Finding Peace through a Hurricane.....

It kinda sounds like an oxymoron.  No, it is an oxymoron.

These days, I'm struggling to find that peace.   We have many things going on right now and I have been a stress basket over each and everyone of them.  I keep crying out to God, telling Him I give it to Him.  But in reality, I really haven't.  I'm trying and trying and trying to release it, but I can't.  I don't know how.  WHY??


....Because I'm a control freak!


****Sad Day, right?



Yea, sad day is right.  Because until I learn to release that control, I will never experience the fruit that comes with giving God all the control in my life.  As I sit and think about all the craziness that is in our lives these days, I think is it really worth it?

NO! it's not.

I find myself running in the opposite direction of God and in that opposite direction, I find....pain, suffering, emptiness, loneliness, aggression, resentment.  All these things are serious and seriously no fun.  Especially when I bring all these feelings into my marriage.  Does it effect Justin? oh you betcha! I have always struggled to find balance in my life and a steady routine if you will.   Do I need to trust that  God will provide with all things, YES! Do i need to stop worrying, YES! So why is it so hard?


****Because I'm human? Yes.


So what do I need to do to rectify all these things?  Pray! Be in the word.  Push aside temptation and rebuke evil things.  Stay true to what God wants for my life and bare the fruit that He is so willing to freely give!

I've pushed God aside one to many times, but you know what? He still loves me.  I might not know all the Bible verses, I might not be some wonder Christian who knows everything, but I do know this! God loves me.  Like He really really loves me.  No matter how many times I fail Him, He will NEVER fail me.  Because He's awesome like that.

Hello Fall!

So this past weekend, I was feeling the itch to be crafty, and make something.  It's when I feel at peace and the world is right.....since i've been feeling so opposite of that, I decided it was the perfect remedy! I decided to make a fall wreath for our front door! This is how it turned out! 

And the best part...wait for it...It was only $10 bucks! for everything! I was so happy how it came out! I love looking at my front door when I come home now! 

This past week, I have been asking begging God to reveal Himself to me. I have seen so much and it's funny how at the time, you think nothing of it.  But, as I'm looking back, I can see how He purposefully placed Himself among me.  From talking with some dear friends last night at dinner, God revealed to me no matter how bad we think OUR situation is, it's NOT the worst.  There is someone out there far worse off than you, so be grateful! 

I know that God is always there for us.  The way I fall more and more in love with God is through music.  Yesterday at church, God really spoke through me in worship.  The sermon was smack dab in my face.  Colassians 3:1-16.  Basically kill the bad out of your life, let the goodness in.  There are so many things in my life right now, that I just need to get rid of....and not tomorrow...NOW! Why is it so hard for our flesh to get rid of such things? I don't get it! It's poison to your soul! 

Anyways....I cannot wait for fall to get here.   This heat needs to go now! Like peace out! 

What are you guys most excited about for Fall?

Struggles

There are so many times in my life where I struggle.  I struggle with work, commitment, being someone's friend, my relationship with God.  My "Easy" button if you will is so very easy for me to push.  When I do push it, I find I'm even more unhappy than I was before.  Lately, I've been solely focused on my relationship with God, or lack there of.  I know it takes work and diligence to keep a healthy, strong relationship with my heavenly father.  

 I'm finally at the age where I can identify why I am feeling the way I am and what I am lacking in my life.  Right now, everything I'm going through is based on my lack of relationship with God.  

I get so caught up in the mundane things of life, that I totally put God in the back of everything.  I push Him so far back, that I have no clue how to even get back to where I need to be with Him 

and in relation with Him.  

I let myself go so deep that it starts in on my self confidence, how I am with other people, 

how I'm living my life.  It's just a mess! 

I recently heard or saw something that just totally triggered me.  Someone said, "The more you fall in love with Jesus, the more you will fall in love with your husband."

This completely makes sense to me.  If I'm not being fulfilled by Jesus, and I expect my husband to fill that void, I will never fully feel loved.  My expectations will go out the window and be let down.  

I want this to be true for both of the leading men in my life.  God and Justin.  

I need to study and see why I am so in love with Jesus.  I need to read His words, read his love pouring out of those pages of the Bible. 

I think my biggest problem, is taking responsibility and accepting that I AM the only one who can change anything.  

It doesn't just happen......WHAT?

DING DING DING!

That's right Amber, relationships take work, hard work.  And, when those relationships aren't fed and  nurtured, they fall apart.  

I'm sort of just rambling on here.  It soothes my soul to just write.  Something that I haven't done in a long long time.  I used to write all the time.  Now....I'm just numb.  I don't have anything to share.  

