Let's have a little chat.........

Good Morning! 

I know it has literally been forever since I've been on here, let alone, even wanted to write anything for that matter.  

Luke is doing awesome.  He is growing like a weed and he will be 5 months old on the 21st of this month! Can you believe it? He is 28 inches long and is weighing 18 lbs...I think...lol.   We started rice cereal and sweet potatoes this month....He is a very good eater! He still gets up about 2 times at night to eat and he takes between 2-3 naps a day.  He sleeps in 6-8 hour stents at night, which is awesome! He's a really good boy.  

Now for the good stuff.....JK.   The main reason I wanted to write today, is because I want to talk about something that isn't often talked about with new moms and the joys of parenthood.  It is more along the lines of the darker side of what sometimes happens to new moms in the midst of the exhaustion and pure and utter joy they feel.  Something that I was so scared would happen to me and has.  

PPD

For those of you who have  no clue what that is, it is Post Partum Depression.  Now let me say for the record this is not a pitty party post, or I want you to feel bad for me post.  No, this is an awareness post.  I do want to tell you about what I've been dealing with and for those who are wondering where the heck I've been, you might understand why.  

For some time I was in denial, that I wasn't feeling the way I was and that I totally have this going back to work, leaving my newborn baby at home thing.  Then I couldn't fight and hold up the walls anymore.  Realizing that as grateful I am that Justin can raise Luke, in my mind, my husband knows my son better than I do.  Aren't I supposed to be the one who knows my son the best?  Isn't it me who is supposed to be the closest one to him and we are supposed to have this amazing bond?  Don't get me wrong, I know Luke and I have a special bond.  He will always look for me when someone else is holding him, and he always snuggles into me even when he's not tired.  

Every day is a struggle to get out of bed.  Every day I am beyond exhausted. Everyday I don't feel good.  Every day to basically function, I have to put every ounce of energy I have.  The anxiety that comes along with it is something that feels like I've drank 2 monsters, the big ones.  Heart pounding, sweating, deep breaths.  I hate that feeling.  I want to be the best I can for my husband and son. But I just don't know how.  It's like a leech that you can't get rid of.  

I can't give enough credit to working mom's.  They have to be apart from their babies for a God awful amount of hours, which is most of the day, then come home, make dinner, get the kids their food, bath, and bed.  By all that time, you have only had about 2 hours all day with your kids.  Not really spending quality time with them.  Then you proceed to do it for the next 5 days.  Weekends....oh glorious weekends. I don't want to do anything, but snuggle with my sweet boy on the couch.  But he has other plans and so do you.  The world can't stop just because you want to capture the moment.  He needs wiggle time, and has to eat and play and sleep.  And you have promises that you have made to be somewhere, thinking in the moment you made them, it would be fine.  Panic sets in at the thought of other people and things taking time away from those precious moments you have with your baby.  Not to mention your time with your husband.  A husband who is utterly exhausted from taking care of your baby boy all day, all while fighting what could possibly be pneumonia. Yup, you have a super hero for a hubby.  

Stay at home mom's I give you so much credit, but I envy you. I know how tired you are, I know the daily battles you face are real.  But I envy that you get to have those battles.  I want the melt downs, and the sweet feeding times that interrupt your cleaning the house.  The diaper changes that make you want to puke your guts up, because your baby is on special formula that smells like death. I envy you.   

Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond thankful that I have a job, and don't have to pay child care.  I am beyond grateful that I have an easy place of employment, with a boss and coworkers who are actually nice and talk to you. A boss who, his wife and himself come down to the hospital and pray with you when your brand new baby is readmitted into the hospital for a fatal issue.  For coworkers that are dudes, but also friends that I have known for a very long time. 

To know that you have to be on meds that help with your depression, that don't actually do anything....trying to figure out what does work for you.  Your husband says that it has calmed you down, but you aren't too sure about that.  You wonder if it really is helping.  

Another side for all of this for me is the fact that, as you all know, I was pretty sick right along with Luke.  I am still having the residual effects of that.  I wasn't able to breastfeed, which is the biggest part of all of this that I am mourning.   I mourn for the hours that I can't be home with Luke, I mourn for the lack of Joy I feel in my life, I mourn for the desperation I feel to want Joy in my life and give myself fully and wholly to my maker.  I mourn for the lack of a wife that Justin has at the moment, and what I really should be for him.  I mourn that I can barely put anything before myself and I'm in a continual state of self help or for better terms, resisting self help.  

I know it won't always be like this.  I know I will have the darkness unveiled. For now, I pray, I plead, and I ask God for favor. I thank him for every moment I have with Justin and Luke. I pray for peace as I constantly live in fear of....EVERYTHING.  

One day, I will find that peace.  For now, I deal. 

What I ask of you, my friends, is that you give and extend grace. I'm not asking it for myself (although it would be much appreciated) but for all those other mommies who disappear after they have a baby.  If you wonder why they don't make plans, don't call, don't have the time......It's because having a baby is hard enough.  Adding Depression on top of it, is debilitating.  Just think twice before you are quick to think that we have just disappeared.   

PPD doesn't effect everyone.  I was probably more susceptible to it because I have had depression/anxiety issues in the past.  It was a fear of mine before I had Luke and here we are.  Very very real.  Like a slap in the face.  It's not something many women like to talk about or admit.  It is an uncomfortable place to be in.  Just cling to the HOPE of who Christ is and who He is inside of you.  He will not let you fall.  You are loved, and you are doing the best you can.  

One day at a time.