Let's have a little chat.........

Good Morning! 

I know it has literally been forever since I've been on here, let alone, even wanted to write anything for that matter.  

Luke is doing awesome.  He is growing like a weed and he will be 5 months old on the 21st of this month! Can you believe it? He is 28 inches long and is weighing 18 lbs...I think...lol.   We started rice cereal and sweet potatoes this month....He is a very good eater! He still gets up about 2 times at night to eat and he takes between 2-3 naps a day.  He sleeps in 6-8 hour stents at night, which is awesome! He's a really good boy.  

Now for the good stuff.....JK.   The main reason I wanted to write today, is because I want to talk about something that isn't often talked about with new moms and the joys of parenthood.  It is more along the lines of the darker side of what sometimes happens to new moms in the midst of the exhaustion and pure and utter joy they feel.  Something that I was so scared would happen to me and has.  

PPD

For those of you who have  no clue what that is, it is Post Partum Depression.  Now let me say for the record this is not a pitty party post, or I want you to feel bad for me post.  No, this is an awareness post.  I do want to tell you about what I've been dealing with and for those who are wondering where the heck I've been, you might understand why.  

For some time I was in denial, that I wasn't feeling the way I was and that I totally have this going back to work, leaving my newborn baby at home thing.  Then I couldn't fight and hold up the walls anymore.  Realizing that as grateful I am that Justin can raise Luke, in my mind, my husband knows my son better than I do.  Aren't I supposed to be the one who knows my son the best?  Isn't it me who is supposed to be the closest one to him and we are supposed to have this amazing bond?  Don't get me wrong, I know Luke and I have a special bond.  He will always look for me when someone else is holding him, and he always snuggles into me even when he's not tired.  

Every day is a struggle to get out of bed.  Every day I am beyond exhausted. Everyday I don't feel good.  Every day to basically function, I have to put every ounce of energy I have.  The anxiety that comes along with it is something that feels like I've drank 2 monsters, the big ones.  Heart pounding, sweating, deep breaths.  I hate that feeling.  I want to be the best I can for my husband and son. But I just don't know how.  It's like a leech that you can't get rid of.  

I can't give enough credit to working mom's.  They have to be apart from their babies for a God awful amount of hours, which is most of the day, then come home, make dinner, get the kids their food, bath, and bed.  By all that time, you have only had about 2 hours all day with your kids.  Not really spending quality time with them.  Then you proceed to do it for the next 5 days.  Weekends....oh glorious weekends. I don't want to do anything, but snuggle with my sweet boy on the couch.  But he has other plans and so do you.  The world can't stop just because you want to capture the moment.  He needs wiggle time, and has to eat and play and sleep.  And you have promises that you have made to be somewhere, thinking in the moment you made them, it would be fine.  Panic sets in at the thought of other people and things taking time away from those precious moments you have with your baby.  Not to mention your time with your husband.  A husband who is utterly exhausted from taking care of your baby boy all day, all while fighting what could possibly be pneumonia. Yup, you have a super hero for a hubby.  

Stay at home mom's I give you so much credit, but I envy you. I know how tired you are, I know the daily battles you face are real.  But I envy that you get to have those battles.  I want the melt downs, and the sweet feeding times that interrupt your cleaning the house.  The diaper changes that make you want to puke your guts up, because your baby is on special formula that smells like death. I envy you.   

Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond thankful that I have a job, and don't have to pay child care.  I am beyond grateful that I have an easy place of employment, with a boss and coworkers who are actually nice and talk to you. A boss who, his wife and himself come down to the hospital and pray with you when your brand new baby is readmitted into the hospital for a fatal issue.  For coworkers that are dudes, but also friends that I have known for a very long time. 

To know that you have to be on meds that help with your depression, that don't actually do anything....trying to figure out what does work for you.  Your husband says that it has calmed you down, but you aren't too sure about that.  You wonder if it really is helping.  

Another side for all of this for me is the fact that, as you all know, I was pretty sick right along with Luke.  I am still having the residual effects of that.  I wasn't able to breastfeed, which is the biggest part of all of this that I am mourning.   I mourn for the hours that I can't be home with Luke, I mourn for the lack of Joy I feel in my life, I mourn for the desperation I feel to want Joy in my life and give myself fully and wholly to my maker.  I mourn for the lack of a wife that Justin has at the moment, and what I really should be for him.  I mourn that I can barely put anything before myself and I'm in a continual state of self help or for better terms, resisting self help.  

I know it won't always be like this.  I know I will have the darkness unveiled. For now, I pray, I plead, and I ask God for favor. I thank him for every moment I have with Justin and Luke. I pray for peace as I constantly live in fear of....EVERYTHING.  

One day, I will find that peace.  For now, I deal. 

What I ask of you, my friends, is that you give and extend grace. I'm not asking it for myself (although it would be much appreciated) but for all those other mommies who disappear after they have a baby.  If you wonder why they don't make plans, don't call, don't have the time......It's because having a baby is hard enough.  Adding Depression on top of it, is debilitating.  Just think twice before you are quick to think that we have just disappeared.   

PPD doesn't effect everyone.  I was probably more susceptible to it because I have had depression/anxiety issues in the past.  It was a fear of mine before I had Luke and here we are.  Very very real.  Like a slap in the face.  It's not something many women like to talk about or admit.  It is an uncomfortable place to be in.  Just cling to the HOPE of who Christ is and who He is inside of you.  He will not let you fall.  You are loved, and you are doing the best you can.  

One day at a time. 

Luke is 13 weeks old!

So it's been a while.  

It's been a while since I've written down my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities, my deepest fears.  I can't continue ignoring them in any way shape or form..  So I need to write it out.  I need to reconnect with my soul the only way I know how.  That is to write.  My thoughts in my head get so jumbled and yet, when I write it all becomes so clear.  

Luke is now 13 weeks old, and he is thriving! He is so much fun to be with even on his worst days.  He's a happy baby who loves to coo and make OOOOO sounds with you.  He will literally sit and have a conversation with you! He is on special formula because he has a milk protein allergy that was causing him to poop blood, so we are thankful that is fixed and he is doing well on this formula.  He has been sleeping about 8 hours at night, and he is taking less and less naps during the day.  His hair is out of control and every one comments on how blonde and how much there is! He's like a little celebrity.  It's ridiculous! lol.  

I started back to work Monday.  It's not as terrifying as I thought it would be.  But I know once I start coming full time, it is going to be hard.  We feel so blessed that Justin can be home with Luke, for the time being.  Justin is still going to school and doing excellent! He is in Sociology right now and actually really likes it....I would LOATH that class.  I never understood any of  it.  lol. Justin is such a good daddy to Luke.  I couldn't have asked for a better person to love our son.  He is so good with him.  

My health is leveling out.  I still feel the effects of the blood infection and I am still on meds for my blood pressure.  Hopefully that will all go away at my next dr appt.  but we shall see.   My anxiety was through the roof before I came back to work.  I literally had to stop taking my blood pressure because it was constantly high even with the meds.  But work has been awesome.  When I came back Monday, I came back to a raise and a promise of more work and role changes.  I'm super excited about this as I'll feel more productive at work and hopefully the day will go by faster so I can be home with Luke.  I love the place I work and to be honest I don't think I can give it up.   My boss and his wife actually came down to pray with me when Luke was admitted into the NICU.  They are amazing people and treat their employees like family.   Later on down the road if and when Justin gets a paying job that I can stay home, I might.  I would like to, but I think part of me doesn't want to leave the people I work with.  They have been apart of my life for so long, they feel like family as well.  