I want that back.  I want inspiration.  I want to live.  

I'm done being numb.  I'm done being sorry for myself. I'm done not having the things in life that should rock my world everyday, because of ME. 

I know you might not understand, read this and think wow! Amber is all kinds of CRAZY! 

But that's okay, honestly.  My head is a jumbled mess.  I've never been good at compartmentalizing my feelings. They are just kinda all over the place.  

I want to live for Jesus, I want to see His face EVERYDAY! 

Time to get out of this FUNK! 

-PEACE

CAUTION! Heart is ON my sleeve!

****Please be aware that there are some very real, heart wrenching feelings being expressed on this post!



Today has been a very emotional roller coaster for me.  It is stemming from my lack of connection with God.  I often find myself in this position every so often.  I find my self engaging in some not so good for me things, totally not seeking God and just ignoring how I'm feeling to be quite honest.  Last night my mom's very dear friend had a dream that she shared with my mom this morning about my mom and dad. This very dear friend of my mom's has always had very prophetic dreams her whole life.  She has a very strong relationship with God and this is one of her gifts.  The basics of the dream is this:  They were in the church where I grew up in, and in the middle of worship, my mom went to the alter to pray....like on her hands and knees....soon after my dad went down and joined her.  They were praying and crying and seeking God and feeling his presence.   This part of the dream is very profound for my mom, as it totally hits what is going on in her life at the moment.  My mom is a power pray-er.  The next thing that my mom's friend says is what gets me.....As there was no one else but my mom and dad at the alter, she looks over and see's another woman in the same position that   my mom and dad had just been in with her face touching the ground...My mom's friend had a strong feeling it was me.  She goes on to state, how God HEARS, SEES, and KNOWS our hearts and our prayers.  This is so profound to me as I have felt so incredibly distant from God as of lately.  The fact of the church where this was happening is so significant as well.  It means God has been loving us all this time.   We attended that church when I was just a baby....So my whole life, God has been there......Listening, Holding me, loving me and HEARING me when I cry out.

I have felt like God has been so silent to me lately, but I know it's because I'm not seeking.  When I seek, I will find Him and see His face.  I know this to be true.  I know He loves me no matter what.  All the emotions that I am feeling are real and are very in your face.  It's time to step up and own my relationship.  There is something so powerful in knowing that God loves us and He is the one who can keep us safe.

Life is hard, and it doesn't always come in rainbows and lollipops.  But knowing that there is a God who loves you and it routing in your corner, makes it that much easier to deal with the hard stuff when you feel like you just can't anymore.

Body by Vi....Fail.

Hey All!

Sorry it's been a minute since I've last posted, but here I am.  (Yes, I did just use some very Ghetto slang).  Welcome to my world all! As you all know I started the 90 day challenge a couple weeks ago.  I was doing really well on it, and I was actually loving it, but then I started having headaches every single day and my stomach was getting pretty upset.  I felt like I had a pit in my stomach everyday.   Not to mention, I gained 2 lbs in the process.  So needless to say I ended my relationship with Body by Vi 12 days into my challenge.  The day after into the next day after that, I started to feel so much better! Headaches were gone, my stomach finally felt better  and I lost the 2 lbs.  Not sure what the deal was, but I know that MY body didn't like it.

So now i'm back on my way to being a healthy, independent, machine! I know I can choose foods that will be good for me and that will sustain me.  I just have to drink my water and eat my fruits and veggies.  I'll just go back to what I know! And what worked.

I'm tired of disappointment being a set back or discouragement.  I will no longer let those things effect me.  I'm the only one that can get what I want the most of this life.  I have complete control over, besides God.

I feel confident in myself to do these goals that I so desperately want to achieve.  It will be a slow process...Weight doesn't just come of like butter....but i know in the long run, my body will love me for it!

VISalus

So as some of you guys know, I started a 90 day Challenge with ViSalus.  It's been pretty awesome so far.  My challenge started on Sept. 1 and will go until November 30.  In that time, I hope to achieve loosing 30 lbs. So far.  I have lost .6 in 5 days.  I'm a little bummed, because I should be loosing 2.5 lbs. a week.  I'm def.  not discouraged or wanting to give up at all.  I actually really like this program, and the best part about it....I FEEL GREAT! I have tons of stomach issues usually, and now I have none (except for yesterday when I ate those chili cheese fries...oye! NEVER again!)

