Trust. Faith. Promise.

Today I write with a heavy heart.  No we haven't heard any news, but I also feel very heavy today.  I write because it's therapy for me.  I write to feel  like I can put it out there without feeling like I am burdening someone else with my problems.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  I write to put my heart on my sleeve.  I write....because I love to.  

I want to TRUST God.  I want to be able to say that I, with reckless abandoned, TRUST God 110%. But the truth of the matter is, I don't.  And It's not that God is not trust worthy, and it's not like He has EVER done anything to loose my trust.  I, as a human being, feel like I can't trust in God's promises.  Being a Christian is so hard.  Walking and trusting and believing blindly, is a hard impossible thing to do.  It's like if I were to drive a car while being blind, it is IMPOSSIBLE! I would crash and die.  

Looking to the One who is our Healer, our Leader, the Lover of our soul is so hard when things get so hard.  Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed.  Some days I want to just throw my hands up and scream.  Some days, I want to just give up.  I think about what Trust really is and what is really means.  It's within me.  It's how I choose to live my life according to what the Bible says.  I choose to Trust in those words.  I choose to Love God. And I Fail on all those every. single. day.  I know He will always be there without fail.  He is omnipresent.  It's my lack of Faith in him to trust Him.  

That is pretty heavy.  

That is not something any Christian wants to openly admit.  But in all honesty?  Its real.  

Being a Christian means to constantly find connection with our maker.  To openly cry out for help when your storm is raging.  To TRUST, that God will pull you through and you won't sink.  I want to have that Trust.  I try to seek Him everyday.  To Trust Him more and more everyday.  But there will be days when I just can't. And that is okay.  God loves me for who I am.  I am a Sinner. I am human.  I'm super lame sometimes.  I will always go back.  I will always seek him.  

God PROMISES to never leave us.  He has so many wonderful promises that reassure me everyday.  In my human nature, I want to push away and not believe those promises.  The enemy wants us to not believe them.  He wants us so far away from Trusting God, that we push away.  I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.  

I want to be so in love with God, that my soul yearns for Him.  I want to be moved by God.  He is everything.  He's all I want, all I need, and that, is ENOUGH. 

We are in the midst of a pretty heavy, rocky storm.  There are so many elements being thrown into our storm, that I feel like the sun will never rise.  But I am going to CHOOSE to trust God in bringing us through them.  I am going to CHOOSE to have that Faith like a child to be able to see clearly what God wants for our lives.  He is the maker, healer, provider for all of our needs.  I choose to love Him with reckless abandoned.  He is my everything.  He is my God.  He is my HOPE.

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Update!

Hello Everyone!

I just wanted to say hi and let you all know that our appointment has been moved to August 12.  We won't know anymore until then.  Thank you for the prayers and thoughts and we have been feeling them.  We know you have been placed in our lives for a reason and we love you all.   I hope you all have a great weekend.

-Amber

My unapologetic apology :-)

As I sit here tonight watching Narnia Prince Caspian with the hubs and my mom, I'm feeling peaceful. I'm feeling relaxed and carefree for the first time, in a long time.  Over the last few days I keep asking Justin the same question.... Do you still think its okay to just put everything out there? Like I am needing validation for my feelings. Which I don't! I knew going into this that when I started the process of writing our journey that I would get lots of opinions and I was 100% okay and ready for that. But! I didn't realize how much I would fret about offending people. 

Now 5 years ago I wouldn't care what anyone thought of me or what I said. But now,  I do. I care. I'm a pretty blunt person. Justin and I are very open and we do wear our hearts on our sleeves. I am the daughter of a nurse. I use vocabulary according to what things are.

So what I am trying to say is, I'm sorry if I offend you with my words, I want to enrich your life with my words, but my thoughts and my actions are real life for me and ultimately this is intended for my documentation, my release of it all, and to keep family and friends up to date on something that is HUGE for our family and something that we will always remember.  

Thank you for taking this journey with us and thank you for your love and support of us. We appreciate you more than you even know.  This blog will be very straight forward and to the point and I can't hide who I am! Lol. 

Fridays appt

So to say that Fridays appointment went well, would be fair to say. What wouldn't be fair to say is how prepared I was for the pain of it. I'm pretty sure that was the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. And I know that it probably won't be the last time I feel pain like that.

In all fairness, the test itself only took about 4 minutes. But let me explain what they do.....

You lay on an MRI machine table and  they basically prep you like you are going to have a pap done. Then she cleans you inside with iodine, and proceeds to stick a catheter with a camera all the way up. She then inflates a balloon and then starts to push the dye through to see if you are all clear. Through that process if feels like thousands of tiny needles or knives being pushed into you. 

She also put a monitor right in front of my face so I could see what was going on. But, I couldn't see through my blurred vision to even get a clear picture of what was going on.  I'm thankful it is done and over with and i never want to experience something like that again. I can still, 15 hours later, feel the achyness from it. She said everything Looks clear and fine and that my tubes looked on the small side but that they were good! Relief!!!!!!!!!

