Emotions

I've been a little MIA, or what feels like I have.  Okay, it's been 6 days since my last post, but I feel like lately, time has been going so slowly.  Sunday was a turning point in how I have been feeling.  Sunday, was a.....I don't know what happened, I just got blind sided day of emotions.  I think I've been pretty strong through this process, trying not to complain because I don't want to, and keeping it together as much as I can.  I feel I have been trying to be self aware of my emotional roller coaster, caused by the meds I'm on, under control.  But Sunday, I just lost every part of my emotional control.  It started while I was getting ready for church in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, and I had my Kari Jobe Radio on on Pandora and I was just loving the morning.  Then my brain started to work.  I started thinking some things which are pretty private but relevant and close to my heart, so I won't go into detail, but totally unrelated to anything pregnancy.  I just started crying......and not just like a tear. Like I'm turning red from lack of oxygen, my eyes are going blood shot and straight up UGLY crying.  I was inconsolable.  I finally got it together and we got to church early and I was feeling great! After Justin had a meeting with his friend for Men's Group, we went inside and sat with our good friends Tiff and Robert.  Everything was fine, the sermon was great! and then communion came...and worship started.  Then it happened.  Now Justin and I like to be as engaged in what we are listening to as possible so we try and sit as close as possible without it being awkward.  You know 3 rows back from the front is close enough NOT to be weird.  I was literally inconsolable again.  My tears just wouldn't stop! Justin was so sweet and walked the whole center isle to get me tissue.  My friend Tiffiny, switched seats with her fiance and just put her hands on me and started to pray for me.   It was the perfect thing that I needed in that moment.  

After Sunday, I feel like I've been a a very bleak, sad mood.  Something that I told myself I wouldn't let myself get to that point.  Now, don't get me wrong, I want to feel the emotions, but I don't want them to get the best of me.  I think that is when people give up in what they are trying to accomplish.  I realize I need to give myself grace, something that is always hard for me to give myself.  I feel like this infertility journey has completely taken over my life.  It's just weaseled it's way into our life and made itself comfortable.  Well, I think it's over staying it's welcome.  

Today Justin and I talked about when is enough, enough?  We haven't quite reached that place.  I know it's only been 2 months of this cycle stuff with IUI and Clomid, but it's a lot.  3 to 4 ultra sounds that are 45 minutes away plus drugs, plus Insemination a month.  It's a commitment.  One that we are determined to do.  Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  I know we have an army praying for us.  Like I always say.  I know God see's us and know's us.  But waiting sucks! lol. 

I was just thinking today, how I pray all the time for God to give me patience.  ***Palm slam to the face*** We are sure having to learn patience during this time.  I feel like I'm learning.  Waiting is hard.  Waiting in God is even harder.  The outcome can be so unpredictable, but EXACTLY what He knows You need, whether you know it or not.  God will either give us children or He won't.  Black and White.  Can we afford adoption or IVF, no.  But God has a purpose for us.   What is it? We have no idea.  But we will wait patiently, as patiently as we can for Him to show us.