Changing My Mind.....

So as I said in my previous post, I was going to sign up for weight watchers...  Well, that didn't exactly pan out.  Justin and I have been pretty tight lately as we are trying to really get out of debt.  I wasn't able to sign up last week, due to this fact.  Monday I received an email from my mom, asking me what I thought about Jenny Craig? Now, I have tried it for like 2 weeks back in 2007, before I got married.  It didn't work for me and my lifestyle...Busy school, work, crazy life with a boyfriend at the time (who's now le husband).  I seriously thought about it, and I said yes! She has offered to help with the costs, and is being super supportive.  So is the husband.  Today is my first day, and so far, so good.  The food is really yummy and i have to incorporate alot of fresh foods along with it! So far I don't feel hungry! yay!

The reason I decided to go with Jenny is, because I have a hard time sticking to anything! It's a terrible green monster in my closet.  It's just how I work.  I'm not proud of it nor does it help me in any way possible.  It's a huge down fall of mine.  Jenny is not cheap, and for my mom to be dishing out that kind of money, kinda makes me responsible for all of it.  The quicker I loose my first 20 lbs (which is what we signed up for), the better.  I definitely don't have a weight on my shoulders about it, but a fresh, invigorating view of loosing this weight with eating good! I feel really good about it.

Confession part 1:  I had a slight panic attack last night about the cost of this.  I was scared already before I even started that the cost was going to be too much and it wouldn't last.  I feel like if this works, what am I going to do if I can't continue.  NOTHING has worked in the past.  I just haven't been able to get my head around it.

Confession part 2:  I have 80 pounds to loose to be at the top of my healthy BMI index number.  Holy freaking cow!!!!!   WHAT! 80 pounds...excuse me...is this thing on! HELLO! Can't it be more like just 20???? NOT!  This scares the crap out of me.

Today I feel confident that this is going to be my lifestyle change for the good.  I am going to learn what I should be eating, how I should be eating for the long haul.  Some serious changes. I know I pretty much sound like a broken record.  I'm sorry for that.. Like I previously said sticking to something is my down fall.  It SUCKS!

Thank you all for encouraging me always, even when you get sick and tired of routing me on when I have yet again failed.  It helps me stay somewhat sane through trying to get through this.

I'll keep updating as I go and how I am feeling......until then,


Loves

Eating Healthier...Easter..No Excuses

This week I have decided to join Weight Watchers! I have done it once before in the past, but wasn't really into it.  This time around I will be able to go to the meetings and have the support given to me that way.  I'm actually really excited about it.  I have also been reading a book called, "Eat right 4 your type."  Its very good so far! I am also deciding to highly cut back on my milk products that I eat, as I know it causes mucus and I have issues with sinusitis.  I also have read about what type of exercising I should be doing that my body will feel the best and get the most out of.  It's very interesting all of the information i'm learning.  So far, it all makes perfect sense!

First item on the menu tonight (and we are also eating it for lunch, because it cooked over night!) is Chicken Taco Chili! I am having it for lunch today and the best part...wait for it.......It's only 5 points! for one and one fourth cup! Its super protein and fiber packed! I'm a happy girl! I can't wait to try it.  Later on this week I will be making these!

On another note. Justin had bought us both things for Christmas that we could use to be out in the world and getting healthier at the same time.  He bought me a beach cruiser and he bought himself some roller blades.  Well needless to say, those roller blades have never seen the ground and my bike, which is currently being stored at the parental's, was used for the first time this weekend by my brother! So we are definitely not using them.  Justin came up with the idea that we get mountain bike's so we can ride on hills, not just down by the beach.  It is really hard/impossible to ride up a hill on a beach cruiser.  I said okay! Hopefully we can get them sold.

 I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the last few weeks, dealing with a lot of my issues and why those said issues are even issues in the first place! phew.......  I have ultimately come up with the fact that no one can change me, but me. I am the biggest excuse maker in the world! I could really be a professional excuse maker.  It's really....sad.

