Someone I want you to meet..........

So we've had an adventure for the past 3+ weeks.  There is someone whom my heart loves and adores beyond comprehension....his name is Luke Matthew...

He was born on 7/21/14 at 11:38 a.m. weighing in at 9 lbs. 13 oz.  and 22 inches long.  He couldn't be more perfect.  With his very own full head of blonde hair. 

Our story looks like a happy one but little did we know that just less than 15 hours after this picture was taken, our entire world was going to be turned upside down. 

I think I will start off on a happy note and give my birth experience, since it happened first and was pretty awesome.  

My original due date was July 26th, but because I had the gestational diabetes, I was going to need to be induced early, so they scheduled me for 7/23, I know, just 3 days before...lame! But I digress.  I ended up going into Labor and Delivery on the 20th with a dull headache that had lasted me 2 days or so.  It wasn't incredibly painful, like a migraine or anything, but they said if I have a persistent headache that wouldn't go away with Tylenol, to go in.  So I did.  

We arrived around noon and I actually had to wait to be seen because all the triage beds were full, so we waited about 45 min to be seen.  I just about told Justin to forget it because my headache was almost gone and I didn't want to waste the day at the hospital when I was feeling better. Then, they called my name.  So we headed into the room and get all hooked up to the monitor to see how Luke was doing.  They check my blood pressure and it was elevated.  They had tested my urine for protein and it was negative.  ( A sure sign I would have pre-eclampsia, but there was none, so phew!) I was monitored for about an hour and a half and the routine they were doing was a little different this time.  I have been into L&D multiple times for different reasons.  They took blood, which they never do.  I had  a different wrist band on, which they said was just in case I was admitted.  So the Dr comes in, does a cervical check (tells me I'm 3 cm and 100% effaced) and basically tells me that he is concerned and wants to induce me now.  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I'm sorry, what!?!?!!? 

I literally said that to him, and he asked me if that was okay?  I said.....OK.  I was in shock.  I wasn't prepared and my mind was going 5,000 miles an hour.  I wasn't ready.  I had things to do still.  Like....I don't know what, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to feel empty, to feel nothing inside once he was out.  I wasn't ready for it to not just be Justin and I, not yet.  But ready or not, this was happening.  So by 3 p.m. I was hooked up to Pitocin, had a call in to my mom to bring the rest of the stuff we needed, and we started calling our people.  You know the ones who you want there when this shindig goes down.  So we called Justin's mom, Marianne, and Amy.  My mom was already on her way down.

Here I am, Huge and happy!

  I was pretty determined at that point to labor through as much as I could on my own.  I was doing pretty good, staying on top of the contractions by focusing and breathing through them.  By 10 p.m. the anesthesiologist had come by to talk to me, since I had said I eventually wanted an epidural at some point.  He was pretty good, he talked me into getting one then, instead of at 3 am and I'm so glad he did. The worst part of the epidural was the numbing stuff he first injected so I wouldn't feel anything.  Oh dear Lord, that hurt! I hated the feeling of one of my legs being "dead."  I ended up having an allergic reaction to the epidural so they gave me some benedryl, which helped me sleep for about 3 hours.  My mom, Justin, Cindy, Marianne and Amy were all on rotation all night long.  My room ended up being the sleeping room that they came to crash out in. I felt so loved and so safe with all these people here with me.  I felt like no matter what happened, I had all the people I loved there. It was a very calming feeling.  

