Today I'm feeling really calm.  Feeling anxious, but I feel pretty good.  I'm having some concerns that I didn't ovulate.  My concern comes from the fact that I guess I've never really ovulated, or haven't in a very long time.  I asked my Dr. yesterday what it would feel like, and she said cramping and/or sharp pains where my ovaries are.  I haven't felt any of that.  I have had slight "twinges" of pain here and there off and on, but nothing like cramping.  A really good thing that happened yesterday was Justin's counts were really LOW, and yesterday they tested his sample and before they washed and separated, his over all good count was at 80%! WHAT! seriously! Then she said after she washed it, it was at 90% HOLY COW! Thank you Jesus!

Now we just wait.  I'm due for my period in 8 days, and i can't test until the 26th.  I'm slightly confused.   I'm just going to wait it out.  I feel like if i start my period wouldn't that be an indicator that it didn't take?  Obviously!  So maybe the clomid  will make my cycle longer...HOLY COW i'm glad I'm not a Dr.  I just don't understand.  It's all so wonky!

From here on out, If it's positive...GREAT! If it's negative, OKAY we start this process all over again. And I will be talking to them about the fact that I didn't think that I ovulated.  At least not yet.


We are putting our trust in Him, and even though it's not easy to do, I find that it's a much safer place to be than to put my trust in myself or my body.  Not until recently have I found that peaceful place where God really does have this.  It is HIS perfect plan what happens in our lives.  Having faith like a child is so hard when the world around us is so ugly.  The enemy is around every corner just waiting for us to fall flat on our face and take advantage.  We are putting our TRUST in Him and I feel such comfort in that.  I feel safe, knowing that our lives are in the hands of the one who created us.


Thank you for you ongoing prayers and support, we love you all.  We appreciate you coming along side of us and being our support.  Things like this are never easy, but when you have so many amazing people loving you and praying to an Almighty God who can move a mountain and make a blind person see, we feel like anything is possible.  God is good and I know we are resting in his palms.  

Trust. Faith. Promise.

Today I write with a heavy heart.  No we haven't heard any news, but I also feel very heavy today.  I write because it's therapy for me.  I write to feel  like I can put it out there without feeling like I am burdening someone else with my problems.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  I write to put my heart on my sleeve.  I write....because I love to.  

I want to TRUST God.  I want to be able to say that I, with reckless abandoned, TRUST God 110%. But the truth of the matter is, I don't.  And It's not that God is not trust worthy, and it's not like He has EVER done anything to loose my trust.  I, as a human being, feel like I can't trust in God's promises.  Being a Christian is so hard.  Walking and trusting and believing blindly, is a hard impossible thing to do.  It's like if I were to drive a car while being blind, it is IMPOSSIBLE! I would crash and die.  

Looking to the One who is our Healer, our Leader, the Lover of our soul is so hard when things get so hard.  Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed.  Some days I want to just throw my hands up and scream.  Some days, I want to just give up.  I think about what Trust really is and what is really means.  It's within me.  It's how I choose to live my life according to what the Bible says.  I choose to Trust in those words.  I choose to Love God. And I Fail on all those every. single. day.  I know He will always be there without fail.  He is omnipresent.  It's my lack of Faith in him to trust Him.  

That is pretty heavy.  

That is not something any Christian wants to openly admit.  But in all honesty?  Its real.  

Being a Christian means to constantly find connection with our maker.  To openly cry out for help when your storm is raging.  To TRUST, that God will pull you through and you won't sink.  I want to have that Trust.  I try to seek Him everyday.  To Trust Him more and more everyday.  But there will be days when I just can't. And that is okay.  God loves me for who I am.  I am a Sinner. I am human.  I'm super lame sometimes.  I will always go back.  I will always seek him.  

God PROMISES to never leave us.  He has so many wonderful promises that reassure me everyday.  In my human nature, I want to push away and not believe those promises.  The enemy wants us to not believe them.  He wants us so far away from Trusting God, that we push away.  I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.  

I want to be so in love with God, that my soul yearns for Him.  I want to be moved by God.  He is everything.  He's all I want, all I need, and that, is ENOUGH. 

We are in the midst of a pretty heavy, rocky storm.  There are so many elements being thrown into our storm, that I feel like the sun will never rise.  But I am going to CHOOSE to trust God in bringing us through them.  I am going to CHOOSE to have that Faith like a child to be able to see clearly what God wants for our lives.  He is the maker, healer, provider for all of our needs.  I choose to love Him with reckless abandoned.  He is my everything.  He is my God.  He is my HOPE.

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Letting GO.....

BEWARE

......Flat out truths about myself are to be exposed.........

Today I was sitting at my desk.... reading a friends blog who recently (like today) was featured on a blog as a guest, and I realized how much control I try to have over things I really shouldn't worry about and get upset and sick over.  I realize that there are a couple factors that go into this.

1.  My attitude...  A few years ago, my lovely mother-in-law gave us this amazing paper on attitude.  It's so true.  I just get so lazy and exhausted of life, that my attitude goes out the window.  I have so much room to improve my attitude, that I really need to start living the way God wants me to and be who He created me to be.

2.  Let Go, and Let God...I will admit that I have put no time in towards devotions, prayer time, and talking    to God about my worries and fears.   I have no real trust in my Heavenly Father, because I haven't worked at building that relationship to a solid foundation.  This is where I have always lacked due to      not having a solid relationship with God growing up.  Letting go and letting God, this is very difficult for me to do.  I know how easy it is, but it seems so hard.  I want this in my life, I just need to stop and take the time.  Life is crazy, but not crazy enough for God.  

3.  Talking more with my husband.... Once again my attitude gets in the way.  Being tired, at the end of the day I just want to sit in peace and be.  Not only do we just sit around and eat dinner but we just watch TV and then the important stuff comes up at bedtime, when we are exhausted, and then a fight pursues because we are SOOOOO tired.  One way we have started working on this....is WALKING! We accomplish so much more, and we can walk and talk it out.  BUT!  We don't do it often enough....  


I have such an amazing life, and am given such amazing opportunities, I just weight myself down with my own worries and own insecurities. 


So I need a MAJOR attitude adjustment.  My outlook on life, my emotions towards my job, my husband, my home life, how I live my life, how I serve my GOD, how I TRUST my GOD.

Important
***Please don't get the wrong impression of me... I love God, I love my husband. There are just things in my life I feel I need to be real about in order to work on them.  There are many aspects of my life that need work.  I want to go to heaven and be told " Well done my good and faithful servant," by the One who I serve.***