It's a really awesome product that I drink in a shake form twice a day, and have one good meal and two snacks.  So far I'm in love and it's super easy.  Now all I need to do is start working out.   The even better part of all of this is the price.....I get 60 meals for $99 buckaroonies! I mean no one can buy that anywhere! It's so affordable.  It's awesome! Here's to a healthier, happier, baby ready body ME!


If you guys want more info on this product just go here. 

I'll check in periodically, but for now....just staying focused and trying to love life the best way I can...by loving myself!

Hitting a goal...wait, WHAT??????

Yup! You read that right! I hit a very important goal this weekend.  One that I really believed would never come, and one that I truly believed I could  NEVER do. (That is an ugly word!) I have fought myself for years over this goal and never really giving it much effort to get to this goal.  What are goals, if there is no effort involved. Well over the last 4 months, I've given it some effort and really dug in and made some life changes.   Now I definitely have not given it 100%, but I've given it some decent effort.

I AM PROUD TO SAY I HAVE LOST 20 LBS!

I never thought this day would come.  And I'm so excited to see where my journey leads me.  I'm starting a 90 day challenge with Body by VI.  It's sounds awesome and i'm completely excited to see where it leads me.  If you go here, you can see what it's all about.  It's a shake program that anyone can use.  If you are a body builder, need to loose weight, or want to just get healthy.  They are the best tasting shakes I've ever had and the recipes are endless!

I'm feeling better and better, but I really need to consistently exercise.  Which I'm not, FAIL! I'm only working out like 1 day a week at the moment.  But it's better than nothing.  Thanks for the encouragement and routing me on! It's really helped and encouraged me over the last couple months!  

Long time, no talkie!

Hey Guys!

Sorry for being MIA....Alot has happened over the last little while...

Let's see here's the list....may not be in order, but I will def try to keep it in order!

• Loosing 16 pounds! 
• Mom going through a series of trials through her Gastric Bypass surgery. 
• We headed up to Sacramento to help Justin's brother, Will move.  
• Growing my relationship with my hubs! 
• Just feeling strong and coming to terms with my life.  

Let me just focus on one at a time.   Since I joined Jenny Craig a few months back, I have come to learn a lot!      Back in May or June, we really weren't able to afford it any longer, so I made the choice to really try it on my own.  I lost the first 10 with jenny, and now I've done 6 on my own! I couldn't be happier.  I have learned how to eat healthy and smart when I can't eat so healthy.  I've really come to terms with exercise.  I actually love it. Overall, I feel really good.  Justin has been a huge support for me.  As well as my mom and dad and my best  friend Kathy.  Everyone is really encouraging, and I know I can actually do it.  I think my problem all these years has been instant gratification and over thinking everything.  I made it to be something that was so intangible, that I just didn't care to do it.  Now I know what it takes, and it's so EASY! 

My mom made the decision to do gastric bypass a while ago.  She did the research, talk to people who had it done, prayer tons about what God wanted for her life, and had an overall peace about her decision.  I couldn't have been more happy! She originally went in a month ago for the surgery.  We were all waiting in the waiting room when the Dr. comes out after an hour and tells us that they can't do the surgery.  WHAT! my heart sinks! Apparently the anesthesiology made an error that really could have really hurt my mom if not killed her. He basically put a huge hematoma on my moms stomach right where they had to do the surgery.  Needless to say she was not a happy camper, but she made it through just fine and recovered well! A week later we were back.  Since I was the one staying with her over night and all that, I was mentally prepared, but exhausted.  I can't really recall where I was or what happened for the 2nd try.  But once again it failed, she was throwing PVC's which is basically her heart skipping all over the place.  Her heart rate dropped during the beginning.  She would eventually be put up in a room and we would try the surgery again for the 3rd time the next day.  Everyone came....we got calls from the nurse twice while she was in surgery, she did beautifully! 

She is now 3 weeks out from her surgery, but on Sunday she was having some really really bad pain in her stomach.....She called that night to the Dr.  and he told her if it persists to come in and he would meet her at the hospital.  Monday morning came and she was going into the hospital!   holy cow! I was really freaked out! She had a CT scan and everything came out great.  She just had gastritis.  She did have to stay in the hospital over night....I was once again, her sleeping buddy.   Over all she is doing awesome and she is down 26 lbs! I'm so proud of her and excited that she will be getting her health back! 

On the 4th of July  we headed up to Sac to help Will and Sam move! They were moving just a half an hour south, but we had to move them from two different places: storage unit and her parents house.  We got it all done so quickly and their new house is absolutely adorable! Everything came together so nicely and it was so great to be able to hang out with them for 5 days! 

