So yesterdays work out was really good! Justin was with me the entire time and he did really well too! We did this new machine to both of us and it was a cross between an elliptical and a stair master. It was really bouncy too. Justin loved it and got such a good work out from it with his ankle. I liked it...but I totally felt like a gazelle! lol. We did that for 20 minutes then moved on to the stationary bike. The gym was PACKED! and that was def not my first choice. So we got on it and did 15 minutes on that. Then we went to the sauna. That felt great to stretch and just sweat it out. Over all, I think it was a great first day to the gym! We will go back on Thursday before we go to Life Group. I feel hopeful and positive that I can and will make this apart of my life.
The heavy stuff for today is something that has been weighing on my heart lately. I feel like I'm talking and talking and talking to God all the time. But I'm not listening. I feel so desperate right now to hear from Him. Anything. I've learned that when God is quiet, He is doing things. Things that you have no clue about. Things that might mold you and bring you closer to Him. I struggle daily to find my quiet time with God. Getting up at 5 am doesn't really sound that great. I'm a person who needs their sleep. But that, in all honesty, is an excuse. I am the QUEEN of excuses. I have one for EVERYTHING. But lately, I've been trying to focus on not having an excuse for things that I would normally come up with one. I'm focusing on owning myself and my choices. Just putting on the big girl pants. There is something very freeing about doing this. I want to have such a deep, emotional relationship with God that nothing can keep me away from Him. I long for that relationship to be full and overwhelmed with love.
I want to hear God speak to my heart. I know He is always with me, but I want to feel His Spirit with me. I know what He feels like. I have felt the fullness of His love before. I just need to be quiet and listen. I struggle with my place in this world. I struggle with what my purpose is and what my God given gift is. I struggle with not making a difference and how to do so. I struggle with reaching out to people in fear of rejection. I'm loud and opinionated, and I know some people can't take that. But, it's who I am. Sometimes I look at the cup half empty, but more times I look at the glass half full hopefully. My ugliness inside is pretty ugly. I deal with things, no one even knows about. I feel hopeless so often. But then I remember that I have a God who loves me and knows me and those ugly things inside of me. At first I feel ashamed and then I feel unconditionally loved. It's okay to have the ugliness there, as long as you keep looking and fixing your eyes on the one who made you. He made you perfectly, wholly, and in HIS image. He knew me by name before I was even a thought in my mom's womb.
I am Loved. I am embraced. I am a daughter of the One True King.
Amber quesadilla - you are capable and strong and God knows how much you can take, just breath and take it a day at a time. Accept yourself with grace and love, let go of your timeline and ideals, let God do and speak. You can do this and rock your life! Kill the negative crap in your head - we are all 'ugly' at times, but love casts all of that out :) Proud of you amazing sister of mine
ReplyDeleteI'm at the same place spiritually...and I make the same excuse you do when it comes to waking up early to have quiet time with the Lord. Everybody's gotta find their way of doing things! Maybe do your daily devotional during your lunch hour, or in the mornings before work....everybody is different and you gotta figure out what works for you. You'll figure it out my friend :) Love you!
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