There are days where I feel like I will come home and Luke won't know me.  There are times when I feel like he won't need me and only need Justin.  I know that day will come, and it hurts me to the core to think about.  When he will want daddy to put him down instead of mommy.  Rolling with the punches.  I'm thankful that Luke has a daddy to want.  I'm thankful that it isn't a stranger that he feels more comfortable with.  I always want my son to feel secure and loved and happy.  It breaks my heart when he's not.  

Adjusting to a new norm is never easy.  Especially when you feel like you haven't had enough time in the norm you were trying to adjust to.  I don't want to be so out of tune with my child that I have no idea what will soothe him.  I know it changes all the time and that scares me.  I know i will probably go through all of this with my second, if we are blessed with a second, as well.  

We moved a few weeks ago into a house in West Covina.  We are finally on our own! woo hoo! We couldn't repay my parents for the love and support they have shown us through letting us stay with them for 16 months.  They were awesome and dealt with our complaining and having 4 adult, 1 baby, and a dog in the house.  We made it without killing each other and we feel so blessed for the opportunity to have lived there.  We love our new place! It's perfect for us and Luke gets his own room! We are renting from a very close family friend who is giving us a killer rate that we couldn't find anywhere for a house.  God is watching out for us left and right.  We are blessed beyond measure.  We are thankful that I have a job to come back to, we are thankful for a home to live it, we are thankful for our benefits so that we can provide Luke with the best medical care out there.  We are living in a world of chaos and its so hard to find the blessings in things I find these days, but there is so much to be thankful for.  So much good still happening in the world.  It's time to look at the bright side of life and stop dwelling and focusing on the bad.  We have a son who is happy and healthy and here.  He made it, through something that he could have died or been seriously impaired from.  So far he is perfect.  We continuously pray that he stays healthy and that the effects from the infection on his brain and spinal fluid are none.  

Hope you all are doing well, we miss those of you who we haven't seen in a while.  Don't be afraid to text or call and let's get together! 

Thankfulness in the darkest of times

As I look back on the last 7 weeks, I don't think I have expressed my gratitude  through any form of writing. It doesn't mean that my gratitude is diminished or isn't official because I haven't written about it, but I want to document just how thankful I am so I can look back and show Luke just how much love there is in our lives.

The day Luke was born, was one of the scariest (because I had no clue what I was doing right down to how to push him out), the most elated, filled day of my life. I fell deeper on love with Justin and most importantly, deeper in love with God. Here is this tiny, but huge (9 lbs 13 oz) baby that just came out of me.... How do I respond to this? You just soak it in. You don't have to have an agenda and get him on a schedule. Just roll with it. 

When we brought him home, a few things didn't feel right inside and I felt terrified. The car ride home was the worst. I thought every bump he was going to wake up, or something aweful was going to happen. It didn't. 

Then that night Luke starts showing signs that there was somethig wrong. He hadn't eaten in a long time, 12 hours, he hadn't had a dirty diaper in a while, he was moaning and he had a fever. So we took him back to the hospital at 2 days old. I know you all know the story.... But what most of you don't know is how scared I was. We thought our beautiful baby boy was surely going to die. I thought to myself, he's dead. For sure. But God's grace and love were poured out onto us so greatly. 

When he was admitted to the nicu, we told ourselves to reach out to our family and friends. We knew we couldn't do this alone, and we didn't have to. That's exactly what we did. From our family, church family, family friends, to my boss, people came to pray. They prayed over us, with us, for us when we didn't have the words to speak ourselves. God knew our hearts. God knew just what we needed. He place those in our life at that moment, and we will forever be grateful. For those of you who came, you have no idea what kind of impact you made. We were so overwhelmed with the feeling of love. Love is something that shows itself in so many forms.  From bringing a meal, to just being there, to writing a card, to a hug. I only hope one day we will be able to show love like others have shown us. 

So here is my unending gratitude. Thank you for the love, prayers, meals, talks, hugs, and real conversations. Thank you for letting us just be and giving us space to sort it all out in our heads. Thank you for holding me while I cried inconsolably, and thank you for loving my family. It means beyond words and I can never repay you. 

This is what being the hands and feet of Jesus truly means. I am huge on that. If you aren't acting on your faith, then what is faith? If you aren't moving you are being stagnant. If you are beig stagnant, you aren't growing. God wants the very best for us. He wants is growing in Him and in ourselves. Beauty comes from that. 

So thank you from the deepest parts of our souls. We love you all and are forever grateful for you. 

Someone I want you to meet..........

So we've had an adventure for the past 3+ weeks.  There is someone whom my heart loves and adores beyond comprehension....his name is Luke Matthew...

He was born on 7/21/14 at 11:38 a.m. weighing in at 9 lbs. 13 oz.  and 22 inches long.  He couldn't be more perfect.  With his very own full head of blonde hair. 

Our story looks like a happy one but little did we know that just less than 15 hours after this picture was taken, our entire world was going to be turned upside down. 

I think I will start off on a happy note and give my birth experience, since it happened first and was pretty awesome.  

My original due date was July 26th, but because I had the gestational diabetes, I was going to need to be induced early, so they scheduled me for 7/23, I know, just 3 days before...lame! But I digress.  I ended up going into Labor and Delivery on the 20th with a dull headache that had lasted me 2 days or so.  It wasn't incredibly painful, like a migraine or anything, but they said if I have a persistent headache that wouldn't go away with Tylenol, to go in.  So I did.  

We arrived around noon and I actually had to wait to be seen because all the triage beds were full, so we waited about 45 min to be seen.  I just about told Justin to forget it because my headache was almost gone and I didn't want to waste the day at the hospital when I was feeling better. Then, they called my name.  So we headed into the room and get all hooked up to the monitor to see how Luke was doing.  They check my blood pressure and it was elevated.  They had tested my urine for protein and it was negative.  ( A sure sign I would have pre-eclampsia, but there was none, so phew!) I was monitored for about an hour and a half and the routine they were doing was a little different this time.  I have been into L&D multiple times for different reasons.  They took blood, which they never do.  I had  a different wrist band on, which they said was just in case I was admitted.  So the Dr comes in, does a cervical check (tells me I'm 3 cm and 100% effaced) and basically tells me that he is concerned and wants to induce me now.  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm sorry, what!?!?!!? 

I literally said that to him, and he asked me if that was okay?  I said.....OK.  I was in shock.  I wasn't prepared and my mind was going 5,000 miles an hour.  I wasn't ready.  I had things to do still.  Like....I don't know what, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to feel empty, to feel nothing inside once he was out.  I wasn't ready for it to not just be Justin and I, not yet.  But ready or not, this was happening.  So by 3 p.m. I was hooked up to Pitocin, had a call in to my mom to bring the rest of the stuff we needed, and we started calling our people.  You know the ones who you want there when this shindig goes down.  So we called Justin's mom, Marianne, and Amy.  My mom was already on her way down.

Here I am, Huge and happy!

