Let's have a little chat.........

Good Morning! 

I know it has literally been forever since I've been on here, let alone, even wanted to write anything for that matter.  

Luke is doing awesome.  He is growing like a weed and he will be 5 months old on the 21st of this month! Can you believe it? He is 28 inches long and is weighing 18 lbs...I think...lol.   We started rice cereal and sweet potatoes this month....He is a very good eater! He still gets up about 2 times at night to eat and he takes between 2-3 naps a day.  He sleeps in 6-8 hour stents at night, which is awesome! He's a really good boy.  

Now for the good stuff.....JK.   The main reason I wanted to write today, is because I want to talk about something that isn't often talked about with new moms and the joys of parenthood.  It is more along the lines of the darker side of what sometimes happens to new moms in the midst of the exhaustion and pure and utter joy they feel.  Something that I was so scared would happen to me and has.  

PPD

For those of you who have  no clue what that is, it is Post Partum Depression.  Now let me say for the record this is not a pitty party post, or I want you to feel bad for me post.  No, this is an awareness post.  I do want to tell you about what I've been dealing with and for those who are wondering where the heck I've been, you might understand why.  

For some time I was in denial, that I wasn't feeling the way I was and that I totally have this going back to work, leaving my newborn baby at home thing.  Then I couldn't fight and hold up the walls anymore.  Realizing that as grateful I am that Justin can raise Luke, in my mind, my husband knows my son better than I do.  Aren't I supposed to be the one who knows my son the best?  Isn't it me who is supposed to be the closest one to him and we are supposed to have this amazing bond?  Don't get me wrong, I know Luke and I have a special bond.  He will always look for me when someone else is holding him, and he always snuggles into me even when he's not tired.  

Every day is a struggle to get out of bed.  Every day I am beyond exhausted. Everyday I don't feel good.  Every day to basically function, I have to put every ounce of energy I have.  The anxiety that comes along with it is something that feels like I've drank 2 monsters, the big ones.  Heart pounding, sweating, deep breaths.  I hate that feeling.  I want to be the best I can for my husband and son. But I just don't know how.  It's like a leech that you can't get rid of.  

I can't give enough credit to working mom's.  They have to be apart from their babies for a God awful amount of hours, which is most of the day, then come home, make dinner, get the kids their food, bath, and bed.  By all that time, you have only had about 2 hours all day with your kids.  Not really spending quality time with them.  Then you proceed to do it for the next 5 days.  Weekends....oh glorious weekends. I don't want to do anything, but snuggle with my sweet boy on the couch.  But he has other plans and so do you.  The world can't stop just because you want to capture the moment.  He needs wiggle time, and has to eat and play and sleep.  And you have promises that you have made to be somewhere, thinking in the moment you made them, it would be fine.  Panic sets in at the thought of other people and things taking time away from those precious moments you have with your baby.  Not to mention your time with your husband.  A husband who is utterly exhausted from taking care of your baby boy all day, all while fighting what could possibly be pneumonia. Yup, you have a super hero for a hubby.  

Stay at home mom's I give you so much credit, but I envy you. I know how tired you are, I know the daily battles you face are real.  But I envy that you get to have those battles.  I want the melt downs, and the sweet feeding times that interrupt your cleaning the house.  The diaper changes that make you want to puke your guts up, because your baby is on special formula that smells like death. I envy you.   

Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond thankful that I have a job, and don't have to pay child care.  I am beyond grateful that I have an easy place of employment, with a boss and coworkers who are actually nice and talk to you. A boss who, his wife and himself come down to the hospital and pray with you when your brand new baby is readmitted into the hospital for a fatal issue.  For coworkers that are dudes, but also friends that I have known for a very long time. 

To know that you have to be on meds that help with your depression, that don't actually do anything....trying to figure out what does work for you.  Your husband says that it has calmed you down, but you aren't too sure about that.  You wonder if it really is helping.  

