Yesterday's work out and Heavy stuff....

So yesterdays work out was really good! Justin was with me the entire time and he did really well too! We did this new machine to both of us and it was a cross between an elliptical and a stair master.  It was really bouncy too.  Justin loved it and got such a good work out from it with his ankle.  I liked it...but I totally felt like a gazelle! lol.  We did that for 20 minutes then moved on to the stationary bike.  The gym was PACKED! and that was def not my first choice.  So we got on it and did 15 minutes on that.  Then we went to the sauna.  That felt great to stretch and just sweat it out.  Over all, I think it was a great first day to the gym! We will go back on Thursday before we go to Life Group.  I feel hopeful and positive that I can and will make this apart of my life.  

The heavy stuff for today is something that has been weighing on my heart lately.  I feel like I'm talking and talking and talking to God all the time.  But I'm not listening.  I feel so desperate right now to hear from Him. Anything.  I've learned that when God is quiet, He is doing things. Things that you have no clue about. Things that might mold you and bring you closer to Him.  I struggle daily to find my quiet time with God.  Getting up at 5 am doesn't really sound that great.  I'm a person who needs their sleep.  But that, in all honesty, is an excuse.  I am the QUEEN of excuses.  I have one for EVERYTHING.  But lately, I've been trying to focus on not having an excuse for things that I would normally come up with one.  I'm focusing on owning myself and my choices.  Just putting on the big girl pants.  There is something very freeing about doing this.   I want to have such a deep, emotional relationship with God that nothing can keep me away from Him.  I long for that relationship to be full and overwhelmed with love.  

I want to hear God speak to my heart.  I know He is always with me, but I want to feel His Spirit with me.  I know what He feels like.  I have felt the fullness of His love before.  I just need to be quiet and listen.  I struggle with my place in this world.  I struggle with what my purpose is and what my God given gift is.  I struggle with not making a difference and how to do so. I struggle with reaching out to people in fear of rejection.  I'm loud and opinionated, and I know some people can't take that.  But, it's who I am. Sometimes I look at the cup half empty, but more times I look at the glass half full hopefully.  My ugliness inside is pretty ugly.  I deal with things, no one even knows about.  I feel hopeless so often.  But then I remember that I have a God who loves me and knows me and those ugly things inside of me.  At first I feel ashamed and then I feel unconditionally loved.  It's okay to have the ugliness there, as long as you keep looking and fixing your eyes on the one who made you.  He made you perfectly, wholly, and in HIS image.  He knew me by name before I was even a thought in my mom's womb. 

I am Loved. I am embraced.  I am a daughter of the One True King.   

Rant....

Yup, that's right folks! Two posts in one day! You ask me how I do it? Well like I've stated before, writing is my outlet. I've tried really hard to keep my posts positive with as little complaining as possible. I think I've been holding my anxiety and stress about all all of this infertility stuff at bay. I've been some what calm and collected. But today has just been a rough one. I'm on estrogen now and I'm on it for 3 days longer than I was last cycle. It's hard seeing baby announcements left and right. I'm am so ecstatic for these people who are popping up pregnant left and right. But I'm going to say it, when is it my turn?

I find myself struggling as of the last couple days with why can't I get pregnant. What is wrong with me? I just don't understand! 

But God knows. He knows everything. 

There's a so give been posting on Facebook the last couple days and it's called "I need thee every hour" and it has just been ringing so true for me. My anxiety is coming In spurts and I want to keep that beast caged.  

I just feel stuck and I can't dig myself out. 

Going to the gym today felt good! It felt really good actually! 

I know our time will come. It's just hard to see through the thick fog that you are currently in. 

I finally got it!

So I'll take a break with the baby making stuff to talk about something else! lol....

Remember how my husband told me I could get a gym pass a while ago....well, he made my dreams come true! We both signed up at 24 hour fitness last night and we are bound and determined to get healthy.  Justin really needs to gain weight that he lost due to his injury and regain strength.  I need to shed some pounds and build up my core.  My back and neck are no bueno.....for those of you who know what happened to me last Friday, it is not something I want to revisit and I want to start fixing the problem.  