One of my biggest problems is I dwell on what I am either lacking, failing in, or that I can't fix it right away.  It's become this horrible cycle of doom.  I control what goes in my mouth. I control when or when I don't go walking. I control how I say things to people.  God controls everything else.  So why can't I just do it? Because I'm lazy and I don't want to accept the amazing things that could be coming my way from putting in the hard work now.  I have some poundage to loose before having a baby.  I mean I seriously need to get healthy.  I can't hide behind  it, I can't run from it (because I literally can't run).

How was your Easter weekend????? Our's was super great! Church was amazing! Family was awesome! He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! That is always my favorite saying at Easter time.  It provides such comfort to me.  It is the true meaning of Easter!  I am eternally grateful for what God has done for me.   He gave the ultimate sacrifice so I could live... I continually am in amazement over this.  

I hope you all have a fabulous week! much love!  

Belize 2012

Belize was absolutely amazing! I cannot even begin to describe the fulfillment and wonderfulness that I came home with.  We worked four out of the seven days while we were there.  The ladies painted and stained while the men built a 40' x 22' pergola.  It was ginormous! The built this thing in 4 days!  This was part of the start of it! 

They guys worked so hard! You can see the parsonage off to the right.  The preschool is off to the left with the red roof.  The people in Belize are wonderfully kind and humble.  They are so appreciative of what they have and never complain.  It makes you realize what you have and how we take it for granted.  We had one day off in the middle of the week to do something fun! The group split into two groups.  One group went to the Mayan ruins and Kayaking (which we did) and the other we to the coast and went snorkeling/scuba diving.

Here are part of the ruins.  They were amazing.  They were very large and we were able to walk all the way to the top of them.  It was terrifying and freeing all at the same time. We weren't able to take any pictures of the Kayaking part of it due to our cameras would have drown.  It was challenging and scary because we were in class 2 rapids.  I pretty much ate it on every single rapid, all but 2 or 3.  Justin did really well, but had a pretty bad crash on the last rapid that had a 3 foot drop.  He almost had to get rescued, but everything turned out okay.

Here is the finished product! The second team week 2, built the support beams on top of the building as well as the lunch tables that are underneath of the pergola.  It is amazing.  There is lighting for night time events and everything! Another project was the pastor's bathroom was finally finished! no more wobbly bath tub to take showers in.  So much great work happened.

Here is a picture that was taken by our fellow team member, Sid.  It looks like it was taken from the air plane......this is what heaven looks like.  its just the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

We want to go back next year.  We want to see what God will do and continue to do in Cotton tree, Belize.  Wee miss the people and the relationships we formed with the people there deeply.  We continue to pray for them and pray that God will richly bless their homes and bring more people to Him.

To God be the Glory.

Every few months it seems....

that I go through this overwhelming, stupidly, self blinding feeling of un-self worth.  I feel like no one likes me, and i'm a nuisance to everyone and everything.  I feel like my life is inevitably falling apart and everything is a mess.  I know this is the enemy getting the very best of me, but i'm not always sure on how to pull myself out.  I just end up one day feeling fine.  I wonder sometimes if I were a man, would I be going through so many emotions is a months time.  But then I really think about it, and I'm SOOOO glad i'm a woman!

I'm hoping my time in Belize will be a time of rejuvenation.  I know when we get back, I will have a fresh new start.
Financially
Spiritually
Self-Worth
Emotionally
Physically


I have a few goals for myself.  I have decided i'm going to start small, and keep going.

• I want to run a mile.(Never, even when i was fit, could i run a mile.)
• I want to be able to fit into a normal size bridesmaids dress. like a 14
• I want to be able to drink water like a fish instead of hating it, i mean every single drop that goes down
• I want to be able to fit into my smaller pair of jeans i have had waiting for me for a year now. 
• i just want to be happy.  and love myself.

it's time.  I told myself I would not put a baby into this unhealthy body..And i won't. 

Not until i get healthy. If it takes me a year, So be it. 

Baby can wait.  God is in control of that.  I need to get me in order and right now i'm a Huge mess.  

Time to whip out those running shoes and just go.  i will be able to run eventually and it's going to take work...yes work..

do i want to do work...no

do i have to.........YES! 

It is going to be hard...YES! 

do i have a choice...NO! 

my life is at stake....there are too many chances to take, and not enough reasons why I can't.  

That's it I'm done...