I'm finally feeling like i'm in a really great place and knowing I am the one who is loosing the weight on my own.....its a freeing feeling! I know i am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.  I have always never taken responsibility for myself....(that's a whole different topic that probably would involve a therapist, so we won't go there) but I am actually feeling like I have so much control! And I like it! lol.  Life is good, God is great, and friends are amazing.  I'm so thankful for having such a full life.  It feels beautiful! 

That's it for now, and I'll definitely be keeping up more..  

loves, for now

Memorial Day Weekend!

I will say this about my weight loss so far... The last 2 to 3 weeks have been crazy, hectic, and not so great scale wise.  I'm going back and forth within my 10 lbs.  I'm finding myself at a low, after an incredible weekend of friends, laughter, games, hiking and everything wonderful.  I'm still sticking to my guide lines as best as I possibly can.  I just need to refocus and get back on the band wagon.  I know my mom is helping us with it, but right now we can't afford Jenny Craig.  We have so much stuff coming up, we literally cannot afford to pay half of the food.  I'm starting to get a little overwhelmed because of the fact that we can't afford the food anymore.  I know I can make healthy choices and do great things for my body outside of Jenny.  I just have to be diligent to do so.  Prayers are definitely needed in that area.  Prayer for direction and discernment on what's good for my body.

 

This past Memorial Day Weekend, Justin and I set out on Adventure! We went camping.  Well kinda.  We only lasted 1 night of camping due to pretty bad wind, rain, and ice conditions on the mountain we were staying.  Along with our dear friends, Kathy, Andrew, Sophie, and Ryan, we all braved one night of terrible conditions and no sleep.  The next day we headed into Julian and enjoyed the quaint little town.  It was a lot of fun! Since we are terrible at taking pictures..I shall take some from our friends FB and post them!  The one above is from a 6 mile intense hike at Black Mountain.  It was really hard.  It was WELL worth it! It was such a gorgeous view at the top! I felt very accomplished.  It was amazing!

What were your highlights this past week?  Hope you guys have a great weekend! Do something good for yourself!

Update!

Hey Guys!

I know it's been a while since I have updated, so here goes!

I weighed in this last Thursday.  Ugh. It had only been 5 days since my last weigh in and I had to weigh in at 5:30 in the evening, again.  So of course their scale claimed I had gained 2 pounds.  Which is false, because I weighted myself at home that morning, and it said I hadn't lost anything. That I was still at my 10 lb weight loss. So I am going with a truer weight from the morning.

So Last week, I wasn't able to exercise at all due to headaches/migraines.  It was awful.  I was in a lot of pain and I even had to stay home from work Wed. because of it.  This week is a new week though! This past Sat and Sun were full of celebrating my birthday! I literally had a week long celebration! It was  nice! This weekend I did not eat well, at all.  We had PF Changs and POP.  

I won't weigh in again until next Tuesday.  Which in all honesty, I'm not that worried about it.  I have a ton of exercise coming my way this weekend.  Along with some healthy eating! This week though before the weekend I would really like to get in the work, but I have so much going on and prepping for the camping trip, that I'm going a little nuts.  It shall be good.  I think I need to sit and have a pep talk with myself about what I really want and what my goals are every 10 lbs.

I am feeling good, but feeling tired.  The headaches are really getting to me.  The migraines.  Oh the migraines. I can't handle them.  Just trying to stay positive.  I'm drinking water like a fish and I know that I am trying my best.  despite what the scale says, I know I'm bettering myself.  And that my friends, is the entire point of this!


Stay motivated my friends!


Until next time......

feeling good!

Hey Guys!

So I just wanted to give you all an update!

I had to switch my weigh in days from Tuesdays at 5:30 to Sat at 8am.   I did this for a couple reasons.  One...You flat out weigh more in the evening than in the morning first thing.  It was literally adding 2 lbs to my weight.  Secondly....it's been tough going to J.C getting all my food and getting home, eating and then making it to Bible Study by 7p.m.   So needless to say this past week with weighing in i had only 3 days in between.   but!   according to their scale, I lost 2.8 lbs! So according to their records I have lost 8 lbs.  As of this morning on my scale, I have lost a total of 10 lbs.  I'm excited to see what their scale tells me.

Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in who knows how long.  I did a total of 45 minutes doing cardio.  And honestly....it was NOT BAD! I did 25 minutes on the elliptical, 15 min on the bike and 5 min on the stair stepper.  I actually felt great being there and it made me feel good for doing something for myself.  I can't wait to shed these lbs and feel like myself again.

