wednesday.

I had fought over the phone to get an appt and what basically got me the appt was the fact that I had been doing the ovulation tests for 3 months in a row with a negative result.  Justin and I both went in and I was absolutely dreading the appointment.  I thought they were going to berate me for being overweight, and laugh in my face because we haven't been trying a year..(apparently that's the golden number that will get someone to take you seriously)  BUT that wasn't the case at ALL!

We went in and met with the kindest doctor I've ever met.  She asked us a bunch of questions about our family history, how long we have been trying, and just general random questions about ourselves.  Then she ordered a bunch of tests for us.  I have been slowly getting my test results and although i'm not a dr., i have been looking them up and this is what I have concluded....

My testosterone is through the roof.  I have estrogen levels of that of a woman who should be pre-menopausal.  IF i'm reading these correctly than I will say yes that is what it is.  I will find out Friday if that is true or not.  I will also be having a test done where they insert dye into my uterus to see if I have a blockage of any kind.

Dr. Huffmann seems very proactive and by the way she was describing an over view of treatment, it seems like things should just move right along.

I'm nervous, hopeful, thankful, relieved, and just overall feeling blessed and this is right where God wants us. I know that He will meet us right where we are and I have never been more sure of His timing.  even through the raging storms, I know that this is where we are supposed to be.   I'm thankful for such a supportive husband who is crutching it right along side me and supporting me.  I couldn't be more thankful.

Trying to find my joy.....

Lately, I have seem to have misplaced something very valuable to my spirit....my Joy.  Lately, I feel like I've been on emotional roller coaster that I'm just not tall enough to go on.  Lately, I feel like the only thing holding me back from find my Joy, is myself.  I feel numb, I feel tired, and lately I feel like I could just burst into tears at any said moment.  But because I don't want to feel it, I don't, so I become numb once again.  I get teased because of how much I love kids.  My coworkers often tease me because they think I will steal a baby because I love them so much.  I talk of them often, more like everyday.  Why?  Because children and babies are so nieve to the world.  They are pure as well as is their Joy.  They see the world through crystal so clear, they can see Joy in everything.  The older I get, my joy is fogged by my glasses that I'm wearing.  I'm bogged down by the stresses of life.  Not being able to get pregnant when I want.  Not being out of debt when I want.  Life getting in the way of MY plans!

Well, let me be the first to say this.....My plans.....My plans.....they are NOT GOD'S plans.  My way may not be the right way.  When I start to loose my Joy, it's time to reevaluate why it's not there.  My glasses have fogged, my vision is blurred and I need to refocus my eyes on Him.  On Jesus.  My Savior. My God.

I want His plan for my life.  I want His time line of when we get out of debt.  I want Him to tell me if we are having kids and when.  I want to grasp that more than I want my next breath.  I want to be so wholly consumed by Him, my glasses are constantly clear, and I have faith like a child.

Having faith like a child.

Now you know why I love babies so much.  They are precious in His sight.

And so am I.