The Joy of July

I'm not sure if I have talked about what our due date means to me or not.  July is a hard month for my mom and dad as July is the birth month of their second child, Kelly Leigh Hawkins.  She unfortunately went to be with the Lord, 2 short months later.  Since she was born, 4 years prior to me being born, I don't really know how I feel about.  I wasn't affected the way my parents were.  What I do know, is how I have seen my mom mourn after her child, who was meant to be an angel, over the past 29 years I have been alive.  We as Christians can ask why, but we never fully understand why these things happen, but we know that we trust a very loving, trust worthy, adoring God.  I pray I will never know what it is to loose a child, but only God knows if that is our reality or not. God definitely does give and He does take away.  In this case, my parents got me, 4 years later, after what God took away from my mom and dad.  A very long, hard road was had, for me to be able to say I was born.  But, God restored their hearts and filled it again, with another baby girl.  Me.  

I think of the role we have in being parents and I am merely here to watch over and take care of God's child.  He chose Justin and I to be their parents and to nurture them.  I guess He thought we could do it.  

As I think about July, I feel like it is so fitting that we are having our very first baby that month.  Why?  the list is so long.  First of all, I never realized how special I was to my mom and dad, until I became a mom.  When you loose something you can't replace, and then try so hard to do it again. I get it now.  I was changed through Christ in my later 20's, but me growing up, was such a challenge for my parents.  I was a tough kid.  I have put my parents through so much heartache and I just get it now.  God has restored our relationship and my faith.  But I think how fitting that Kelly was born in July and we have a baby coming in July.   It overwhelms my heart and soul thinking about it really.   I feel like I will be able to deliver Joy in July for my parents and that warms my heart.  It's such a beautiful thing in the restoration process with my parents, for me anyway.   I'm not sure if mom and dad have really thought about it at all or not.  Since my mom reads this blog, I hope you find comfort, mom. Kelly will be watching down and celebrating when our little one comes into this world.  

So how does July effect me?  Deeply.  I now know what it is like for my mom every July.  Not because I have experienced it, but because I feel deeply for my mom's motherly heart.  I pray that from 2014 and on, July will not only be a month of loss but also Joy.  Great and deep Joy.  

Yesterday's work out and Heavy stuff....

So yesterdays work out was really good! Justin was with me the entire time and he did really well too! We did this new machine to both of us and it was a cross between an elliptical and a stair master.  It was really bouncy too.  Justin loved it and got such a good work out from it with his ankle.  I liked it...but I totally felt like a gazelle! lol.  We did that for 20 minutes then moved on to the stationary bike.  The gym was PACKED! and that was def not my first choice.  So we got on it and did 15 minutes on that.  Then we went to the sauna.  That felt great to stretch and just sweat it out.  Over all, I think it was a great first day to the gym! We will go back on Thursday before we go to Life Group.  I feel hopeful and positive that I can and will make this apart of my life.  

The heavy stuff for today is something that has been weighing on my heart lately.  I feel like I'm talking and talking and talking to God all the time.  But I'm not listening.  I feel so desperate right now to hear from Him. Anything.  I've learned that when God is quiet, He is doing things. Things that you have no clue about. Things that might mold you and bring you closer to Him.  I struggle daily to find my quiet time with God.  Getting up at 5 am doesn't really sound that great.  I'm a person who needs their sleep.  But that, in all honesty, is an excuse.  I am the QUEEN of excuses.  I have one for EVERYTHING.  But lately, I've been trying to focus on not having an excuse for things that I would normally come up with one.  I'm focusing on owning myself and my choices.  Just putting on the big girl pants.  There is something very freeing about doing this.   I want to have such a deep, emotional relationship with God that nothing can keep me away from Him.  I long for that relationship to be full and overwhelmed with love.  

I want to hear God speak to my heart.  I know He is always with me, but I want to feel His Spirit with me.  I know what He feels like.  I have felt the fullness of His love before.  I just need to be quiet and listen.  I struggle with my place in this world.  I struggle with what my purpose is and what my God given gift is.  I struggle with not making a difference and how to do so. I struggle with reaching out to people in fear of rejection.  I'm loud and opinionated, and I know some people can't take that.  But, it's who I am. Sometimes I look at the cup half empty, but more times I look at the glass half full hopefully.  My ugliness inside is pretty ugly.  I deal with things, no one even knows about.  I feel hopeless so often.  But then I remember that I have a God who loves me and knows me and those ugly things inside of me.  At first I feel ashamed and then I feel unconditionally loved.  It's okay to have the ugliness there, as long as you keep looking and fixing your eyes on the one who made you.  He made you perfectly, wholly, and in HIS image.  He knew me by name before I was even a thought in my mom's womb. 