Needless to say, baby making has been put on hold for now.  We both feel it's really important for me to shed pounds and get healthy.  So that is what we are focusing on now.  I feel the longing and need to feel good again.  I feel like it will set me back by getting pregnant right now.   We want to.......trust me, we just have to do what is good for our family.

SHOUT OUT! I'm super proud of my best friend Kathy, for kicking butt and taking names! She is getting married at the end of December, and she is rocking it! Keep up the awesome work darling! We deserve this!


I am for the first time in a long time, excited about my future!

Week 2 weigh in.....

So last night I went and did my official Jenny Craig weigh in.  I lost another 2.6 lbs.   She also told me she is worried that I'm loosing weight to fast.  I'm thinking....NO! We shall see what this week brings.  I have consistently lost 9 lbs for the last 3 days.  So i'm sticking with that number.

I am switching my weigh in day to Saturdays, so it will be a  short week of weighing in.  I'm feeling really good and know I can get a grip on my shakes and my feeling hungry.  It will be a great week!

End of week 2

Well it's the end of week 2 for me on Jenny Craig, and I weigh in tonight.  Let me give you so updates before we get to some of the good stuff!

Last week when I met with my consultant, she switched me down to 1500 cal per day.  I was previously on 1700.  I have been feeling very hungry ( but I haven't caved in, to bad. A small bowl of cereal here or there under 120 calories.) I have also been having headaches EVERYDAY!   Is this supposed to happen?  Where I feel hungry and experience pain because of this?  Well i'm cool with feeling hungry and all, that I can deal with.  After all I have go give something up in order for this process to work! But these headaches are almost as bad as migraines.  Advil will NOT take them away, so I have been having to take my Imitrex and last night I caved in to taking a Vicodin before bed so i could sleep. ( Since I had had the headache since 2 that afternoon.)

I feel comfortable with talking to my gal pal (that's what I call my support lady at J.C.) about these issues and trust she will have the answer.

As of today I have lost a total of 9 lbs! I'm so happy! That is according to my scale in the morning, and with no clothes on.  I actually weighed myself after I got dressed this morning and it said I only gained 1 pound.  We shall see.  I might have to buy a J.C. scale.  I will see how much they are.  I'm feeling a little discouraged already due to the fact that I weight in at 5:30 p.m. after a whole day of food filling my body and I may or may not have been able to get rid of any of it at that point.  I'm going to ask if I can change my day to Saturday mornings.


No matter what, I know how much weight I have lost and most importantly, How I FEEL! Which is great! I love not feeling bloated all the time and seeing my jeans fit looser.  I love that my ugly belly bulge is starting to deflate.  YAY for deflation!  I had in my head that loosing weight was impossible.  And I firmly believed it.  I knew other people can do it, but for some reason, I was not able to.  I know call me crazy.  It's so hard being over weight.  I'm just hoping I can help motivate others to get on the bandwagon.  No not everyone can do Jenny Craig, it is expensive.  But, If you can start eating more fruits and veggies that is the key! I firmly believe fiber is what helps.  


That's all for now, I will try and post what Jenny has for me as for as weight loss.

Thanks for the support all!


Loves

Week 1 Weight Loss

Well....I did it! I lost 2.6 pounds! It was such an amazing feeling I even squealed on the scale! lol.  It was such an amazing feeling.

Yesterday was Admin appreciation day, and surprise! I was taken out to lunch.  Oh my gosh..my whole world was shaken.  I didn't know what to do.  I felt helpless.   But then I remembered what my "On Your Own" table says for lunches.  I didn't do as well as I hoped, but I did a lot better than I normally would have.  I got an omelet that had chili and cheese on it.  I only ate half.  So there was my 2 meats.  I had whole wheat toast. (next time I will ask them to only give me on piece, because I ate all of it.) There was my starch +1.   I also asked for fruit instead of potatoes.  I ate all the pineapple.  I was supposed to have a veggie, but I had a pretty large salad for dinner.

Over all yesterday was NOT a set back.  It was just learning how to eat on my own.  I think I could have made a better choice in what I was eating, but I think it also depends on where you go.  We went to Kara's Korner, and its just really good food that is bad for you.  Our office LOVES that place! They have the best clam chowder! But I need to learn what I can and can't eat there.   I felt pretty awe-full physically after I ate.  I ate way to much, felt it for the rest of the afternoon. I couldn't wait to go walking when I got home, and we did.  It even started to rain! It was lovely.

I'm excited for this week to see how much I will loose.  I'm on a 1500 cal diet this week, instead of 1700.  It's not a lot, but I know I can do it.  It will be just fine.   I am learning to become a book worm and I actually really enjoy it! I don't snack while I read, I'm too consumed in my book.