I'm excited, scared, and I go in and out of doubting myself that I will stick with it.  It's a lot of money to us right now.  We are in the midst of getting out of debt hardcore, but I know that if I use money as an excuse, that NOTHING will ever happen.  I know I can work out outside blah blah blah.....but I know myself, and I know how I work. When I was in my best shape of life I was doing it by being in the gym and with my best friend by my side.  I am a social worker outer...kinda. I need a partner to motivate me.  On my own, I don't do so good.  In time, I know I will be able to do it on my own.  But for now....Calling out the bestie.........it's beast-mode time! woot woot! 

Here is a picture of me back in 2006, less than 2 years before I met Justin.  

I know it's not a full body shot, but I was pretty fit here.  I don't know my exact weight, but I do know it was WAY less than I am currently.  I felt good about myself, I was confident, and I wanted to take on the world.   I'm so not the girl anymore, but I want to be.

I'm going for healthy, not skinny.  I'm going for being strong, not weak and having my neck and back out all the time.  I'm going for being proud of myself.

Through the infertility process, I was told by multiple people that Clomid made them gain weight.  Yes, it has made me eat and crave bad food, but i'm actually(very slowly) loosing weight.  I've lose about 6 pounds since I started this process. Imagine what I can do when I'm actually working out and eating good, clean food! I'm excited.  I know it's going to be hard, I think I've been mentally preparing myself for that.  

If any of you have a gym membership to 24 hour fitness, hit me up! Let's go! 

Round 2

So round 2 has officially started. As of last night I started my clomid 100 mg a day. This cycle will be exactly like last cycle, so let's just hope my body responds even better! 

I struggle with chronic sinusitis and a side effect from that can be vertigo like symptoms. Well around 2 p.m. Yesterday, I started feeling dizzy and it kept progressing through my dr appt ( whom I told I was feelin dizzy and she didn't eqaute my dizziness to the meds I'm on since I hadn't even started them) and through the angels game we went to with our good friends Tiffany and Robert. I thought going home and going to bed would help and I would wake up refreshed and feeling good! Wrong! I woke up and took a shower and literally fell over in the shower. I caught myself on Justin's shower chair, but I knew it wasn't good and I was still dealing with this. So, I called my primary care doc toget an appointment. It def has to do with my sinuses and allergies. I'm super plugged up but they aren't infected which is good! So I'm on Flonase and decongestant and hopefully t will kick it out of me. I also went to the chiropractor to get some relief, so we will see.  I stayed home from work today because I couldn't drive with how dizzy I was and I just wanted to be flat. 

So now I'm on clomid for 5 days until sat and then on Sunday I start estrogen to build my lining. Apparently clomid keeps your uterine lining from growing and thickening. So I'll be on that for 4 days. Then it just keeps rolling on. I'm thankful tht there isn't a whole lot I waiting between cycles because I think I would go crazy! We literally jump into the next cycle to keep track of thigs. 

That's it for now! Have a good rest of he week everyone! Hopefully my week will start to look up!

Drum roll please.......

So, No Dice.

Aunt Flo came to town with a very unwelcome visit yesterday.

I've been doing a lot of praying since yesterday.  Asking for comfort and peace and strength.

I had to call my Dr. as soon as I started my new cycle, and here we go.  I have an appt tomorrow at 4:30p.m. to start all over.

Here we go again!  As much as I hate the process and feel drained and exhausted after 1 month, I feel so thankful for the process.  I am thankful that we have an option besides hearing No.  I'm thankful that we are in the age of knowledge we are in, because 50 years ago, this process would not have happened.  We would just be told, I'm sorry, you are infertile.

While I still believe a miracle can happen without the drugs, ultrasounds, and shots, why not use what we can while we have it.  IVF is not an option for us.  We simply can't afford it.   We cannot take on IVF as well as Justin's schooling.  We just don't have that kind of money.  Right now, Justin's schooling is outweighing anything, because if we don't have that, then we don't have progression in our life.

Who knew being an adult would be so heart wrenching and stressful.  They definitely don't teach you that in school among the math and history and writing classes.

I'm thankful for where we are.  It may not be ideal and I get weighed down by it most often times, but I'm thankful for where we are.  It won't always be like this.  I remember I have asked God to give me patience.  Well, here is my lesson in just that.  Patience in waiting on God, patience in waiting for our lives to start with a little one.  It is a hard lesson, probably the hardest I've had to learn yet in my 29 years on this earth.  But I'm learning them with the best person I know by my side.  I'm so thankful for that man, God gifted me with doing life with.  He's my heart and my soul.  He's my anchor.

How I'm feeling.....