Belize

As many of you know, me and the hubs are heading out on a Mission's Trip on the 11th of February! We are so very excited and cannot wait to share this experience together.  I have to say though, my heart is a little heavy going into it.  I know we are not going into the most impoverishment part of Africa or India, but I think I'm still not prepared for what I will experience there.  Knowing the fact that I have never been anywhere besides Canada and Ensenada, Mexico (Honeymoon).   My mom went on this exact trip last year, and I know she came back a different person from it.  I'm just not prepared for poverty and the bad things that come along with that.  I'm actually not sure what to expect.  Despite everything, I know i have a soft heart and a tendency to get emotional over the smallest stuff.

I guess my prayer is that God will use me somehow while we are there.  I think it's safe to say that I need to be stretched in my faith and I really need to be jarred back to God.  Lately I have felt so distant from Him and that is my own fault.  God is always there.  He never leaves US.  Me not feeling connected with Him, lacks alot of things that I have always struggled with in my walk with my Father.   I feel that way about my relationships as well.  I fall short when it comes to being a good friend, wife, daughter.  I'm not sure what it is that holds me back and makes me bottle up.   I definitely have hobbit tenancies.   If that makes any sense.

This is what I think of when I think Jungle...

..But, I'm pretty sure that will be much different! I will post pictures when we get back of what we saw!

We are also going here, On our day of excursions!

Yup, we get to go see Mayan ruins. I am actually stoked about that part! And then we will kayak down a river! How cool! I just hope i'm in good enough shape for this! ugh! slacking......

I know this will be an amazing experience that will fly by too fast.  Being out of the country alone, makes me nervous.  But, I know this is where God wants me.  I want Him to guide my life, not me guiding my life.   It's hard getting caught up in the day to day monotonousness mess of life.  It becomes this pattern that you can't break free from.  I pray that I spend more time with Him, and more time reading His word.

This week needs to be over!

Do you ever feel like everyone in the world HATES you? Welcome to my life at the moment.  I feel like I can't say or do the right thing, to make anyone happy.  When I say something it comes across wrong.  When I do something it's not right.  I'm sick and tired of being walked on! Certain people in my life ( who will remain nameless) just make me totally feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them other wise I can't do or say anything correctly.  Why do I spend so much time and energy making sure other people are happy, Why can't I be happy?

God is a huge rely on source for me.  Without Him, I am nothing.  It is so hard to look past that sometimes and to get so caught up in life.  I find myself, giving myself a reality check in order to realize what really matters.  I'm just feeling tired.   Tired of making everyone happy.  GOD I DON"T KNOW HOW TO NOT DO IT! HELP!

I've said it on Facebook, and I will say it again, I cannot wait for this week to be over! i can't wait to be seeing my brother and sister in law, and my nephew! And! to top it all off, I get to spend New Years with some of our best friends! Needless to say, We cannot wait for this vacation!

Today is Today, Tomorrow is Tomorrow.....

Over the last couple months I have started to realize just how much my anxiety and stress over ALL the little things, is causing me to have such bad health issues.  I've had to be put on anti-anxiety meds, depression meds, started going to the chiropractor, and just had to deal with really bad headaches.  So lately I have really come to terms with said saying, "Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow."  It's time to let GO, and let GOD.  For real this time!
I feel like I have been trying to let other people, medication, excuses fix me in some strange way that I can't even explain.  I've been riddling myself with excuses of why things are happening to me, when under  my own nose, I am the one that can fix all of it.  I just need to 1). Start working out 2). Start giving everything I have over to my heavenly Father 3). Start taking ownership of myself. 4) Just start living!

* Once I got married, I think I let everything in life get in my way of having fun! I seriously can't relax, and just have fun! I used to be able to do it all the time! I think now it's going to be part of letting go.  I need to realize, I do have purpose, I do matter, and people actually do care.  I need to put my family first and realize that Justin and I are a family and having a child will not make us a family.  Having a child will bring an addition to our family.  I've been through a lot in my life, more so emotionally.    But those things, don't make me who I am today.  I am what I make of it.

So as of today, I have weened myself off my anti anxiety med's, handing it over to God and being thankful for what I have, I've been owning myself and decisions more, and feeling a sense of freedom.  I'm thankful for the people who have stuck by my side and uplifted me.  You know who you are!

*Loves