I am Loved. I am embraced.  I am a daughter of the One True King.   

Trust. Faith. Promise.

Today I write with a heavy heart.  No we haven't heard any news, but I also feel very heavy today.  I write because it's therapy for me.  I write to feel  like I can put it out there without feeling like I am burdening someone else with my problems.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  I write to put my heart on my sleeve.  I write....because I love to.  

I want to TRUST God.  I want to be able to say that I, with reckless abandoned, TRUST God 110%. But the truth of the matter is, I don't.  And It's not that God is not trust worthy, and it's not like He has EVER done anything to loose my trust.  I, as a human being, feel like I can't trust in God's promises.  Being a Christian is so hard.  Walking and trusting and believing blindly, is a hard impossible thing to do.  It's like if I were to drive a car while being blind, it is IMPOSSIBLE! I would crash and die.  

Looking to the One who is our Healer, our Leader, the Lover of our soul is so hard when things get so hard.  Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed.  Some days I want to just throw my hands up and scream.  Some days, I want to just give up.  I think about what Trust really is and what is really means.  It's within me.  It's how I choose to live my life according to what the Bible says.  I choose to Trust in those words.  I choose to Love God. And I Fail on all those every. single. day.  I know He will always be there without fail.  He is omnipresent.  It's my lack of Faith in him to trust Him.  

That is pretty heavy.  

That is not something any Christian wants to openly admit.  But in all honesty?  Its real.  

Being a Christian means to constantly find connection with our maker.  To openly cry out for help when your storm is raging.  To TRUST, that God will pull you through and you won't sink.  I want to have that Trust.  I try to seek Him everyday.  To Trust Him more and more everyday.  But there will be days when I just can't. And that is okay.  God loves me for who I am.  I am a Sinner. I am human.  I'm super lame sometimes.  I will always go back.  I will always seek him.  

God PROMISES to never leave us.  He has so many wonderful promises that reassure me everyday.  In my human nature, I want to push away and not believe those promises.  The enemy wants us to not believe them.  He wants us so far away from Trusting God, that we push away.  I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.  

I want to be so in love with God, that my soul yearns for Him.  I want to be moved by God.  He is everything.  He's all I want, all I need, and that, is ENOUGH. 

We are in the midst of a pretty heavy, rocky storm.  There are so many elements being thrown into our storm, that I feel like the sun will never rise.  But I am going to CHOOSE to trust God in bringing us through them.  I am going to CHOOSE to have that Faith like a child to be able to see clearly what God wants for our lives.  He is the maker, healer, provider for all of our needs.  I choose to love Him with reckless abandoned.  He is my everything.  He is my God.  He is my HOPE.

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Uphill Battle....

So..It's been a few weeks, I think since my last post. There's been alot going on with me health wise, and I'm still in the small uphill battle with it, but I'm almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

For the past 2 years, I've been struggling with Choric Sinusitis.  It started as acute and went to Chronic.  This has meant countless headaches and migranes, pain to the touch in my face, being overly tired from my body trying to fight it, countless amount of anti-biotics and major pain meds to cope with the headaches.  I recently was FINALLY referred to an ENT.  This next week I will go on a steroid to see if it will help my sinus lining reduce down.  It is thickened and causing some of the stress.   Hopefully that will work. 

My other problem I am currently dealing with is Anxiety.  I just went to the doctor yesterday and I was having a random anxiety attack, and it completely affected my blood pressure.  They couldn't get a good reading on it, due to it.  I am taking all the necessary steps to help myself control it.  I have group classes, and I will be seeing a counselor.  I'm starting to feel better as time goes on, now that I'm aware of what the problem really is, i'm finding that I can breathe through it a little better.  I have NO CLUE as to what set this off.  It's progressively gotten worse over the last while, so I feel like there is some end in sight. 

I started reading a book called, "Lord, change my attitude before it's too late."  I got it from my sister in law Jenn, who is going through the bible study part of the book with her women's group.  It looked interesting, since I'm  really struggling with my attitude lately, so I bought it.  Boy have I already gotten so much out of it! I'm in love with this book.  The author, who is also a pastor, puts thing into the clearest perspective.  I feel like this book was written just for me! (which is so not true) or maybe it was.  God is so amazing, I'm finding just how real God is, and just how much He HATES complaining which is something I do VERY well.  I have always thought myself to be a God fearing woman, but I really wasn't.  Now I am.   I am more in love with God now than I ever have been.  I want to please Him, not disappoint Him by my bad choices or my bad attitude.  I want to be thanful for everything I have from Him, not complain about every little thing. 

Today I am so thankful for friends and family,, who has steadily supported me through this process.  It is wasn't for you, I wouldn't have thet strength to do it.  I thankful that our God is a God of healing, and LOVE!