  I was pretty determined at that point to labor through as much as I could on my own.  I was doing pretty good, staying on top of the contractions by focusing and breathing through them.  By 10 p.m. the anesthesiologist had come by to talk to me, since I had said I eventually wanted an epidural at some point.  He was pretty good, he talked me into getting one then, instead of at 3 am and I'm so glad he did. The worst part of the epidural was the numbing stuff he first injected so I wouldn't feel anything.  Oh dear Lord, that hurt! I hated the feeling of one of my legs being "dead."  I ended up having an allergic reaction to the epidural so they gave me some benedryl, which helped me sleep for about 3 hours.  My mom, Justin, Cindy, Marianne and Amy were all on rotation all night long.  My room ended up being the sleeping room that they came to crash out in. I felt so loved and so safe with all these people here with me.  I felt like no matter what happened, I had all the people I loved there. It was a very calming feeling.  

The Dr came in, and asked if it was okay to check me and of course I said yes, I was pretty curious to know where I was at.  So at 5 am, she checked me and I was at 5 cm and still 100% effaced.  Holy smokes! So she broke my water, and I thought.....Seriously, this was about to get going.  So at 9 am, she came back and checked me and I was like 9.5/10 cm dilated.  I had one part of my cervix that wasn't dilating like the rest so it created like a lip, so they continued to wait to see if it would fix itself.  The midwife came in at about 10:45 and said that I could start pushing, super casual, on my own, just to get a feel for it.  She showed me how to do it by doing a few pushes with me, and then left for a few minutes.  Justin was counting them out for me and we were doing it.  The midwife came back in and felt to see where his head was, and it was right at my cervix, so she literally stretched my cervix so his head could get around the lip.  Once his head was through it was smooth sailing from there.  I had Justin on my super dead leg and Cindy and my mom were taking turns holding up my other leg.  Because Luke was so big, they needed my hips to open up wide and I couldn't do that on my own with the epidural.  I don't think I would have been able to do it without an epidural on my own.  So here we were Justin counting out my pushes, My mom's holding my legs and 40 something minutes later, out comes this huge, blonde haired little man.

Our midwife, Alicia, catching Luke on his way out!

All I kept thinking through pushing was get him out.  Do whatever you can to get him out.  I was pretty bound and determined to push him through.  I know that I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it if I had not had the epidural.  Have you met me?  I don't do pain very well. I know that I wouldn't have been able to stay on top of the contractions and I would have spiraled out of control.  I just couldn't do that to me or the process.  It wasn't something I wanted to look back on and not even care to do it again because of that. 

I just remember them putting him on my chest and I just started rubbing him.  About 5 minutes after I delivered him, the midwife was encouraging me in a controlled push, to push out the placenta.  Then I had to be stitched up.  She was down there for some time. I still don't know how many I had, as she lost count.  I just felt so relived to have him here and he was healthy, and I just remembered feeling relief.

This was when they put him on me, and I just remember rubbing him.

The next moments were a blur, and I can't really recall what was going on.  The next thing I know I have him in my arms and we are trying to breastfeed.  Which wasn't going to great, but we were trying.  After that, We are being wheeled into what will be our room until we leave.  I feel like it was so long ago, that these days were happening.  I remember walking was not fun, and neither was sitting.  I remember thinking, how bad did I tear! We made it through the day with breastfeeding as much as we could and changing diapers left and right. 

The next morning, I had fed him at 8:30 am and then he had his circumcision at 9:30 am.  He came back and we were being geared up for discharge.  They told me he would sleep a lot and probably not have much of an appetite from it.  OK.  So at 2 p.m. we start to leave and to head home.  Most nerve racking car ride of my life!  

So we are finally home, and he is still not eating.[when everything goes to hell ] By 10 p.m. he still hadn't eaten and I was pretty worried, but then he finally ate at around 11 p.m.  Then he started to cry non stop. The cry soon turned into a moan, and we realized he hadn't had a pee or poop diaper since he ate. He then spiked a temp and I had Justin call Kaiser to talk to them.  They said to immediately bring him in.  So here we are, 5 am, haven't even had him home for 24 hours, and we are heading back to the ER.  They see him right away, and I'm a hot hot mess.  I'm crying, I am so exhausted,  and I have a super hero husband sitting by my side holding my hand the entire time.  

The Dr comes in and starts to assess him.  Mean while he is just as lethargic as can be.  She all of sudden looks at us and says, okay, we are going to run some blood work, do this and that and do a SPINAL TAP.  ummm, I'm sorry, your going to do what to my new born son?  I thought she was just over reacting.  But I said okay.  The techs came in and started poking and prodding our son as he sits there screaming through it all.   I'm sitting there crying my brains out because I can't do anything for him.  I just have to let them do their job.   Then the Pediatric Dr. came down to talk to us, he said they think he has an infection and it is effecting the blood and they still needed to do a spinal tap. He then told us he was going to admit him into the NICU.   I just thought, holy crap, this is super serious.  

We are rolled upstairs and the NICU DR comes and talks to us.  What she is insinuating is what I ask her out loud, Bacterial Meningitis, and she says YES.  My vision turns to tunnel vision and I automatically assume that our son is going to die.  I find out later that Justin was thinking the same exact thing.  I'm thankful that Dr. Mendoza had taken us into a private room, because I all but lost it at that moment.  She was so gracious and stepped out for a moment.  While we soaked it in.  

As the days started to pass, they had done a blood culture on him that first day of being admitted.  They had originally thought it was Group B strep, which I was tested for at 35 weeks and I tested negative.  They couldn't figure out how I had tested negative.  They finally did a second blood culture and both came back Group D, not Group B.  The day he was admitted was a Wed morning.  By the time Friday came, I was exhausted and I wasn't resting.  That late evening, I had woken up from a nap, and started to shake uncontrollably.  I spiked a slight temperature, and I just felt achy.  Justin and my mom brought me in to urgent care at about 5 pm. We were supposed to be heading back to the hospital to see Luke and we were going to be giving him his first bath. But, as the night progressed I became incoherent,  I had a fever of 103, I had a headache the size of the world, and I just didn't feel good.  I was admitted to hospital by 9 pm that night.  After blood work and all that jazz, they determined that I had post partum pre eclampsia, a uterine lining infection and they also did a blood culture on me.  Come to find out I really didn't have Group B, I had group D.  Group D comes from the colon, so there are a ton of risk factors involved.  So let's fast forward.  

My test results for the blood culture come back as Group D. Now this Group D and B are natural floras that are in your body.  The hormones in my body just made the group D flourish and was an infection in my blood.  It then spread to Luke through the birthing process as early as probably when they broke my water.  It went into his blood stream and into his spinal fluid, since the blood barrier is very thin in newborns.  I also had post partum pre-eclampsia.  So they had to start me on magnesium right away.  I had a uterine lining infection and on top of that beyond severe swelling. So....who says pregnancy isn't fun?

Part of Group D strep also, can effect your heart valves, like infect them with it. I was told that I could have lost my life as well with this infection.  My poor husband is a wreck with his wife and son both deathly sick and both in the hospital.  All I could think that first night was that we were missing Luke's first bath.  I felt like we were all spiraling out of control and I couldn't understand why this was happening.  I have never prayed so much in my life to have God heal us both and I just remember pleading with Him for Luke's life. 