The Dr came in, and asked if it was okay to check me and of course I said yes, I was pretty curious to know where I was at.  So at 5 am, she checked me and I was at 5 cm and still 100% effaced.  Holy smokes! So she broke my water, and I thought.....Seriously, this was about to get going.  So at 9 am, she came back and checked me and I was like 9.5/10 cm dilated.  I had one part of my cervix that wasn't dilating like the rest so it created like a lip, so they continued to wait to see if it would fix itself.  The midwife came in at about 10:45 and said that I could start pushing, super casual, on my own, just to get a feel for it.  She showed me how to do it by doing a few pushes with me, and then left for a few minutes.  Justin was counting them out for me and we were doing it.  The midwife came back in and felt to see where his head was, and it was right at my cervix, so she literally stretched my cervix so his head could get around the lip.  Once his head was through it was smooth sailing from there.  I had Justin on my super dead leg and Cindy and my mom were taking turns holding up my other leg.  Because Luke was so big, they needed my hips to open up wide and I couldn't do that on my own with the epidural.  I don't think I would have been able to do it without an epidural on my own.  So here we were Justin counting out my pushes, My mom's holding my legs and 40 something minutes later, out comes this huge, blonde haired little man.

Our midwife, Alicia, catching Luke on his way out!

All I kept thinking through pushing was get him out.  Do whatever you can to get him out.  I was pretty bound and determined to push him through.  I know that I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it if I had not had the epidural.  Have you met me?  I don't do pain very well. I know that I wouldn't have been able to stay on top of the contractions and I would have spiraled out of control.  I just couldn't do that to me or the process.  It wasn't something I wanted to look back on and not even care to do it again because of that. 

I just remember them putting him on my chest and I just started rubbing him.  About 5 minutes after I delivered him, the midwife was encouraging me in a controlled push, to push out the placenta.  Then I had to be stitched up.  She was down there for some time. I still don't know how many I had, as she lost count.  I just felt so relived to have him here and he was healthy, and I just remembered feeling relief.

This was when they put him on me, and I just remember rubbing him.

The next moments were a blur, and I can't really recall what was going on.  The next thing I know I have him in my arms and we are trying to breastfeed.  Which wasn't going to great, but we were trying.  After that, We are being wheeled into what will be our room until we leave.  I feel like it was so long ago, that these days were happening.  I remember walking was not fun, and neither was sitting.  I remember thinking, how bad did I tear! We made it through the day with breastfeeding as much as we could and changing diapers left and right. 

The next morning, I had fed him at 8:30 am and then he had his circumcision at 9:30 am.  He came back and we were being geared up for discharge.  They told me he would sleep a lot and probably not have much of an appetite from it.  OK.  So at 2 p.m. we start to leave and to head home.  Most nerve racking car ride of my life!  

So we are finally home, and he is still not eating.[when everything goes to hell ] By 10 p.m. he still hadn't eaten and I was pretty worried, but then he finally ate at around 11 p.m.  Then he started to cry non stop. The cry soon turned into a moan, and we realized he hadn't had a pee or poop diaper since he ate. He then spiked a temp and I had Justin call Kaiser to talk to them.  They said to immediately bring him in.  So here we are, 5 am, haven't even had him home for 24 hours, and we are heading back to the ER.  They see him right away, and I'm a hot hot mess.  I'm crying, I am so exhausted,  and I have a super hero husband sitting by my side holding my hand the entire time.  

The Dr comes in and starts to assess him.  Mean while he is just as lethargic as can be.  She all of sudden looks at us and says, okay, we are going to run some blood work, do this and that and do a SPINAL TAP.  ummm, I'm sorry, your going to do what to my new born son?  I thought she was just over reacting.  But I said okay.  The techs came in and started poking and prodding our son as he sits there screaming through it all.   I'm sitting there crying my brains out because I can't do anything for him.  I just have to let them do their job.   Then the Pediatric Dr. came down to talk to us, he said they think he has an infection and it is effecting the blood and they still needed to do a spinal tap. He then told us he was going to admit him into the NICU.   I just thought, holy crap, this is super serious.  

We are rolled upstairs and the NICU DR comes and talks to us.  What she is insinuating is what I ask her out loud, Bacterial Meningitis, and she says YES.  My vision turns to tunnel vision and I automatically assume that our son is going to die.  I find out later that Justin was thinking the same exact thing.  I'm thankful that Dr. Mendoza had taken us into a private room, because I all but lost it at that moment.  She was so gracious and stepped out for a moment.  While we soaked it in.  