I'm already coming away with so many great things I have learned  and what life style changes I am going to make when I'm off of Jenny Craig.  I'm actually excited because I feel like I have useful tools! I understand what I am meant to do and how I am supposed to feel after I eat.  It's great!


Thanks for keeping up!

Jenny Craig....End of week 1

Sooo, I have survived my first week on Jenny Craig! Woo hoo! First victory! I have a few so I will list them accordingly! 

• Made it through the week! 
• Learned about portion control!
• Ate a ton of fruits and veggies and now know what I really should be eating! 
• I have managed to stay out of my head and just dug in deep!
• I survived a weekend out of town, with my food! (Biggest victory!)

I am so happy.  Tonight I weigh in for the first week.  I don't feel like I have lost weight, but I am feeling so much better! I have been prepping myself all day that if I don't loose weight, I have so many awesome things I have come away with this week.  I have NOT exercised at all this week, so this next week will be full of it!  My Jenny Craig weeks start on Tuesdays, because that is when I first started and weighed in.  

Justin has been the biggest support to me! He encourages me daily and asks how the food was that day.  I really appreciate him.   

I feel like I'm finally grasping a hold on what I need to fuel my body right.  It's a good feeling compared to where I felt so lost, I didn't know where to start.   My goal is 20 pounds with Jenny Craig.  After that, I feel like I will be able to achieve it on my own.  That is a good feeling.  I know what foods work for me.  I am no longer afraid of low-fat foods, and I finally feel a feeling of strength of myself to make better choices.  For that, I'm forever grateful to my mom for helping me!  

Day 2

Hey All!

I'm currently on day two of Jenny Craig, and I have to say.....I am pleasantly surprised! It has been easy peasy.  I don't feel hungry or shaky, and I feel satisfied.  The food has been really really good.  Yesterday here's what was on the menu:

Morning: Egg and ham stuffed Sandwich
              1 Fruit
              1 Cup soy milk ( Dairy kinda irritates my system, actually a lot, so the less I intake is better)
              1/2 Cup of cottage cheese

Snack:    1 Fruit
               1 Anytime peanut butter and chocolate bar

Lunch:     Pizza
               Salad with Jenny Balsamic dressing

Snack:    2 Fruits
              6 oz. nonfat yogurt

Dinner:    Mesquite chicken with potatoes and broccoli
              Veggie Minestrone soup
               1 1/2 cups veggies with margarine ( I used grape seed oil in lieu b/c i hate margarine)

Snack:     Cheddar Popcorn ( i could only eat a little bit, i just wasn't hungry)
               2 tablespoons of Almonds (which is about 6 nuts)


So that was my day along with 64 oz of water! I did it just fine! For all of you who know me, I LOATH water..I just can't drink it... I have no problems yesterday! so yay success!

Today so far, has been great!

Morning:   Blueberry Mini Loaf
                1 fruit
                1 cup soy milk
                1/2 cup cottage cheese

It was so yummy! I just can't get over it! I'm about to eat my morning snack, its always the same.   A bar and a piece of fruit.   Very satisfying.  

I think i have finally hopeful for the first time of being on any kind of diet.  I need to start incorporating exercise, this week has been crazy busy.   Between 2 bible studies and doing hair, laundry and everything else. I need to start finding time to work out.. meaning walk.  I have decided i will do walking and weights.  I will either take my weights walking with me or I will do them after my walk.

For now enjoy one of my favorite songs done by Pentatonix!

Changing My Mind.....

So as I said in my previous post, I was going to sign up for weight watchers...  Well, that didn't exactly pan out.  Justin and I have been pretty tight lately as we are trying to really get out of debt.  I wasn't able to sign up last week, due to this fact.  Monday I received an email from my mom, asking me what I thought about Jenny Craig? Now, I have tried it for like 2 weeks back in 2007, before I got married.  It didn't work for me and my lifestyle...Busy school, work, crazy life with a boyfriend at the time (who's now le husband).  I seriously thought about it, and I said yes! She has offered to help with the costs, and is being super supportive.  So is the husband.  Today is my first day, and so far, so good.  The food is really yummy and i have to incorporate alot of fresh foods along with it! So far I don't feel hungry! yay!

The reason I decided to go with Jenny is, because I have a hard time sticking to anything! It's a terrible green monster in my closet.  It's just how I work.  I'm not proud of it nor does it help me in any way possible.  It's a huge down fall of mine.  Jenny is not cheap, and for my mom to be dishing out that kind of money, kinda makes me responsible for all of it.  The quicker I loose my first 20 lbs (which is what we signed up for), the better.  I definitely don't have a weight on my shoulders about it, but a fresh, invigorating view of loosing this weight with eating good! I feel really good about it.