It was a hard time for me in the hospital as they wouldn't let me see Luke (who was 20 feet down the hall in the NICU) until they were sure I wasn't contagious and we wouldn't harm each other by what we both had.   Finally, Sunday came around and I was told I could go see my baby.  So Justin cautiously walked me over and I was able to sit with him for a while and hold him.  It didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again, so we went back to the room and I rested.  I was finally discharged on Tuesday and we started a routine of back and forth to the hospital twice a day.  We would go in the morning and come home in the afternoon to rest, to return in the evening until about 10.  These days were getting long, but Luke was improving with each passing day.  His IV's kept blowing out, so at this point, the hardest part was listening to him scream while they would change them out.  I had to be pretty persistent with the nurses to change out his IV's as they would just push the meds and flushes while he was screaming.  He NEVER did that if the line was in right.  Yes, the flush is uncomfortable, but not painful.  Luke is not a fussy baby by any means, so I knew something was wrong with this.  They listened to me and sure enough the line would be out and they would have to find a different spot to hook up the IV.  MOMS: Always trust your gut.

Literally the next week and few days were a blur and I can't believe we are here and we have had him home for a week now.  We are slowly building into a routine here.  He's a slow eater and loves to sleep.  He always falls asleep while we are feeding him, but he eventually gets it all in.  He drinks between 4 and 6 ounces at a time....usually on the lower side of that.  He was up to 6 oz in the NICU. I know...my son is a fatty.  But he is a healthy, beautiful, bright eyed, perfect little fatty.  The nurses in the NICU loved him SO much.  Because of all the hair he had and how blonde it was, he soon became known as Brad Pitt in the NICU.  They even started calling him Brad and some of the nurses didn't even know his real name. lol  They would come over to me and ask and just share how good of a baby he is and what a delight it was to have him there.

The nurses in the NICU are one of a kind.  If you have ever had your babies in the NICU, you may know what I'm talking about.  They are the warmest, most kind hearted men and women, I think, in the field.  Luke received such amazing care from them and the Dr's.  They all worked as a team to save our baby boy's life.  He is alive today because of their quick response and by the grace of God.  We are so blessed to have him with us today.

Parenthood is a whole new world. No one can prepare you for it.  The sleeplessness you encounter along with the headaches from not sleeping.  Sinus infections no longer matter, they become second to everything that is not your baby.  Sleep is something that I think...hey if it happens, great, if not, Luke is happy and healthy.  It's not so hard to get out of bed anymore when your baby is crying.  Luke gives me purpose in life.  I struggled so hard to find that, for years actually.  I prayed and prayed for God to show me my purpose here on this earth and what I was meant to do.  No job has ever been able to satisfy me inside as much as taking care of my son has for the last 7 days.
Yes, its exhausting, no I have no clue what day it is, Yes the smell of formula diapers gags me in a way nothing else can.......but you know what?  I wouldn't trade any of those things for anything else in this life.  I wouldn't want our life to be any different.   So, I'll stick to my coffee, sudafed, and endless days if it means I get to have just one more day on this earth with the two people that matter the most to me......

38 weeks

I realized today that I haven't written in a long while..... Like weeks long while. Eeeeeekkkk! 

Well, I was officially on maternity leave as of 6/30. So a couple weeks now. I'm taking it day by day at this point. Last week we had a dr appointment on Tuesday, and we got some good news that I was 80% effaced and 1.5 cm dialated already! 

Yay!!! We were so excited! As of this past Wednesday, I lost most of my mucus plug. Now, your mucus plug can regenerate itself, so I'm not holding my breath there. At least it is some progress, but I can be here for a while. We also had an ultrasound two Wednesdays ago, and he measured at 8lbs as of 36 weeks and a couple days. It is totally an estimate but he's pretty large so far. We are excited an nervous and just really ready for him to be here.  I'm pretty uncomfortable these days. My blood sugars are a daily battle, and I know as soon as I have him, I hope that my gd will go away.   I know that pregnancy is what as is, but throw gestational diabetes ontop of it, and it has been a really hard struggle for me. It doesn't just effect me, it effects my baby. The ups and downs of the physicalities of high and low blood sugar your body goes through alone is exhausting. Throw being  pregnant on top of it, and your done. I keep hearin your almost there..... Well everyday that he's in there is good, but I am exhausted from it. Thankful we are healthy and we are almost done, but I cant wait to be done. We have another dr appt this next Thursday.  They will do another check to see if I have progressed, let's hope that I have!!!!!

34 weeks and 5 days........

Ladies and Gents, we are getting down to the last leg of our journey.  Thank you for flying this wild ride with Justin and I as we start our descend into delivery and parenthood......


So I had a Dr. appt yesterday.......Let me just fill you in on what happened.  There were so many things.  This was the one appt that Justin didn't go with me to, and I literally felt like my brain was going to explode from all the info! lol.

But first this......

***GD update:   My numbers were doing good for a little bit, but have started to go crazy again.   So I was put on 3.7 mg of Gliburyde instead of 2.5.  I will max out at 5 mg before who know's what they will do.  So we are trying to be diligent and keep it under control.  Kaiser is amazing with their support and being able to talk to someone about it.  So we will see how I do with this new up'd dose.  I'll keep you posted.


So Mr. Luke.  Either he is going to be a huge kid, or I have a ton of amniotic fluid.  I'm measuring at 37 weeks. (So to be clear, it's not how big Luke is measuring, it's how big my uterus is measuring.)  If anyone has encountered this, can you please text me or fb message me on what you experienced! This week I have to start NST tests down at Baldwin Park two times a week to monitor Luke.   A NST test is a non stress test.  The doula who is teaching the birthing class, told me that it is a test to see how much Luke responds with movement to sounds?  So this will be interesting.  I want to do everything in my power to make sure Luke is happy, healthy and safe, but, I feel like life is just getting busier and busier.  So I will have these twice a week NST test's until he comes.

Secondly, as I said above, I'm measuring at 37 weeks.  I have an ultrasound in 2 weeks from today, to have them measure and see how big he is.  Because I'm on the Gliburyde, my Dr. also informed me that I will be induced a week early...... ummmm I'm sorry, what?  So if I don't go into labor on my own a week before my due date, they will induce me.  Apparently, if you are on meds like I am for a condition, they want the baby out a week early.  I wasn't given a straight answer as to why, but I believe they don't want him to get too big.  So we are there at this point, which I am processing and just getting used to the fact that he will be here before we know it.  With the ultra sound in 2 weeks, it will show us how big he is and what to expect. If I understood her right, they might induce even earlier if he is huge.  I'm not sure.  Things are very up in the air.

I'm asking for prayer today.  With my anxiety issues, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this fact.  I know that you have to go with the flow and things change in an instant with labor and delivery.  I just wasn't expecting to be induced and deal with everything that comes with pitocin.   I'm going to thoughtfully seek to be in prayer this week, as I try and process this news.  I know some of you reading this, are like no big deal, but for me it is.  I"m not being dramatic, I"m just processing through some anxiety issues.  I thank you for your prayers this whole time.  I thank you for your love and your support of Justin, myself, and Luke.  We feel deeply all those prayers that have already been prayed over us.

At the moment, I'm not sure if I left anything out of this update.  But I'm just hoping to get a grasp and control over my sugars, try and keep the swelling down (yes I"m swelling everywhere I feel like.  My hands are feeling swollen just typing this!)

We are getting anxious and excited the closer he is to being here.  Our lives are going to change forever and its just crazy to think about.  It kinda boggles my mind! lol

Hope you all are having a great week!

loves, ambs

32 weeks, 4 days...

I'm sorry that I don't have a picture for you guys as of yet! Justin reminded me I needed to take one and then we both forgot! lol.  Let's see.....I'm feeling okay these days.  I am now having to sleep on the couch because I need to sit up and lay on my back.  My hips are just done.  I'm thankful that we have the couch that we do, because it is totally conducive to being able to sleep sitting up.  it's part of our sectional.  It works great! 