As the days started to pass, they had done a blood culture on him that first day of being admitted.  They had originally thought it was Group B strep, which I was tested for at 35 weeks and I tested negative.  They couldn't figure out how I had tested negative.  They finally did a second blood culture and both came back Group D, not Group B.  The day he was admitted was a Wed morning.  By the time Friday came, I was exhausted and I wasn't resting.  That late evening, I had woken up from a nap, and started to shake uncontrollably.  I spiked a slight temperature, and I just felt achy.  Justin and my mom brought me in to urgent care at about 5 pm. We were supposed to be heading back to the hospital to see Luke and we were going to be giving him his first bath. But, as the night progressed I became incoherent,  I had a fever of 103, I had a headache the size of the world, and I just didn't feel good.  I was admitted to hospital by 9 pm that night.  After blood work and all that jazz, they determined that I had post partum pre eclampsia, a uterine lining infection and they also did a blood culture on me.  Come to find out I really didn't have Group B, I had group D.  Group D comes from the colon, so there are a ton of risk factors involved.  So let's fast forward.  

My test results for the blood culture come back as Group D. Now this Group D and B are natural floras that are in your body.  The hormones in my body just made the group D flourish and was an infection in my blood.  It then spread to Luke through the birthing process as early as probably when they broke my water.  It went into his blood stream and into his spinal fluid, since the blood barrier is very thin in newborns.  I also had post partum pre-eclampsia.  So they had to start me on magnesium right away.  I had a uterine lining infection and on top of that beyond severe swelling. So....who says pregnancy isn't fun?

Part of Group D strep also, can effect your heart valves, like infect them with it. I was told that I could have lost my life as well with this infection.  My poor husband is a wreck with his wife and son both deathly sick and both in the hospital.  All I could think that first night was that we were missing Luke's first bath.  I felt like we were all spiraling out of control and I couldn't understand why this was happening.  I have never prayed so much in my life to have God heal us both and I just remember pleading with Him for Luke's life. 

It was a hard time for me in the hospital as they wouldn't let me see Luke (who was 20 feet down the hall in the NICU) until they were sure I wasn't contagious and we wouldn't harm each other by what we both had.   Finally, Sunday came around and I was told I could go see my baby.  So Justin cautiously walked me over and I was able to sit with him for a while and hold him.  It didn't take long for me to start feeling bad again, so we went back to the room and I rested.  I was finally discharged on Tuesday and we started a routine of back and forth to the hospital twice a day.  We would go in the morning and come home in the afternoon to rest, to return in the evening until about 10.  These days were getting long, but Luke was improving with each passing day.  His IV's kept blowing out, so at this point, the hardest part was listening to him scream while they would change them out.  I had to be pretty persistent with the nurses to change out his IV's as they would just push the meds and flushes while he was screaming.  He NEVER did that if the line was in right.  Yes, the flush is uncomfortable, but not painful.  Luke is not a fussy baby by any means, so I knew something was wrong with this.  They listened to me and sure enough the line would be out and they would have to find a different spot to hook up the IV.  MOMS: Always trust your gut.

Literally the next week and few days were a blur and I can't believe we are here and we have had him home for a week now.  We are slowly building into a routine here.  He's a slow eater and loves to sleep.  He always falls asleep while we are feeding him, but he eventually gets it all in.  He drinks between 4 and 6 ounces at a time....usually on the lower side of that.  He was up to 6 oz in the NICU. I know...my son is a fatty.  But he is a healthy, beautiful, bright eyed, perfect little fatty.  The nurses in the NICU loved him SO much.  Because of all the hair he had and how blonde it was, he soon became known as Brad Pitt in the NICU.  They even started calling him Brad and some of the nurses didn't even know his real name. lol  They would come over to me and ask and just share how good of a baby he is and what a delight it was to have him there.