Now we have an appt scheduled for the 29th for a follow up of all the tests we have had to do. We will hopefully get a game plan then. 

Prayers are welcome. Gods plan is perfect and I can't wait to see it unravel.

Overwhelmed

Today is a weird day weather wise....as I sit at my desk and look outside, the clouds are covering the bright blue sky that is just yearning to shine through.  It's a pretty quiet morning in the office and as I sit here typing and cruising around the internet world, I find myself in a state of peace.  I feel an overwhelming sense of peacefulness and happiness.  I feel like my life is starting to unfold before my eyes and I just can't help but sit back and smile.  For the first time in a while LONG time, I feel almost content.  I feel secure.  I feel....HAPPY.   I feel happy about what my life is and what it could be.  I feel happy because although my life is NOT ideal, it's beautifully and wonderfully designed by a High King whom my soul LOVES.  I feel overwhelmed at the fact that HE loves me so much he has brought me to this place of wonder and has secured our life with wonderful things.   

.:HOPEFUL:.

I feel there is HOPE for the first time in a long time, that we will be progressing forward with life instead of just sitting and waiting.  Wait, what were we waiting for?  Waiting to start a family?  Waiting for everything to be perfect?  Waiting to be financially secure?  In all honesty, I think we were waiting for those things and they weren't coming.  Like....at all.  I think Justin's accident has really jolted us both into a frame of mind where we are done waiting and with things just sort of happening in the last couple months, we see God and He is walking right beside us.  I know He is ALWAYS right there, but I have never felt Him more than now. All the things I was struggling with, and all the things Justin was struggling with, not so much there anymore.  We may have new struggles, but God has brought us through this far...He's going to see us through.  

I'm so thankful for the word, HOPEFUL.  For without it where would this world be.....

more so....where would I be?  

A new Journey for the Gerharts......

Hey Guys,

Yup its officially been a millennium since I've written a single word on this page.  But that is about to change, because we have some pretty heavy stuff going on in our lives at the moment.

Let me fill you in on the back story of all this.

At the beginning of June, June 2 to be exact, while Justin was working and getting ready for a blood drive he rolled his ankle and completely blew it out. Fast forward to over a month later, 2 surgeries, a pair of crutches, a wheelchair, and a boot named Frank, we are now in the healing process.  Justin will be off work for another couple months and it's all just up in the air.  Mean while we had to move in with my mom and dad because a 2nd story apt just wouldn't do with Frank... We are planning on staying for a year to start saving money and getting out of a little more debt.  Hopefully next year will be a year of amazing things!

We have been officially trying to get pregnant now for 10 months, with no result.  I have been off of birth control since October of 2011 and in September of 2012 we started to actively try to get preggers.  We had one month where I was 5 days late and our hopes were up and then after going to the grocery store and buying a pregnancy test, I started my period when I got home.  After much praying and talking I decided to make a Dr. appt in January to see if I could get a hormone test or something to see if I was okay.  I hadn't been feeling right and my mood swings were astronomical and I just wasn't feeling like myself.  After said Dr. appt, I felt defeated.  She said because I was having a period every month that everything was fine and  I was "normal."  So I thought, okay she must know better than I.  A few more months past and things weren't changing.  I still wasn't getting prego and I was still feeling crazy.  My therapist advised me to push forward and get an infertility appt.  SO i did, and it was the best advice I've ever been given.

Which takes us to last week, Wednesday.

I had fought over the phone to get an appt and what basically got me the appt was the fact that I had been doing the ovulation tests for 3 months in a row with a negative result.  Justin and I both went in and I was absolutely dreading the appointment.  I thought they were going to berate me for being overweight, and laugh in my face because we haven't been trying a year..(apparently that's the golden number that will get someone to take you seriously)  BUT that wasn't the case at ALL!

We went in and met with the kindest doctor I've ever met.  She asked us a bunch of questions about our family history, how long we have been trying, and just general random questions about ourselves.  Then she ordered a bunch of tests for us.  I have been slowly getting my test results and although i'm not a dr., i have been looking them up and this is what I have concluded....

My testosterone is through the roof.  I have estrogen levels of that of a woman who should be pre-menopausal.  IF i'm reading these correctly than I will say yes that is what it is.  I will find out Friday if that is true or not.  I will also be having a test done where they insert dye into my uterus to see if I have a blockage of any kind.

Dr. Huffmann seems very proactive and by the way she was describing an over view of treatment, it seems like things should just move right along.

I'm nervous, hopeful, thankful, relieved, and just overall feeling blessed and this is right where God wants us. I know that He will meet us right where we are and I have never been more sure of His timing.  even through the raging storms, I know that this is where we are supposed to be.   I'm thankful for such a supportive husband who is crutching it right along side me and supporting me.  I couldn't be more thankful.