We just finished refinishing our glider that we will use to rock Luke and use to feedings and what not.  It came out pretty good! It used to be a dark cherry wood that had a blue and white strip pattern for the pads.  We received it, for free, from our dear friends, The Westerbeeks! It was a huge blessing! They actually had given it to us a while ago, I think right when we were first starting to try for a baby (not knowing what we would have to go through to get there).  We had the pads recovered by the same company that made our crib bedding for Luke, The Baby Guy.  He is awesome! He's down at the OC swap meet and although his prices are a tad high, his quality can't be beat, and it's custom! He made covers that can easily be removed and washed, that was the best part.  All in all we spent over a 100 bucks on the redo, but it was still a lot less than buying a brand new chair.  Here are some pictures of how it came out! 

 It almost looks bluish, but it's all gray! 

 Those pillows are also from The Baby Guy! 

Justin thought it was pretty comfy!

Thanks Justin for working so hard on getting it painted! It came out so great! 

How I'm doing and how Luke is doing:

I'm feeling pretty good.  Every day is different and I always feel a different way.  Luke is moving....A LOT! 

He rolls, kicks, hiccups and LOVES to push off on my hips, digging those cute little feet into my hips.  

He is roughly a little over 3 pounds now, and its a little over 16 inches long! He's getting bigger! This is all according to my baby app on my phone.  We don't have an actual ultra sound until the end of June to find out how big he is and what position he is in. 

Many of you have asked when we are moving, and I really don't have an answer to give.  We have had so many set backs with Justin's situation with workers comp, that we have no clue.  God does, but we just don't.  At the beginning of this month, we were slammed again with bad news.  Justin's workers comp doctor changed his status from temporary disability to permanent.  Which cut his pay from full to a little over a 1/3.  Ouch.  All of our plans were put on hold.  My aunt is amazing and she is being patient with us.  It's giving her the opportunity to do some remodeling on her house while she is waiting for us to be ready to move in.  It's a good situation all around, but we have no clue in the interim what is happening.  We applied for long term disability, as we are not qualified for short term due to workers comp.  We are just waiting to hear from them to see what is going on.  

We know God has a perfect plan.  We know and are trusting that there will be a rainbow at the end of all this.  Luke is the biggest blessing of all out of all of this.   We are just so excited and it is a much needed distraction for when he comes.  Luke means light of God.  I believe that Luke is our little shining light in the midst of the chaos that has been happening in the last year.  His middle name is Matthew, which means gift from God. And oh what a gift he is to us.  God has shown us grace and mercy and favor through this entire situation that was placed before us, almost a year ago.  God is bringing light and blessings through Luke.  

We continue to pray for Luke and his health and that he will be a perfectly healthy little baby.  

Thanks for standing with us and holding us up on this journey.  We are so grateful for you all.  

What is your shining light this week?  Where do you find your blessings? 

Experiencing God in the midst of Chaos...

Do you ever have those moments when you feel an overwhelming feeling of love from our Heavenly Father? 

You know the one where you are either listening to worship music or you are worshiping and emotions fill you of love and it just overwhelming.  You want to shout from the roof tops and tell people what Love really is, Jesus! It is THE best feeling in the world.  

How do you respond to that feeling?  

I get this feeling every now and then. This morning I experienced it at work as I was sipping my morning coffee listening to Selah (if you don't know who they are, you need to!) I was over taken with my love for Jesus and I just wanted everyone to know! Jesus loves you! He is there.  He has you in His hands.  He won't let you fall. 

I find this to be so refreshing despite the season that Justin and I are in.  I can find His love and comfort in the midst of the chaos.  I'm reminded that I am His child and He is mine.   That He is walking right with me every single step of the way.  

My challenge for you today, is how can you find God?  What do you do to search for Him? Have you opened yourself up to receive Him?

We are nothing in this life without Jesus, and I don't know about you, but that is NOT how I want to live this life. I want fulfillment, comfort, peace and unending JOY! I want to be one with my creator.  I want fulfillment that no one or nothing else can give me.  

I wish I had that "feeling" all the time regarding Jesus, but I let life get in the way and stray my focus.

It's time to keep that focus more of a steady in my life.  

Be blessed today my friends and try and find God in the smallest of places even when you feel like He's no where to be found.....He's there.

28 weeks, 7 days

Can you believe that we are almost there.  I literally have 11 weeks to go.  I remember when I was 11 weeks along and it felt like I would forever be pregnant.  The second half of the pregnancy seems to just fly by.  Craziness I tell you.
Things that are happening as of lately:
-I can no longer wear my wedding rings in fear that I won't be able to get them off or worse have to get them cut off!
-I'm starting to feel really low pressure all the time and he loves to snuggle up down low and not use all this floaty space that he has.  Only a couple times a day will he stretch out and wiggle around.
- I'm just not sleeping.  My hip pain has tripled and they are now going numb at night waking me up probably every half an hour to flip over, which is also becoming quite difficult.  lol.  Oh gosh....just your typical preggy stuff.
- I'm noticing Luke is starting to have sleep patterns.  I can tell when he's sleeping or awake.
- I"m getting anxious....I mean really anxious.  I can't wait to meet him and see what life is going to be like.  I just want to hold him.  I know Justin is feeling the same way.  We are just so in love with him already.

My gestational diabetes is going well.  I'm able to keep my blood sugars in check with my diet.  Morning for some reason is the worst where my numbers get all weird and high sometimes.  The rest of the day I'm pretty good.  The Dr. was very pleased with my progress for the first two weeks.  I think timing of when you eat and when you check are huge factors in this game.  I've been a little lax in the morning of testing first thing and I need to get my eating breakfast on time as well.  So far so good though!

Some things that we are going to ask you all for prayer for:

We just found out last Friday, that Justin was put on permanent disability with restrictions.  This means that his pay shoots down to about a little more than 1/3 than what we were getting paid.  This is pretty hard on us right now.  His options are either going back to work, which they are working on finding him a job, or he has to find a different job.  We have no clue now when we will be able to move out of my mom's.  It's all up in the air as of now.  OUR plans of paying our last little bits off are hugely effecting things as well.  We won't have our first month's rent saved, nor can we even afford what our monthly rent would be at this point.  So we are trusting God.  We know He has a perfect plan, and it's definitely no OUR plan but His is so much greater.  When things are up in the air, they aren't secure and that feeling isn't a good one.  I definitely believe that it is all our attitude.   No, our situation isn't ideal, but we are safe and secure and we have that.  It gets a little crazy at times, but we have two people who are loving us and supporting us through this and have been for a while.   They are patient, and loving, and that's all we can ask for.  They are letting us in their space.  We are both giving up our personal space and that is huge.  We are thankful and grateful to my parents for what they have done so far.

Justin is also dealing with some depression issues from all of this workers comp mess.  Pray that God would just over come in his life and speak truth.  I normally wouldn't talk about Justin's personal life on here, but he needs prayer so desperately.  We both do.  We appreciate you all and we love you and feel those prayers.


Here's a picture we took last night at 28 weeks and 6 days.

It's a little hard to see the definition because I'm wearing a lighter shirt, but he is growing.  For sure.  We are so thankful for this little guy.  He just needs to be here already!