The nurses in the NICU are one of a kind.  If you have ever had your babies in the NICU, you may know what I'm talking about.  They are the warmest, most kind hearted men and women, I think, in the field.  Luke received such amazing care from them and the Dr's.  They all worked as a team to save our baby boy's life.  He is alive today because of their quick response and by the grace of God.  We are so blessed to have him with us today.

Parenthood is a whole new world. No one can prepare you for it.  The sleeplessness you encounter along with the headaches from not sleeping.  Sinus infections no longer matter, they become second to everything that is not your baby.  Sleep is something that I think...hey if it happens, great, if not, Luke is happy and healthy.  It's not so hard to get out of bed anymore when your baby is crying.  Luke gives me purpose in life.  I struggled so hard to find that, for years actually.  I prayed and prayed for God to show me my purpose here on this earth and what I was meant to do.  No job has ever been able to satisfy me inside as much as taking care of my son has for the last 7 days.
Yes, its exhausting, no I have no clue what day it is, Yes the smell of formula diapers gags me in a way nothing else can.......but you know what?  I wouldn't trade any of those things for anything else in this life.  I wouldn't want our life to be any different.   So, I'll stick to my coffee, sudafed, and endless days if it means I get to have just one more day on this earth with the two people that matter the most to me......

38 weeks

I realized today that I haven't written in a long while..... Like weeks long while. Eeeeeekkkk! 

Well, I was officially on maternity leave as of 6/30. So a couple weeks now. I'm taking it day by day at this point. Last week we had a dr appointment on Tuesday, and we got some good news that I was 80% effaced and 1.5 cm dialated already! 

Yay!!! We were so excited! As of this past Wednesday, I lost most of my mucus plug. Now, your mucus plug can regenerate itself, so I'm not holding my breath there. At least it is some progress, but I can be here for a while. We also had an ultrasound two Wednesdays ago, and he measured at 8lbs as of 36 weeks and a couple days. It is totally an estimate but he's pretty large so far. We are excited an nervous and just really ready for him to be here.  I'm pretty uncomfortable these days. My blood sugars are a daily battle, and I know as soon as I have him, I hope that my gd will go away.   I know that pregnancy is what as is, but throw gestational diabetes ontop of it, and it has been a really hard struggle for me. It doesn't just effect me, it effects my baby. The ups and downs of the physicalities of high and low blood sugar your body goes through alone is exhausting. Throw being  pregnant on top of it, and your done. I keep hearin your almost there..... Well everyday that he's in there is good, but I am exhausted from it. Thankful we are healthy and we are almost done, but I cant wait to be done. We have another dr appt this next Thursday.  They will do another check to see if I have progressed, let's hope that I have!!!!!

34 weeks and 5 days........

Ladies and Gents, we are getting down to the last leg of our journey.  Thank you for flying this wild ride with Justin and I as we start our descend into delivery and parenthood......


So I had a Dr. appt yesterday.......Let me just fill you in on what happened.  There were so many things.  This was the one appt that Justin didn't go with me to, and I literally felt like my brain was going to explode from all the info! lol.

But first this......

***GD update:   My numbers were doing good for a little bit, but have started to go crazy again.   So I was put on 3.7 mg of Gliburyde instead of 2.5.  I will max out at 5 mg before who know's what they will do.  So we are trying to be diligent and keep it under control.  Kaiser is amazing with their support and being able to talk to someone about it.  So we will see how I do with this new up'd dose.  I'll keep you posted.


So Mr. Luke.  Either he is going to be a huge kid, or I have a ton of amniotic fluid.  I'm measuring at 37 weeks. (So to be clear, it's not how big Luke is measuring, it's how big my uterus is measuring.)  If anyone has encountered this, can you please text me or fb message me on what you experienced! This week I have to start NST tests down at Baldwin Park two times a week to monitor Luke.   A NST test is a non stress test.  The doula who is teaching the birthing class, told me that it is a test to see how much Luke responds with movement to sounds?  So this will be interesting.  I want to do everything in my power to make sure Luke is happy, healthy and safe, but, I feel like life is just getting busier and busier.  So I will have these twice a week NST test's until he comes.