Another side for all of this for me is the fact that, as you all know, I was pretty sick right along with Luke.  I am still having the residual effects of that.  I wasn't able to breastfeed, which is the biggest part of all of this that I am mourning.   I mourn for the hours that I can't be home with Luke, I mourn for the lack of Joy I feel in my life, I mourn for the desperation I feel to want Joy in my life and give myself fully and wholly to my maker.  I mourn for the lack of a wife that Justin has at the moment, and what I really should be for him.  I mourn that I can barely put anything before myself and I'm in a continual state of self help or for better terms, resisting self help.  

I know it won't always be like this.  I know I will have the darkness unveiled. For now, I pray, I plead, and I ask God for favor. I thank him for every moment I have with Justin and Luke. I pray for peace as I constantly live in fear of....EVERYTHING.  

One day, I will find that peace.  For now, I deal. 

What I ask of you, my friends, is that you give and extend grace. I'm not asking it for myself (although it would be much appreciated) but for all those other mommies who disappear after they have a baby.  If you wonder why they don't make plans, don't call, don't have the time......It's because having a baby is hard enough.  Adding Depression on top of it, is debilitating.  Just think twice before you are quick to think that we have just disappeared.   

PPD doesn't effect everyone.  I was probably more susceptible to it because I have had depression/anxiety issues in the past.  It was a fear of mine before I had Luke and here we are.  Very very real.  Like a slap in the face.  It's not something many women like to talk about or admit.  It is an uncomfortable place to be in.  Just cling to the HOPE of who Christ is and who He is inside of you.  He will not let you fall.  You are loved, and you are doing the best you can.  

One day at a time. 

28 weeks, 7 days

Can you believe that we are almost there.  I literally have 11 weeks to go.  I remember when I was 11 weeks along and it felt like I would forever be pregnant.  The second half of the pregnancy seems to just fly by.  Craziness I tell you.
Things that are happening as of lately:
-I can no longer wear my wedding rings in fear that I won't be able to get them off or worse have to get them cut off!
-I'm starting to feel really low pressure all the time and he loves to snuggle up down low and not use all this floaty space that he has.  Only a couple times a day will he stretch out and wiggle around.
- I'm just not sleeping.  My hip pain has tripled and they are now going numb at night waking me up probably every half an hour to flip over, which is also becoming quite difficult.  lol.  Oh gosh....just your typical preggy stuff.
- I'm noticing Luke is starting to have sleep patterns.  I can tell when he's sleeping or awake.
- I"m getting anxious....I mean really anxious.  I can't wait to meet him and see what life is going to be like.  I just want to hold him.  I know Justin is feeling the same way.  We are just so in love with him already.

My gestational diabetes is going well.  I'm able to keep my blood sugars in check with my diet.  Morning for some reason is the worst where my numbers get all weird and high sometimes.  The rest of the day I'm pretty good.  The Dr. was very pleased with my progress for the first two weeks.  I think timing of when you eat and when you check are huge factors in this game.  I've been a little lax in the morning of testing first thing and I need to get my eating breakfast on time as well.  So far so good though!

Some things that we are going to ask you all for prayer for:

We just found out last Friday, that Justin was put on permanent disability with restrictions.  This means that his pay shoots down to about a little more than 1/3 than what we were getting paid.  This is pretty hard on us right now.  His options are either going back to work, which they are working on finding him a job, or he has to find a different job.  We have no clue now when we will be able to move out of my mom's.  It's all up in the air as of now.  OUR plans of paying our last little bits off are hugely effecting things as well.  We won't have our first month's rent saved, nor can we even afford what our monthly rent would be at this point.  So we are trusting God.  We know He has a perfect plan, and it's definitely no OUR plan but His is so much greater.  When things are up in the air, they aren't secure and that feeling isn't a good one.  I definitely believe that it is all our attitude.   No, our situation isn't ideal, but we are safe and secure and we have that.  It gets a little crazy at times, but we have two people who are loving us and supporting us through this and have been for a while.   They are patient, and loving, and that's all we can ask for.  They are letting us in their space.  We are both giving up our personal space and that is huge.  We are thankful and grateful to my parents for what they have done so far.