Thank you for the prayers, the thoughts and the love you all give.  Thanks for being open to hearing about our journey and walking it with us.  We couldn't do it without you all.   We share, so life is a little more tolerable, not because we like to air out our dirty laundry.  It definitely takes a village.

Fears and Doubts (27 weeks, 6 days)

The closer and closer we get to having Luke, the more and more my insides are freaking out.  What I meant to say is I don't think I'm going to be a good mom.  What I really meant to say, I think I'm going to fail.  Miserably.  Every day.  But before I psych myself out here, let me be real and honest.  After all, this is my blog, my online diary if you will.  All of my fears, doubts and lack of confidence stems from one place and one place only.  The one way down there.....yup The Devil himself.  I even hate to give him credit for that, but I know he's working on me in the worst way by filling my head up with junk.  I know what God says for me is to be true.  That I am loved, that I am His, that I will be the best mom to Luke that I can.  He will give me the strength and He will give me the will to do what I need to do for Luke.  I know I have a great partner through this journey in Justin and I couldn't think of anyone else to do this with.  He is going to be the best daddy ever.  It will be such a proud moment for me to  look over and see my best friend and deepest love holding someone that we made out of our love.  I know cheesy, but it's completely true.  I know it's not going to be easy. It's going to be quite hard actually.  Probably the hardest thing I will have ever done in my life, but it's going to be worth it.  We prayed so hard and diligently for Luke, and I know God wouldn't give him to us if He didn't think we would be fit.  It definitely takes a village.  I'm thankful for the support and love that we have around us.  We have so much to be grateful for.  So I know when those freak outs and doubts in myself, I know that is 100% not from my creator. He believes in me, more than I believe in myself.  He loves me and know's where my heart is. He knows my fears and my heartache, but He is routing in my corner.   I just hope and pray that time isn't wasted in those thoughts and doubts and that I live each moment and soak it in.  It's the little moments, I can't wait for them.

26 weeks! and 6 days....

Where is the time flying to?  I feel like I was just newly pregnant and we were just finding out we were having a baby boy! Holy crap!

I had my Gestational Diabetes class this past Tuesday and it was way better than I expected.  Thank goodness Justin was able to go with me, because there was so much information! Not to mention I was pretty sick when we went, so listening wasn't a strong suit for me at that point.  I learned some invaluable information about how I should be eating and how I can control this with just food and exercise.  It is crazy what and how food effects our bodies.  So far, my sugars have been in control and been pretty good.  Aside from them being super low at the class and i had to wait and eat something to get them back up before they would release me, they have been spot on.  I also haven't been eating sugar.  Like at all.   This is not as hard as I thought it would be.  I know I can't have it, and I know it's not good for me, so I'm not that tempted.  If I want something sweet, like juice or something that Justin has, I'll just have one sip or one bite.  Nothing that will spike my sugars as if I were to eat or drink the whole thing.  It helps keep the cravings down.

The other thing I've been dealing with is being sick.  This wasn't just your average cold.  It started with the flu that turned into a cold that I still currently have.  It has taken all of my energy away from me as I still fight to stay awake.  I just came back to work yesterday from being off since mid day Thursday.  I left on Thursday from not feeling good, and I think this is the hardest I've been hit in years by it.  I spent Easter Sunday in bed all day long.  No bueno.  I still have some congestion in my chest and nose, and this hacking cough that comes and goes, but no fever or chills anymore...Those were the worst.

The closer we come to having Luke here, the crazier life seems to be getting for us.  So many things are up in the air right now.  Justin's job, when he will go back to work, our move (which is now pushed back until August 2, we won't go into that), to just the unknowns of delivery.  We know that we serve a big a mighty God and we are only limiting Him when we worry and we panic.  Well we sure do worry and panic a lot for some reason, even though we know he is ultimately in control.   On the flip side to all of that, I can't wait for Luke to be here.  I just want to feel that wiggly body in my arms and know that he is alright all the time.  I'm anxious to get our family on a new norm.  I'm anxious to know what life is going to be with him, and I know we will totally forget what life was like without him.  It's been 6 years of just Justin and I.  This is a huge game changer.  Something that we can only prepare ourselves so much for.  I'm excited for it.  I welcome it.  Because there is no going back.  We would never choose to ever go back.  So here's to almost 27 weeks.  I know I need to take a picture, I just haven't because I have looked like death for the past week.  lol.

I hope you are all having a great week so far.  What is God challenging you with this week?  What is He facing you with?  How are you responding to Him?  Praying for you all as you are facing whatever it is He has placed before you.  Love you,

Ambs

That ugly thing called...Gestational Diabetes

Yup I have it.  

This past weekend Justin and I got up at the butt crack of dawn (5 a.m.) to head off to the hospital to get my glucose test done and over with.  I was nervous about being hungry, so we opted to go super early as the lab opens at 6 am.  Yes that orange-y, sugary drink at 6 am is HORRIBLE, but ultimately it didn't taste too bad and I was expecting a lot worse.  I was feeling pretty good until about 20 min in and then I got that barf-y feeling and I just had to breathe through it. I didn't want to "fail" by throwing up so I just grinned and bared it.  We got through the test and went to breakfast.  I was feeling super tired all day and even took a ridiculously long nap when we got home.  At 9 am, I had some test results up on my phone.  (KP.org is an awesome site especially when you have the app on your phone) It was the blood test for my platelets and iron levels.  I knew that I was anemic before and have been taking the recommended iron supplement my midwife told me to take.  So I knew I would be hearing from someone about that.  

Sunday comes around and we have a super busy day of church, family Easter and other things.   I had missed a call and there was a vm but it never came through.  As we were at our brother and sister in law's house I had gone to the restroom and checked my email.   I had a message on KP.org.  I thought......ok here it is, moment of truth.  I opened the email, and there it was in black and white, your blood sugar levels are elevated.  You have gestational diabetes.  Just at that moment, Justin came in to check on me and I invited him into the bathroom with me.  I told him what I just read, and he was super supportive.   He told me it was going to be okay and that we would get through this.  If you don't know me, eating is a curse to me.  I have no control, I love food, and it is literally the END OF THE WORLD when I'm told I can't eat something. I emailed my midwife back and told her my concerns and she responded immediately.  She reassured me it is going to be fine and that Luke was going to be fine.  

I'll be raw and honest here.  Even though I know it happens to so many pregnant women and that I couldn't have done anything to change the fact that I have it, I feel like an utter failure. I know, I know.  But hear me out.  When you are supposed provide everything for your child, and you can't control something, it is the worse feeling ever.  I also feel like there is this stamp on bigger (fluffy) women that you look at them and automatically think....wow I bet she has gestational diabetes.  I have been asked, just a few weeks ago, if I had it. I'm thinking no I don't.  But I really do now.  I have known skinny women to get gestational diabetes.  My Dr told me that it is basically the hormones in your body are what make your body have this.  Your body can' t process the sugar causing a build up of it in your blood due to the extra hormones (estrogen).  If left untreated, it can be harmful to you and your baby.  That is where I feel helpless, even though I'm jumping on the band wagon to nip it in the butt.  I can't control that Luke will be getting over amounts of sugar and possible be a bigger baby.  So all those new born clothes Justin I bought, we are taking them back for a bigger size.  