Secondly, as I said above, I'm measuring at 37 weeks.  I have an ultrasound in 2 weeks from today, to have them measure and see how big he is.  Because I'm on the Gliburyde, my Dr. also informed me that I will be induced a week early...... ummmm I'm sorry, what?  So if I don't go into labor on my own a week before my due date, they will induce me.  Apparently, if you are on meds like I am for a condition, they want the baby out a week early.  I wasn't given a straight answer as to why, but I believe they don't want him to get too big.  So we are there at this point, which I am processing and just getting used to the fact that he will be here before we know it.  With the ultra sound in 2 weeks, it will show us how big he is and what to expect. If I understood her right, they might induce even earlier if he is huge.  I'm not sure.  Things are very up in the air.

I'm asking for prayer today.  With my anxiety issues, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this fact.  I know that you have to go with the flow and things change in an instant with labor and delivery.  I just wasn't expecting to be induced and deal with everything that comes with pitocin.   I'm going to thoughtfully seek to be in prayer this week, as I try and process this news.  I know some of you reading this, are like no big deal, but for me it is.  I"m not being dramatic, I"m just processing through some anxiety issues.  I thank you for your prayers this whole time.  I thank you for your love and your support of Justin, myself, and Luke.  We feel deeply all those prayers that have already been prayed over us.

At the moment, I'm not sure if I left anything out of this update.  But I'm just hoping to get a grasp and control over my sugars, try and keep the swelling down (yes I"m swelling everywhere I feel like.  My hands are feeling swollen just typing this!)

We are getting anxious and excited the closer he is to being here.  Our lives are going to change forever and its just crazy to think about.  It kinda boggles my mind! lol

Hope you all are having a great week!

loves, ambs

32 weeks, 4 days...

I'm sorry that I don't have a picture for you guys as of yet! Justin reminded me I needed to take one and then we both forgot! lol.  Let's see.....I'm feeling okay these days.  I am now having to sleep on the couch because I need to sit up and lay on my back.  My hips are just done.  I'm thankful that we have the couch that we do, because it is totally conducive to being able to sleep sitting up.  it's part of our sectional.  It works great! 

We just finished refinishing our glider that we will use to rock Luke and use to feedings and what not.  It came out pretty good! It used to be a dark cherry wood that had a blue and white strip pattern for the pads.  We received it, for free, from our dear friends, The Westerbeeks! It was a huge blessing! They actually had given it to us a while ago, I think right when we were first starting to try for a baby (not knowing what we would have to go through to get there).  We had the pads recovered by the same company that made our crib bedding for Luke, The Baby Guy.  He is awesome! He's down at the OC swap meet and although his prices are a tad high, his quality can't be beat, and it's custom! He made covers that can easily be removed and washed, that was the best part.  All in all we spent over a 100 bucks on the redo, but it was still a lot less than buying a brand new chair.  Here are some pictures of how it came out! 

 It almost looks bluish, but it's all gray! 

 Those pillows are also from The Baby Guy! 

Justin thought it was pretty comfy!

Thanks Justin for working so hard on getting it painted! It came out so great! 

How I'm doing and how Luke is doing:

I'm feeling pretty good.  Every day is different and I always feel a different way.  Luke is moving....A LOT! 

He rolls, kicks, hiccups and LOVES to push off on my hips, digging those cute little feet into my hips.  

He is roughly a little over 3 pounds now, and its a little over 16 inches long! He's getting bigger! This is all according to my baby app on my phone.  We don't have an actual ultra sound until the end of June to find out how big he is and what position he is in. 

