Trust. Faith. Promise.

Today I write with a heavy heart.  No we haven't heard any news, but I also feel very heavy today.  I write because it's therapy for me.  I write to feel  like I can put it out there without feeling like I am burdening someone else with my problems.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  I write to put my heart on my sleeve.  I write....because I love to.  

I want to TRUST God.  I want to be able to say that I, with reckless abandoned, TRUST God 110%. But the truth of the matter is, I don't.  And It's not that God is not trust worthy, and it's not like He has EVER done anything to loose my trust.  I, as a human being, feel like I can't trust in God's promises.  Being a Christian is so hard.  Walking and trusting and believing blindly, is a hard impossible thing to do.  It's like if I were to drive a car while being blind, it is IMPOSSIBLE! I would crash and die.  

Looking to the One who is our Healer, our Leader, the Lover of our soul is so hard when things get so hard.  Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed.  Some days I want to just throw my hands up and scream.  Some days, I want to just give up.  I think about what Trust really is and what is really means.  It's within me.  It's how I choose to live my life according to what the Bible says.  I choose to Trust in those words.  I choose to Love God. And I Fail on all those every. single. day.  I know He will always be there without fail.  He is omnipresent.  It's my lack of Faith in him to trust Him.  

That is pretty heavy.  

That is not something any Christian wants to openly admit.  But in all honesty?  Its real.  

Being a Christian means to constantly find connection with our maker.  To openly cry out for help when your storm is raging.  To TRUST, that God will pull you through and you won't sink.  I want to have that Trust.  I try to seek Him everyday.  To Trust Him more and more everyday.  But there will be days when I just can't. And that is okay.  God loves me for who I am.  I am a Sinner. I am human.  I'm super lame sometimes.  I will always go back.  I will always seek him.  

God PROMISES to never leave us.  He has so many wonderful promises that reassure me everyday.  In my human nature, I want to push away and not believe those promises.  The enemy wants us to not believe them.  He wants us so far away from Trusting God, that we push away.  I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.  

I want to be so in love with God, that my soul yearns for Him.  I want to be moved by God.  He is everything.  He's all I want, all I need, and that, is ENOUGH. 

We are in the midst of a pretty heavy, rocky storm.  There are so many elements being thrown into our storm, that I feel like the sun will never rise.  But I am going to CHOOSE to trust God in bringing us through them.  I am going to CHOOSE to have that Faith like a child to be able to see clearly what God wants for our lives.  He is the maker, healer, provider for all of our needs.  I choose to love Him with reckless abandoned.  He is my everything.  He is my God.  He is my HOPE.

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Belize

As many of you know, me and the hubs are heading out on a Mission's Trip on the 11th of February! We are so very excited and cannot wait to share this experience together.  I have to say though, my heart is a little heavy going into it.  I know we are not going into the most impoverishment part of Africa or India, but I think I'm still not prepared for what I will experience there.  Knowing the fact that I have never been anywhere besides Canada and Ensenada, Mexico (Honeymoon).   My mom went on this exact trip last year, and I know she came back a different person from it.  I'm just not prepared for poverty and the bad things that come along with that.  I'm actually not sure what to expect.  Despite everything, I know i have a soft heart and a tendency to get emotional over the smallest stuff.

I guess my prayer is that God will use me somehow while we are there.  I think it's safe to say that I need to be stretched in my faith and I really need to be jarred back to God.  Lately I have felt so distant from Him and that is my own fault.  God is always there.  He never leaves US.  Me not feeling connected with Him, lacks alot of things that I have always struggled with in my walk with my Father.   I feel that way about my relationships as well.  I fall short when it comes to being a good friend, wife, daughter.  I'm not sure what it is that holds me back and makes me bottle up.   I definitely have hobbit tenancies.   If that makes any sense.

This is what I think of when I think Jungle...

..But, I'm pretty sure that will be much different! I will post pictures when we get back of what we saw!

We are also going here, On our day of excursions!

Yup, we get to go see Mayan ruins. I am actually stoked about that part! And then we will kayak down a river! How cool! I just hope i'm in good enough shape for this! ugh! slacking......

I know this will be an amazing experience that will fly by too fast.  Being out of the country alone, makes me nervous.  But, I know this is where God wants me.  I want Him to guide my life, not me guiding my life.   It's hard getting caught up in the day to day monotonousness mess of life.  It becomes this pattern that you can't break free from.  I pray that I spend more time with Him, and more time reading His word.