My other fear is I'm going to be afraid of food now.  As soon as I heard that I had gestational diabetes, I thought....I can't eat anything.  Well, the reality is I can't.  Not if it consisted of how I was eating before.  I've had major food diversions this pregnancy.  Meat being one of them. Veggies, not really my thing either.   I've been living off of eggs and cereal oh and throw in the occasional mac and cheese. Those are the only things that were sitting right with me for a long while.  But now, I can't eat 2/3 of those things.  I have to change my mentality.  I can do this.  I only have 3 more months that I'll be pregnant.  You can do anything for 3 months.  Literally.  It's going to take a lot of planning and prepping, but it will be worth it.  

I have so much support that I know I will be successful and fine.  Now I just have to keep that fire under my butt and not give in to temptation! 

23 weeks and 5 days!

Can you believe how fast it is starting to go?  It has been a while, yet again, since I have put up any kind of update. BUT!  I've been up to a thing or two to start getting ready for our baby boy to come.

I want to first talk about some changes with me and then I'll show you what I've been up to.  I've been averaging about 4 days a week at work.  Whether I'm not feeling good with allergies, cold, or just overly exhausted, I just haven't been making it 5 days a week.  Justin and I talked it over and we decided that it was worth me feeling good to go down to 4 days a week.  So, I have Monday's off now and LOVE having a 3 day weekend.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that once Luke is here, so I will just enjoy the time while I have it.  I love being able to spend one more day with Justin.  Since he is still off of work ( I know), I think I will have a hard time once he goes back.  I'm so spoiled to be able to spend so much time with him! I love it!  

About a week and a half ago, I had an accident at work.  I fell on my way back to the office from lunch with the guys.  I was walking to close to the curb and my foot slipped and down I went.  I ended up on all 4's and rolled to my back, (like a ninja, as my coworkers who are all dudes said).  The worst was my knee, I thought it popped out.  It hurt like the dickens and then as I started to get my wits about me to stand, as I was standing, I had a sharp pulling pain in my lower abdomen.  I just doubled over for a few minutes and finally felt like I could walk.  So they got me back to the office and I thought I should just call the nurse hotline ( we have Kaiser Insurance)  to see if I should come in or not.   I sat down and put my knee up ( it was pretty banged up) and they put me through to L and D, and they told me to def come in.  So I spent the afternoon in L and D.  I was quite impressed I must say.  It was a beautiful wing, and they were so kind. They even put ice on my knee for me.  Little Luke was just fine.  I didn't feel him for about 30 minutes after I fell, as I probably jolted him a little and scared him, but he was just fine!

Onto better and less nerve racking things! A couple weeks ago, I got some fabric and I wanted to make burp cloths.  Well, I ended up getting a ton of fabric, and I'm still in the process of making them! I have two different patterns hashed out so far.  I also got the the stuff to finish my mobile for above Luke's crib.  I was all set.  So a few Monday's ago, I started cutting and making the burpies.  Here's a few pictures of how they turned out.  I had to mess around with the shape.  I started with rounded edges and finished with dead square.  I think they turned out pretty good.

Front Side

Back Side

I'm going to be keeping some and selling some.  I didn't realize how many they would actually make! 

.
.
.
.
.
I also wanted to post up pictures of my finished mobile! I did the cut outs by hand and then sewed and stuffed with cotton balls.  I then hung them with white embroidery thread and painted the inside of an embroidery loop.  I was going for simple and cute.  The best part I'd have to say it is cost me no more than $5 bucks. I already had the fabric from the banner I made for above his bed on the wall.  The loop and embroidery thread were super cheap too! 

I still have a few more things that I want to do for his room, but for now I'm pretty happy with how it is all turning out.  We don't have much room to store stuff, and I don't want it to get ruined, so I'm being careful with how much I make.  

Over all, I'm feeling pretty good.  I still don't have a ton of energy.  I have been having an ongoing not feeling comfortable in my own skin type feeling for weeks now.  It makes me just blah.  I don't really want to go out and do much.  Being at home makes me the most comfortable and being in my pj's.  LAME, I know.  I try and walk or do some kind of exercise when I can and have the energy to do so.  Luke is moving and wiggling and he is starting to wake me up in the middle of the night.  It crazy how strong he is. He's so good though.  I only wake up once or twice a night from him.  So I know he is sleeping good at night! I PRAY that will stick when he's here! His mama and daddy like to sleep! Hopefully he will too :-)  I'm starting to feel him higher on my belly, but he still likes to be pretty low.  I don't think he has grasped the fact that he can stretch out.  I love talking to him and sometimes if he's being feisty, he will push or kick my hand where I push on him.  It's really cute.  I can't feel where his body is yet, but I'm sure as he gets bigger, I'll be able to identify that.  We have our monthly check up this Friday and I'll be 24 weeks! Which means......Viability Day! Which means, if he were to, God Forbid, come for any reason, the Dr's would do everything they can for him.  His chance of survival would actually be a chance rather than a non survival rate.  One more milestone to check off the list! 

Hope you all are having a great week! Remember and trust in God's promises and provisions.  He is always good, for every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

Justin and I were talking today about how much heartache we have experienced in waiting on God to have Luke.  How we obediently said okay to God in Him telling us to wait.  I couldn't have pictured our life any different than right now.  Thanks for your support and all your prayers.  We appreciate them and YOU! 

loves and hugs

It's a BOY!

I can't believe I forgot to blog almost 2 weeks ago to let you all know we are having a BOY!
Sorry for the delay! I know most of you are friends with me on FB, so you already know.  I have this blog to basically document everything that is going on.  It was super special, we had our ultrasound at 8:45 in the morning and my parents as well as Justin's mom were able to be there! We also had a surprise guest come in at the end which was super special to me and it was perfect that she was there.  Our dear friend Marianne.

I was the only one allowed in the room while the tech was doing all the babies measurements.  It took about 15 to 20 minutes of getting all the pictures they needed.  He was so squirmy, but she did a great job! Then she went to get the family.  She then started showing them his head, arms, legs, and all that good stuff.  She then asked if we were ready! She showed us his "goods" and sure enough, it was a boy! He was not shy!
We had already had a name picked out, and it was so special to be able to call him something, not just the baby.  His name will be Luke Matthew Gerhart.  We all were just so excited! I had forgotten to ask what he was measuring, so at our appt this week (almost 2 weeks later), my midwife had said he was measuring 19 weeks 2 days instead of 18 weeks 6 days.  So we will see if this progression goes further and he is going to be a big boy.

18 weeks 6 days

At my Dr. appt this week(20w/6d), everything went really good.  I've only gained 8 lbs at this point which is so good because of where I was at weight wise to start.  They seem to be really pleased with where I'm at.  All in all, everything is great!

My back is the only thing that is really bothering me at all.   I went to the Chiropractor yesterday and he said from here on out, it is probably going to get worse because of all the movement and changes.  He said just to keep coming in and getting adjusted.  I am currently sitting with a heating pad on my lower back at work, which helping immensely!  He even commented on how well I'm doing with everything.

Luke is kicking up a storm! Usually every other day he is super active and then the other days he is somewhat active but more calm and resting.  Today is a super active day! We can't wait for him to get here and hold him and touch his face.  He is our little miracle baby.

Thanks again for being on this journey with us!