Many of you have asked when we are moving, and I really don't have an answer to give.  We have had so many set backs with Justin's situation with workers comp, that we have no clue.  God does, but we just don't.  At the beginning of this month, we were slammed again with bad news.  Justin's workers comp doctor changed his status from temporary disability to permanent.  Which cut his pay from full to a little over a 1/3.  Ouch.  All of our plans were put on hold.  My aunt is amazing and she is being patient with us.  It's giving her the opportunity to do some remodeling on her house while she is waiting for us to be ready to move in.  It's a good situation all around, but we have no clue in the interim what is happening.  We applied for long term disability, as we are not qualified for short term due to workers comp.  We are just waiting to hear from them to see what is going on.  

We know God has a perfect plan.  We know and are trusting that there will be a rainbow at the end of all this.  Luke is the biggest blessing of all out of all of this.   We are just so excited and it is a much needed distraction for when he comes.  Luke means light of God.  I believe that Luke is our little shining light in the midst of the chaos that has been happening in the last year.  His middle name is Matthew, which means gift from God. And oh what a gift he is to us.  God has shown us grace and mercy and favor through this entire situation that was placed before us, almost a year ago.  God is bringing light and blessings through Luke.  

We continue to pray for Luke and his health and that he will be a perfectly healthy little baby.  

Thanks for standing with us and holding us up on this journey.  We are so grateful for you all.  

What is your shining light this week?  Where do you find your blessings? 

Experiencing God in the midst of Chaos...

Do you ever have those moments when you feel an overwhelming feeling of love from our Heavenly Father? 

You know the one where you are either listening to worship music or you are worshiping and emotions fill you of love and it just overwhelming.  You want to shout from the roof tops and tell people what Love really is, Jesus! It is THE best feeling in the world.  

How do you respond to that feeling?  

I get this feeling every now and then. This morning I experienced it at work as I was sipping my morning coffee listening to Selah (if you don't know who they are, you need to!) I was over taken with my love for Jesus and I just wanted everyone to know! Jesus loves you! He is there.  He has you in His hands.  He won't let you fall. 

I find this to be so refreshing despite the season that Justin and I are in.  I can find His love and comfort in the midst of the chaos.  I'm reminded that I am His child and He is mine.   That He is walking right with me every single step of the way.  

My challenge for you today, is how can you find God?  What do you do to search for Him? Have you opened yourself up to receive Him?

We are nothing in this life without Jesus, and I don't know about you, but that is NOT how I want to live this life. I want fulfillment, comfort, peace and unending JOY! I want to be one with my creator.  I want fulfillment that no one or nothing else can give me.  

I wish I had that "feeling" all the time regarding Jesus, but I let life get in the way and stray my focus.

It's time to keep that focus more of a steady in my life.  

Be blessed today my friends and try and find God in the smallest of places even when you feel like He's no where to be found.....He's there.

28 weeks, 7 days

Can you believe that we are almost there.  I literally have 11 weeks to go.  I remember when I was 11 weeks along and it felt like I would forever be pregnant.  The second half of the pregnancy seems to just fly by.  Craziness I tell you.
Things that are happening as of lately:
-I can no longer wear my wedding rings in fear that I won't be able to get them off or worse have to get them cut off!
-I'm starting to feel really low pressure all the time and he loves to snuggle up down low and not use all this floaty space that he has.  Only a couple times a day will he stretch out and wiggle around.
- I'm just not sleeping.  My hip pain has tripled and they are now going numb at night waking me up probably every half an hour to flip over, which is also becoming quite difficult.  lol.  Oh gosh....just your typical preggy stuff.
- I'm noticing Luke is starting to have sleep patterns.  I can tell when he's sleeping or awake.
- I"m getting anxious....I mean really anxious.  I can't wait to meet him and see what life is going to be like.  I just want to hold him.  I know Justin is feeling the same way.  We are just so in love with him already.