Confession part 1:  I had a slight panic attack last night about the cost of this.  I was scared already before I even started that the cost was going to be too much and it wouldn't last.  I feel like if this works, what am I going to do if I can't continue.  NOTHING has worked in the past.  I just haven't been able to get my head around it.

Confession part 2:  I have 80 pounds to loose to be at the top of my healthy BMI index number.  Holy freaking cow!!!!!   WHAT! 80 pounds...excuse me...is this thing on! HELLO! Can't it be more like just 20???? NOT!  This scares the crap out of me.

Today I feel confident that this is going to be my lifestyle change for the good.  I am going to learn what I should be eating, how I should be eating for the long haul.  Some serious changes. I know I pretty much sound like a broken record.  I'm sorry for that.. Like I previously said sticking to something is my down fall.  It SUCKS!

Thank you all for encouraging me always, even when you get sick and tired of routing me on when I have yet again failed.  It helps me stay somewhat sane through trying to get through this.

I'll keep updating as I go and how I am feeling......until then,


Loves

Eating Healthier...Easter..No Excuses

This week I have decided to join Weight Watchers! I have done it once before in the past, but wasn't really into it.  This time around I will be able to go to the meetings and have the support given to me that way.  I'm actually really excited about it.  I have also been reading a book called, "Eat right 4 your type."  Its very good so far! I am also deciding to highly cut back on my milk products that I eat, as I know it causes mucus and I have issues with sinusitis.  I also have read about what type of exercising I should be doing that my body will feel the best and get the most out of.  It's very interesting all of the information i'm learning.  So far, it all makes perfect sense!

First item on the menu tonight (and we are also eating it for lunch, because it cooked over night!) is Chicken Taco Chili! I am having it for lunch today and the best part...wait for it.......It's only 5 points! for one and one fourth cup! Its super protein and fiber packed! I'm a happy girl! I can't wait to try it.  Later on this week I will be making these!

On another note. Justin had bought us both things for Christmas that we could use to be out in the world and getting healthier at the same time.  He bought me a beach cruiser and he bought himself some roller blades.  Well needless to say, those roller blades have never seen the ground and my bike, which is currently being stored at the parental's, was used for the first time this weekend by my brother! So we are definitely not using them.  Justin came up with the idea that we get mountain bike's so we can ride on hills, not just down by the beach.  It is really hard/impossible to ride up a hill on a beach cruiser.  I said okay! Hopefully we can get them sold.

 I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the last few weeks, dealing with a lot of my issues and why those said issues are even issues in the first place! phew.......  I have ultimately come up with the fact that no one can change me, but me. I am the biggest excuse maker in the world! I could really be a professional excuse maker.  It's really....sad.

One of my biggest problems is I dwell on what I am either lacking, failing in, or that I can't fix it right away.  It's become this horrible cycle of doom.  I control what goes in my mouth. I control when or when I don't go walking. I control how I say things to people.  God controls everything else.  So why can't I just do it? Because I'm lazy and I don't want to accept the amazing things that could be coming my way from putting in the hard work now.  I have some poundage to loose before having a baby.  I mean I seriously need to get healthy.  I can't hide behind  it, I can't run from it (because I literally can't run).

How was your Easter weekend????? Our's was super great! Church was amazing! Family was awesome! He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! That is always my favorite saying at Easter time.  It provides such comfort to me.  It is the true meaning of Easter!  I am eternally grateful for what God has done for me.   He gave the ultimate sacrifice so I could live... I continually am in amazement over this.  

I hope you all have a fabulous week! much love!  

Belize 2012

Belize was absolutely amazing! I cannot even begin to describe the fulfillment and wonderfulness that I came home with.  We worked four out of the seven days while we were there.  The ladies painted and stained while the men built a 40' x 22' pergola.  It was ginormous! The built this thing in 4 days!  This was part of the start of it! 

They guys worked so hard! You can see the parsonage off to the right.  The preschool is off to the left with the red roof.  The people in Belize are wonderfully kind and humble.  They are so appreciative of what they have and never complain.  It makes you realize what you have and how we take it for granted.  We had one day off in the middle of the week to do something fun! The group split into two groups.  One group went to the Mayan ruins and Kayaking (which we did) and the other we to the coast and went snorkeling/scuba diving.

