Luke is 13 weeks old!

So it's been a while.  

It's been a while since I've written down my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my insecurities, my deepest fears.  I can't continue ignoring them in any way shape or form..  So I need to write it out.  I need to reconnect with my soul the only way I know how.  That is to write.  My thoughts in my head get so jumbled and yet, when I write it all becomes so clear.  

Luke is now 13 weeks old, and he is thriving! He is so much fun to be with even on his worst days.  He's a happy baby who loves to coo and make OOOOO sounds with you.  He will literally sit and have a conversation with you! He is on special formula because he has a milk protein allergy that was causing him to poop blood, so we are thankful that is fixed and he is doing well on this formula.  He has been sleeping about 8 hours at night, and he is taking less and less naps during the day.  His hair is out of control and every one comments on how blonde and how much there is! He's like a little celebrity.  It's ridiculous! lol.  

I started back to work Monday.  It's not as terrifying as I thought it would be.  But I know once I start coming full time, it is going to be hard.  We feel so blessed that Justin can be home with Luke, for the time being.  Justin is still going to school and doing excellent! He is in Sociology right now and actually really likes it....I would LOATH that class.  I never understood any of  it.  lol. Justin is such a good daddy to Luke.  I couldn't have asked for a better person to love our son.  He is so good with him.  

My health is leveling out.  I still feel the effects of the blood infection and I am still on meds for my blood pressure.  Hopefully that will all go away at my next dr appt.  but we shall see.   My anxiety was through the roof before I came back to work.  I literally had to stop taking my blood pressure because it was constantly high even with the meds.  But work has been awesome.  When I came back Monday, I came back to a raise and a promise of more work and role changes.  I'm super excited about this as I'll feel more productive at work and hopefully the day will go by faster so I can be home with Luke.  I love the place I work and to be honest I don't think I can give it up.   My boss and his wife actually came down to pray with me when Luke was admitted into the NICU.  They are amazing people and treat their employees like family.   Later on down the road if and when Justin gets a paying job that I can stay home, I might.  I would like to, but I think part of me doesn't want to leave the people I work with.  They have been apart of my life for so long, they feel like family as well.  

There are days where I feel like I will come home and Luke won't know me.  There are times when I feel like he won't need me and only need Justin.  I know that day will come, and it hurts me to the core to think about.  When he will want daddy to put him down instead of mommy.  Rolling with the punches.  I'm thankful that Luke has a daddy to want.  I'm thankful that it isn't a stranger that he feels more comfortable with.  I always want my son to feel secure and loved and happy.  It breaks my heart when he's not.  

Adjusting to a new norm is never easy.  Especially when you feel like you haven't had enough time in the norm you were trying to adjust to.  I don't want to be so out of tune with my child that I have no idea what will soothe him.  I know it changes all the time and that scares me.  I know i will probably go through all of this with my second, if we are blessed with a second, as well.  

We moved a few weeks ago into a house in West Covina.  We are finally on our own! woo hoo! We couldn't repay my parents for the love and support they have shown us through letting us stay with them for 16 months.  They were awesome and dealt with our complaining and having 4 adult, 1 baby, and a dog in the house.  We made it without killing each other and we feel so blessed for the opportunity to have lived there.  We love our new place! It's perfect for us and Luke gets his own room! We are renting from a very close family friend who is giving us a killer rate that we couldn't find anywhere for a house.  God is watching out for us left and right.  We are blessed beyond measure.  We are thankful that I have a job to come back to, we are thankful for a home to live it, we are thankful for our benefits so that we can provide Luke with the best medical care out there.  We are living in a world of chaos and its so hard to find the blessings in things I find these days, but there is so much to be thankful for.  So much good still happening in the world.  It's time to look at the bright side of life and stop dwelling and focusing on the bad.  We have a son who is happy and healthy and here.  He made it, through something that he could have died or been seriously impaired from.  So far he is perfect.  We continuously pray that he stays healthy and that the effects from the infection on his brain and spinal fluid are none.  

Hope you all are doing well, we miss those of you who we haven't seen in a while.  Don't be afraid to text or call and let's get together!