My gestational diabetes is going well.  I'm able to keep my blood sugars in check with my diet.  Morning for some reason is the worst where my numbers get all weird and high sometimes.  The rest of the day I'm pretty good.  The Dr. was very pleased with my progress for the first two weeks.  I think timing of when you eat and when you check are huge factors in this game.  I've been a little lax in the morning of testing first thing and I need to get my eating breakfast on time as well.  So far so good though!

Some things that we are going to ask you all for prayer for:

We just found out last Friday, that Justin was put on permanent disability with restrictions.  This means that his pay shoots down to about a little more than 1/3 than what we were getting paid.  This is pretty hard on us right now.  His options are either going back to work, which they are working on finding him a job, or he has to find a different job.  We have no clue now when we will be able to move out of my mom's.  It's all up in the air as of now.  OUR plans of paying our last little bits off are hugely effecting things as well.  We won't have our first month's rent saved, nor can we even afford what our monthly rent would be at this point.  So we are trusting God.  We know He has a perfect plan, and it's definitely no OUR plan but His is so much greater.  When things are up in the air, they aren't secure and that feeling isn't a good one.  I definitely believe that it is all our attitude.   No, our situation isn't ideal, but we are safe and secure and we have that.  It gets a little crazy at times, but we have two people who are loving us and supporting us through this and have been for a while.   They are patient, and loving, and that's all we can ask for.  They are letting us in their space.  We are both giving up our personal space and that is huge.  We are thankful and grateful to my parents for what they have done so far.

Justin is also dealing with some depression issues from all of this workers comp mess.  Pray that God would just over come in his life and speak truth.  I normally wouldn't talk about Justin's personal life on here, but he needs prayer so desperately.  We both do.  We appreciate you all and we love you and feel those prayers.


Here's a picture we took last night at 28 weeks and 6 days.

It's a little hard to see the definition because I'm wearing a lighter shirt, but he is growing.  For sure.  We are so thankful for this little guy.  He just needs to be here already!

Thank you for the prayers, the thoughts and the love you all give.  Thanks for being open to hearing about our journey and walking it with us.  We couldn't do it without you all.   We share, so life is a little more tolerable, not because we like to air out our dirty laundry.  It definitely takes a village.

Fears and Doubts (27 weeks, 6 days)

The closer and closer we get to having Luke, the more and more my insides are freaking out.  What I meant to say is I don't think I'm going to be a good mom.  What I really meant to say, I think I'm going to fail.  Miserably.  Every day.  But before I psych myself out here, let me be real and honest.  After all, this is my blog, my online diary if you will.  All of my fears, doubts and lack of confidence stems from one place and one place only.  The one way down there.....yup The Devil himself.  I even hate to give him credit for that, but I know he's working on me in the worst way by filling my head up with junk.  I know what God says for me is to be true.  That I am loved, that I am His, that I will be the best mom to Luke that I can.  He will give me the strength and He will give me the will to do what I need to do for Luke.  I know I have a great partner through this journey in Justin and I couldn't think of anyone else to do this with.  He is going to be the best daddy ever.  It will be such a proud moment for me to  look over and see my best friend and deepest love holding someone that we made out of our love.  I know cheesy, but it's completely true.  I know it's not going to be easy. It's going to be quite hard actually.  Probably the hardest thing I will have ever done in my life, but it's going to be worth it.  We prayed so hard and diligently for Luke, and I know God wouldn't give him to us if He didn't think we would be fit.  It definitely takes a village.  I'm thankful for the support and love that we have around us.  We have so much to be grateful for.  So I know when those freak outs and doubts in myself, I know that is 100% not from my creator. He believes in me, more than I believe in myself.  He loves me and know's where my heart is. He knows my fears and my heartache, but He is routing in my corner.   I just hope and pray that time isn't wasted in those thoughts and doubts and that I live each moment and soak it in.  It's the little moments, I can't wait for them.