So we are still in our two week wait period.  I'm technically on day 9 post IUI.  I'm "supposed" to get my period today, but even if I don't, it doesn't mean we are pregnant.  I have to wait until the 26th to take a pregnancy test to see if I'm pregnant or not.  

Let me just say one thing....If  I allow myself to be consumed with all of this, I might have to say this is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I'm not letting myself go there.  I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping my emotions even keel. (Ask Justin, he will give you a straight answer)  I don't know how or what my emotions will be if we find out either way.  I feel calm, but I also feel numb.  I feel like I'm making myself numb out so I don't spaz out during this time.   

I have been EXTREMELY tired.  I'm talking falling asleep before 9 p.m. more than one night a week.  I'm so exhausted every day, after everything that I have to do, I just can't get into my bed fast enough.  I can't even think straight, I'm so tired.  Call it what you will, I think it is the effects of the meds on my body.  Yes, I am this tired.

I just want to take a minute to really thank all of you who have been non stop praying for Justin and myself.  We are deeply humbled by your thoughts and prayers for us.  We have been feeling your prayers and we know we are loved and held so tightly by such a loving God who wants the best for us.  Please pray for continued rest, as well as strength for when we find out either way if we are or aren't pregnant.  Looking back on the past month, it has been exhausting going through the Dr. appts, the meds, the horrid trigger shot, and so much more.  The emotions that we have been going through are just a roller coaster.  I know that we are right where we are supposed to be, and that is a great comfort.  

I know some people would question with all that we have to go through, why would we do it?  Well God can and does work miracles, every single day.   But God has also shown people in this world the wonders of modern medicine.  Since I know that I have always been wonky in the girl part area, I think deep down I knew I would have problems conceiving. We want to give our family the best chance to be a family, safely and healthy.  We feel that this is the best answer to what we have been given.  God gives you things in life that aren't always fair, but he wants you to respond by going to Him for guidance and love and support.  He's got us.  As long as wee keep looking to Him, He's got us.  And coming from someone who fell away from God for a time in her life, He's even got you when you aren't seeking Him in all things.   He loves us so unconditionally.   He allows things to happen to us for a reason or two.   When we cry out, Father! He hears us.  He ALWAYS hears our cries.  And that my friends, is a miracle in itself.  It's simply beautiful.  

Thank you for being faithful.  Thank you for being our friends.  And thank you for loving a merciful Father with us.  

Today I'm feeling really calm.  Feeling anxious, but I feel pretty good.  I'm having some concerns that I didn't ovulate.  My concern comes from the fact that I guess I've never really ovulated, or haven't in a very long time.  I asked my Dr. yesterday what it would feel like, and she said cramping and/or sharp pains where my ovaries are.  I haven't felt any of that.  I have had slight "twinges" of pain here and there off and on, but nothing like cramping.  A really good thing that happened yesterday was Justin's counts were really LOW, and yesterday they tested his sample and before they washed and separated, his over all good count was at 80%! WHAT! seriously! Then she said after she washed it, it was at 90% HOLY COW! Thank you Jesus!

Now we just wait.  I'm due for my period in 8 days, and i can't test until the 26th.  I'm slightly confused.   I'm just going to wait it out.  I feel like if i start my period wouldn't that be an indicator that it didn't take?  Obviously!  So maybe the clomid  will make my cycle longer...HOLY COW i'm glad I'm not a Dr.  I just don't understand.  It's all so wonky!

From here on out, If it's positive...GREAT! If it's negative, OKAY we start this process all over again. And I will be talking to them about the fact that I didn't think that I ovulated.  At least not yet.


We are putting our trust in Him, and even though it's not easy to do, I find that it's a much safer place to be than to put my trust in myself or my body.  Not until recently have I found that peaceful place where God really does have this.  It is HIS perfect plan what happens in our lives.  Having faith like a child is so hard when the world around us is so ugly.  The enemy is around every corner just waiting for us to fall flat on our face and take advantage.  We are putting our TRUST in Him and I feel such comfort in that.  I feel safe, knowing that our lives are in the hands of the one who created us.


Thank you for you ongoing prayers and support, we love you all.  We appreciate you coming along side of us and being our support.  Things like this are never easy, but when you have so many amazing people loving you and praying to an Almighty God who can move a mountain and make a blind person see, we feel like anything is possible.  God is good and I know we are resting in his palms.