Here are part of the ruins.  They were amazing.  They were very large and we were able to walk all the way to the top of them.  It was terrifying and freeing all at the same time. We weren't able to take any pictures of the Kayaking part of it due to our cameras would have drown.  It was challenging and scary because we were in class 2 rapids.  I pretty much ate it on every single rapid, all but 2 or 3.  Justin did really well, but had a pretty bad crash on the last rapid that had a 3 foot drop.  He almost had to get rescued, but everything turned out okay.

Here is the finished product! The second team week 2, built the support beams on top of the building as well as the lunch tables that are underneath of the pergola.  It is amazing.  There is lighting for night time events and everything! Another project was the pastor's bathroom was finally finished! no more wobbly bath tub to take showers in.  So much great work happened.

Here is a picture that was taken by our fellow team member, Sid.  It looks like it was taken from the air plane......this is what heaven looks like.  its just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

We want to go back next year.  We want to see what God will do and continue to do in Cotton tree, Belize.  Wee miss the people and the relationships we formed with the people there deeply.  We continue to pray for them and pray that God will richly bless their homes and bring more people to Him.

To God be the Glory.

Every few months it seems....

that I go through this overwhelming, stupidly, self blinding feeling of un-self worth.  I feel like no one likes me, and i'm a nuisance to everyone and everything.  I feel like my life is inevitably falling apart and everything is a mess.  I know this is the enemy getting the very best of me, but i'm not always sure on how to pull myself out.  I just end up one day feeling fine.  I wonder sometimes if I were a man, would I be going through so many emotions is a months time.  But then I really think about it, and I'm SOOOO glad i'm a woman!

I'm hoping my time in Belize will be a time of rejuvenation.  I know when we get back, I will have a fresh new start.
Financially
Spiritually
Self-Worth
Emotionally
Physically


I have a few goals for myself.  I have decided i'm going to start small, and keep going.

• I want to run a mile.(Never, even when i was fit, could i run a mile.)
• I want to be able to fit into a normal size bridesmaids dress. like a 14
• I want to be able to drink water like a fish instead of hating it, i mean every single drop that goes down
• I want to be able to fit into my smaller pair of jeans i have had waiting for me for a year now. 
• i just want to be happy.  and love myself.

it's time.  I told myself I would not put a baby into this unhealthy body..And i won't. 

Not until i get healthy. If it takes me a year, So be it. 

Baby can wait.  God is in control of that.  I need to get me in order and right now i'm a Huge mess.  

Time to whip out those running shoes and just go.  i will be able to run eventually and it's going to take work...yes work..

do i want to do work...no

do i have to.........YES! 

It is going to be hard...YES! 

do i have a choice...NO! 

my life is at stake....there are too many chances to take, and not enough reasons why I can't.  

That's it I'm done...

Belize

As many of you know, me and the hubs are heading out on a Mission's Trip on the 11th of February! We are so very excited and cannot wait to share this experience together.  I have to say though, my heart is a little heavy going into it.  I know we are not going into the most impoverishment part of Africa or India, but I think I'm still not prepared for what I will experience there.  Knowing the fact that I have never been anywhere besides Canada and Ensenada, Mexico (Honeymoon).   My mom went on this exact trip last year, and I know she came back a different person from it.  I'm just not prepared for poverty and the bad things that come along with that.  I'm actually not sure what to expect.  Despite everything, I know i have a soft heart and a tendency to get emotional over the smallest stuff.

I guess my prayer is that God will use me somehow while we are there.  I think it's safe to say that I need to be stretched in my faith and I really need to be jarred back to God.  Lately I have felt so distant from Him and that is my own fault.  God is always there.  He never leaves US.  Me not feeling connected with Him, lacks alot of things that I have always struggled with in my walk with my Father.   I feel that way about my relationships as well.  I fall short when it comes to being a good friend, wife, daughter.  I'm not sure what it is that holds me back and makes me bottle up.   I definitely have hobbit tenancies.   If that makes any sense.

This is what I think of when I think Jungle...

..But, I'm pretty sure that will be much different! I will post pictures when we get back of what we saw!

We are also going here, On our day of excursions!

Yup, we get to go see Mayan ruins. I am actually stoked about that part! And then we will kayak down a river! How cool! I just hope i'm in good enough shape for this! ugh! slacking......

I know this will be an amazing experience that will fly by too fast.  Being out of the country alone, makes me nervous.  But, I know this is where God wants me.  I want Him to guide my life, not me guiding my life.   It's hard getting caught up in the day to day monotonousness mess of life.  It becomes this pattern that you can't break free from.  I pray that I spend more time with Him, and more time reading His word.