19 weeks 5 days

I can't believe I am almost half way through this pregnancy.  I will say again, pregnancy is not for the feint of heart.  Some have easy breezy experiences, others have okay experiences (which is where i am), and others just have a rough go at it. For week 19 I found myself going to Disneyland with the Hawkins clan.  We packed up the kiddos and headed for the magical kingdom.  I don't have any pictures because I didn't bring my phone in with me.  I wanted to be present and not be tempted to be on my phone.  I really need to invest in a good camera so I don't have the excuse of...I need my phone to take pictures with.  The kids did really well and I think I pooped out before the kids did.  I started getting a pretty bad headache around 5 pm that kept getting worse.  I also was having horrible deep sinus issues.  I remember having Justin pressing on my forehead while we were in line getting everyone ice cream while everyone else found a spot to watch the parade.  I was just done.   I'm sorry family for complaining! I digress....the kids had so much fun which is what we were aiming for.  They did have a lot of the rides down for maintenance.  I guess that's a thing in the winter, which makes sense.  We had a really nice lunch in DT Disney and then ate dinner in the park.
I ended up staying home from work on Tuesday as I woke up with that same darn headache.  I think I was just over exhausted as well.  This body hasn't done that much walking in one day in a LONG time.  lol.  It was good for me though.


I had Justin take a photo of my belly before we left for Disneyland and this is it:

 19 Weeks 3 days

I don't know about you, but I think I look smaller than last week.  Not sure why or what happened.  Could be the angle.  Let me show you 18 weeks again: 

18 weeks ? days 

Oh wait I do know why.  Above picture was taken in the morning.  18 week picture was taken at night.  That makes sense now.  lol.  

How am I feeling?  

I'm feeling good overall. Still pretty tired.  I am having more round ligament pain as well as shooting pain in that area even at rest.  I can feel Luke moving around way more and I can feel when he kicks me in the front.  I still can't feel when he kicks into me (towards my back).  I'm sure that will come soon enough.  Justin is anxious to feel Luke kick from the outside.  I've only experienced one kick so far that was hard enough to be able to maybe feel from the outside.  I have a pretty thick layer of fat covering my belly. (Just being real) 

I know that will come soon enough.  I love being able to feel Luke all the time as it reminds me I'm never alone. I know God is always with me, but I have a little human attached to me at all times! 

Hope you all are having a great week! 

Much Love! 

The Joy of July

I'm not sure if I have talked about what our due date means to me or not.  July is a hard month for my mom and dad as July is the birth month of their second child, Kelly Leigh Hawkins.  She unfortunately went to be with the Lord, 2 short months later.  Since she was born, 4 years prior to me being born, I don't really know how I feel about.  I wasn't affected the way my parents were.  What I do know, is how I have seen my mom mourn after her child, who was meant to be an angel, over the past 29 years I have been alive.  We as Christians can ask why, but we never fully understand why these things happen, but we know that we trust a very loving, trust worthy, adoring God.  I pray I will never know what it is to loose a child, but only God knows if that is our reality or not. God definitely does give and He does take away.  In this case, my parents got me, 4 years later, after what God took away from my mom and dad.  A very long, hard road was had, for me to be able to say I was born.  But, God restored their hearts and filled it again, with another baby girl.  Me.  

I think of the role we have in being parents and I am merely here to watch over and take care of God's child.  He chose Justin and I to be their parents and to nurture them.  I guess He thought we could do it.  

As I think about July, I feel like it is so fitting that we are having our very first baby that month.  Why?  the list is so long.  First of all, I never realized how special I was to my mom and dad, until I became a mom.  When you loose something you can't replace, and then try so hard to do it again. I get it now.  I was changed through Christ in my later 20's, but me growing up, was such a challenge for my parents.  I was a tough kid.  I have put my parents through so much heartache and I just get it now.  God has restored our relationship and my faith.  But I think how fitting that Kelly was born in July and we have a baby coming in July.   It overwhelms my heart and soul thinking about it really.   I feel like I will be able to deliver Joy in July for my parents and that warms my heart.  It's such a beautiful thing in the restoration process with my parents, for me anyway.   I'm not sure if mom and dad have really thought about it at all or not.  Since my mom reads this blog, I hope you find comfort, mom. Kelly will be watching down and celebrating when our little one comes into this world.  

So how does July effect me?  Deeply.  I now know what it is like for my mom every July.  Not because I have experienced it, but because I feel deeply for my mom's motherly heart.  I pray that from 2014 and on, July will not only be a month of loss but also Joy.  Great and deep Joy.  

18 weeks 3 days

So yesterday after church, Justin and I were sitting in the front office alone.  Justin was doing money stuff for his men's retreat coming up and I was just hanging out.  I ended up seeing some candy in there, and I stole a piece of chocolate. ;-)  As I'm sitting there pretty still, I felt a little kick on the right side of my lower abdomen.  I couldn't believe it! I immediately told Justin and he was pretty excited too.  He can't wait to feel the baby kick from the outside.  God knew how much I needed to feel that, as I was just feeling very out of sorts with not feeling the baby the last couple days.  It was perfect timing.  I also had a very first project that I made for baby G.  I made a flag banner to decorate the nursery with.  This said banner will also help us announce on Thursday what baby G will be, a guy or a gal.  We are just elated with joy and just can't wait to find out everything we can about our little baby.  Here is a picture of the banner I sewed, from scratch! It was so easy, just a little time consuming.  I think I could crank one out in an afternoon.  No, these colors are not gender specific.  The base colors of the nursery are gray and aqua.  We will pop different colors according to the gender of the baby.  

These are the 4 different fabrics I used

Sorry this is kind of fuzzy, but you get the gist of it. 

Also, here is my 18 weeks and 2 days picture.  I'm going to try and post a picture up every week so I can follow the progress of how baby is growing.  After Justin takes my picture he asks, "did you push out?" (crickets) Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, i'm sucking in! Oh how I love him.  I know he meant nothing by it, but I found it particularly funny.  (Excuse the pj's)

Thats all for now! I can't wait to share with you all on Thursday! 

Have a happy week!

17 weeks 6 days

I seem to not be able to find the time to weekly blog these days on my progression of the baby belly! It seems somewhere around week something or other the weeks have been flying by.  

On to what's important.  

This past week I have actually really popped out all of a sudden.  Here are some pictures from week 16 to week 17.  CRAZINESS I tell you! 

Week 16

Week 17

In week 16 you can still see my rolly polly tummy, but in week 17 it has smoothed out quite a bit! 

I've been feeling a lot better.  Still have major hip pain and the exhaustion is still there, but hey! I'm making a human! No more nausea except for when I'm in bed and I lay on my back for a few minutes, it's weird! 

The baby is the size of an onion this week and weighs a little less than 6 oz.  So tiny! 

Next week, Thursday, we have our anatomy scan which will determine gender! I cannot wait.  I'm beyond excited and it seriously can't get here faster.  This whole process is just surreal to me.  Sometimes I think it's weird that I'm pregnant, and the only reason I say that is because as much as I wanted kids, there was something deep down inside of me that thought that I wouldn't be able to have them naturally.  (welcome to my crazy place in my head).  

Poor Justin isn't getting very good sleep along with me these days.  I toss and turn constantly all night long due to the hip pain I have.  And I won't mention having to get up and pee all the time.  Nothing new and nothing no one has ever not gone through.   It's just part of the initiation process! 

I've been craving strawberries like no body's business lately.  I think we might clean out Costco of all of theirs! 

I don't have very much more to go on right now.  On Saturday, Justin and I will be celebrating Valentine's Day by going to the  aquarium and having lunch down there.   I'm really looking forward to that.  We haven't done anything fun like that, just the two of us, in a long time. 

Until next time, what do you guys think we are going to have?????