Justin is also dealing with some depression issues from all of this workers comp mess.  Pray that God would just over come in his life and speak truth.  I normally wouldn't talk about Justin's personal life on here, but he needs prayer so desperately.  We both do.  We appreciate you all and we love you and feel those prayers.


Here's a picture we took last night at 28 weeks and 6 days.

It's a little hard to see the definition because I'm wearing a lighter shirt, but he is growing.  For sure.  We are so thankful for this little guy.  He just needs to be here already!

Thank you for the prayers, the thoughts and the love you all give.  Thanks for being open to hearing about our journey and walking it with us.  We couldn't do it without you all.   We share, so life is a little more tolerable, not because we like to air out our dirty laundry.  It definitely takes a village.

26 weeks! and 6 days....

Where is the time flying to?  I feel like I was just newly pregnant and we were just finding out we were having a baby boy! Holy crap!

I had my Gestational Diabetes class this past Tuesday and it was way better than I expected.  Thank goodness Justin was able to go with me, because there was so much information! Not to mention I was pretty sick when we went, so listening wasn't a strong suit for me at that point.  I learned some invaluable information about how I should be eating and how I can control this with just food and exercise.  It is crazy what and how food effects our bodies.  So far, my sugars have been in control and been pretty good.  Aside from them being super low at the class and i had to wait and eat something to get them back up before they would release me, they have been spot on.  I also haven't been eating sugar.  Like at all.   This is not as hard as I thought it would be.  I know I can't have it, and I know it's not good for me, so I'm not that tempted.  If I want something sweet, like juice or something that Justin has, I'll just have one sip or one bite.  Nothing that will spike my sugars as if I were to eat or drink the whole thing.  It helps keep the cravings down.

The other thing I've been dealing with is being sick.  This wasn't just your average cold.  It started with the flu that turned into a cold that I still currently have.  It has taken all of my energy away from me as I still fight to stay awake.  I just came back to work yesterday from being off since mid day Thursday.  I left on Thursday from not feeling good, and I think this is the hardest I've been hit in years by it.  I spent Easter Sunday in bed all day long.  No bueno.  I still have some congestion in my chest and nose, and this hacking cough that comes and goes, but no fever or chills anymore...Those were the worst.

The closer we come to having Luke here, the crazier life seems to be getting for us.  So many things are up in the air right now.  Justin's job, when he will go back to work, our move (which is now pushed back until August 2, we won't go into that), to just the unknowns of delivery.  We know that we serve a big a mighty God and we are only limiting Him when we worry and we panic.  Well we sure do worry and panic a lot for some reason, even though we know he is ultimately in control.   On the flip side to all of that, I can't wait for Luke to be here.  I just want to feel that wiggly body in my arms and know that he is alright all the time.  I'm anxious to get our family on a new norm.  I'm anxious to know what life is going to be with him, and I know we will totally forget what life was like without him.  It's been 6 years of just Justin and I.  This is a huge game changer.  Something that we can only prepare ourselves so much for.  I'm excited for it.  I welcome it.  Because there is no going back.  We would never choose to ever go back.  So here's to almost 27 weeks.  I know I need to take a picture, I just haven't because I have looked like death for the past week.  lol.

I hope you are all having a great week so far.  What is God challenging you with this week?  What is He facing you with?  How are you responding to Him?  Praying for you all as you are facing whatever it is He has placed before you.  Love you,

Ambs

23 weeks and 5 days!

Can you believe how fast it is starting to go?  It has been a while, yet again, since I have put up any kind of update. BUT!  I've been up to a thing or two to start getting ready for our baby boy to come.

I want to first talk about some changes with me and then I'll show you what I've been up to.  I've been averaging about 4 days a week at work.  Whether I'm not feeling good with allergies, cold, or just overly exhausted, I just haven't been making it 5 days a week.  Justin and I talked it over and we decided that it was worth me feeling good to go down to 4 days a week.  So, I have Monday's off now and LOVE having a 3 day weekend.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to do that once Luke is here, so I will just enjoy the time while I have it.  I love being able to spend one more day with Justin.  Since he is still off of work ( I know), I think I will have a hard time once he goes back.  I'm so spoiled to be able to spend so much time with him! I love it!  

About a week and a half ago, I had an accident at work.  I fell on my way back to the office from lunch with the guys.  I was walking to close to the curb and my foot slipped and down I went.  I ended up on all 4's and rolled to my back, (like a ninja, as my coworkers who are all dudes said).  The worst was my knee, I thought it popped out.  It hurt like the dickens and then as I started to get my wits about me to stand, as I was standing, I had a sharp pulling pain in my lower abdomen.  I just doubled over for a few minutes and finally felt like I could walk.  So they got me back to the office and I thought I should just call the nurse hotline ( we have Kaiser Insurance)  to see if I should come in or not.   I sat down and put my knee up ( it was pretty banged up) and they put me through to L and D, and they told me to def come in.  So I spent the afternoon in L and D.  I was quite impressed I must say.  It was a beautiful wing, and they were so kind. They even put ice on my knee for me.  Little Luke was just fine.  I didn't feel him for about 30 minutes after I fell, as I probably jolted him a little and scared him, but he was just fine!

Onto better and less nerve racking things! A couple weeks ago, I got some fabric and I wanted to make burp cloths.  Well, I ended up getting a ton of fabric, and I'm still in the process of making them! I have two different patterns hashed out so far.  I also got the the stuff to finish my mobile for above Luke's crib.  I was all set.  So a few Monday's ago, I started cutting and making the burpies.  Here's a few pictures of how they turned out.  I had to mess around with the shape.  I started with rounded edges and finished with dead square.  I think they turned out pretty good.

Front Side

Back Side

I'm going to be keeping some and selling some.  I didn't realize how many they would actually make! 

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I also wanted to post up pictures of my finished mobile! I did the cut outs by hand and then sewed and stuffed with cotton balls.  I then hung them with white embroidery thread and painted the inside of an embroidery loop.  I was going for simple and cute.  The best part I'd have to say it is cost me no more than $5 bucks. I already had the fabric from the banner I made for above his bed on the wall.  The loop and embroidery thread were super cheap too! 

I still have a few more things that I want to do for his room, but for now I'm pretty happy with how it is all turning out.  We don't have much room to store stuff, and I don't want it to get ruined, so I'm being careful with how much I make.  

Over all, I'm feeling pretty good.  I still don't have a ton of energy.  I have been having an ongoing not feeling comfortable in my own skin type feeling for weeks now.  It makes me just blah.  I don't really want to go out and do much.  Being at home makes me the most comfortable and being in my pj's.  LAME, I know.  I try and walk or do some kind of exercise when I can and have the energy to do so.  Luke is moving and wiggling and he is starting to wake me up in the middle of the night.  It crazy how strong he is. He's so good though.  I only wake up once or twice a night from him.  So I know he is sleeping good at night! I PRAY that will stick when he's here! His mama and daddy like to sleep! Hopefully he will too :-)  I'm starting to feel him higher on my belly, but he still likes to be pretty low.  I don't think he has grasped the fact that he can stretch out.  I love talking to him and sometimes if he's being feisty, he will push or kick my hand where I push on him.  It's really cute.  I can't feel where his body is yet, but I'm sure as he gets bigger, I'll be able to identify that.  We have our monthly check up this Friday and I'll be 24 weeks! Which means......Viability Day! Which means, if he were to, God Forbid, come for any reason, the Dr's would do everything they can for him.  His chance of survival would actually be a chance rather than a non survival rate.  One more milestone to check off the list! 

Hope you all are having a great week! Remember and trust in God's promises and provisions.  He is always good, for every good and perfect gift comes from Him.

Justin and I were talking today about how much heartache we have experienced in waiting on God to have Luke.  How we obediently said okay to God in Him telling us to wait.  I couldn't have pictured our life any different than right now.  Thanks for your support and all your prayers.  We appreciate them and YOU! 

loves and hugs