Trigger Shot...AKA bane of my existence....I mean HCG.

I totally chickened out and had to have my mom give it to me!

The funny thing is...it tickled instead of hurting.  yup tickled.

It started to hurt after and then this morning I woke up to a round reddish spot with it hurting and warm and kind-of a knot.  I'm thankful for a mom who is a nurse, and she said not to worry.  It can happen.

Tomorrow's the day! Feeling like I have a leg on both sides of the fence.  That fence being excited and disappointed.  Trying to stay more on the excited side.

I've been praying the prayer of: God, whatever the outcome, please let me rest in that and know that you are God and you have this.  Amen....I'm totally trusting God here.  I'm trying to.  I want to.  I know that giving up the power to Him, that I can rest assured that it is supposed to happen.  I've always hated surprises because I can't handle the waiting and not knowing.  Well, it's time I get to liking them.  

That's all for now.

Thanks for the prayers!

Good news!

This morning at 0 dark thirty, we got out of bed and ventured out into the land of Fontucky! We had a second ultra sound to see where our eggs were at. Last Wednesday we had one done and the results were very different. Last week I had none on my left side and two on my right. Today, I had one on each side that were progressing nicely. I had been taking estrogen for the last couple of days and it worked! My lining thickened up nicely, and over all he said things looked good. I still have a low amount of follicles for where I should be at, but I will  take two over nothing! I'm supposed to take my trigger shot tomorrow night at 10 p.m. And then go back in on Tuesday for insemination. That's all we know! Thanks for the prayers. It was good to hear some good news!

Waiting Game...:::::::Warning Graphic Detail:::::

::::WARNING::::

{Very graphic detail of woman things.  Please leave page now if you are sqeemish!}

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So we are in a waiting game now.  I went to get my ultrasound this morning and things aren't looking quite there.  My body is being very resistant to ovulation as I haven't been ovulating at all apparently. I have two follicles(which encase the egg) on my right ovary.  They are measuring small at 11mm and 13mm.  Normal for ovulation is in between 18-22mm.  She also said my lining is very thin.  She wants to see me back on Saturday morning at 7am to do another ultra sound to see where we are at.  

I'm being put on estrogen for the next couple days to hopefully increase the thickness of my lining.  I'm putting my trust into the doctors and God that they know what they are doing with my body.  I told her that I was on BC since I was 16 due to really bad periods.  She said that my parents did the best thing for me because it probably saved my ovaries.  Come to find out, I probably haven't been ovulating at all and never did.  Yes, you can have a period every month and not ovulate.  My body was basically confused and it knew it needed to get rid of the lining, but my period wasn't being triggered by ovulation.  

(It's all VERY confusing....now you know why women are confusing!...jk! not really.) 

I'm trying to trust in God. I know HE has this. I know it is in HIS timing.  I just need to be okay with that.  I don't know if I am there yet.  I want to be that is for sure.

She also taught me how to do the shot that i have to do.  People, I feel like I'm doing drugs...It's mixing this into that powdery stuff... It's all weird.  But! It will make me ovulate, so I'm game. 

I think I was in shock today when I realized that my body really isn't doing anything on it's own. Here I was all these years thinking I would be fine and it would be great!....WRONG.  Nothing is EVER guaranteed. 

Nothing.

Call me dramatic, or what you will.

I am currently having a hormone headache....

just thought you would want to know;-)

Thanks for the prayers and support.  We appreciate them all.  

2 Part Post

This post will be 2 parts about working out and jogging, and baby stuff.  

A few weeks ago, Justin had made me a promise to buy me a gym membership of my choice if I committed to 3 days a week for 4 weeks of walking/joggin.  I'm starting my 4th week and so far so good.  My second week in I was only able to do 2 days so I have to add it in somewhere this week.  I'm really enjoying the time to myself and I'm learning a lot of who I am, how I am, how I process things.  I haven't looked at myself like this in a while.
I had my first ah ha moment a week ago, Sat.  It was a moment indeed.  You know, the one where you are jogging and a really awesome song comes on that empowers  you like nothing else.  I started to sprint towards the end of my jog and I was listening to Katy Perry's "Roar" and I just had tears coming down my face.  I felt proud, I felt empowered, I knew I could do this.  It felt amazing.  There was a time when I thought I couldn't and I told myself that.  I know it's hard, don't get me wrong, but my body is loving me for it and I know I will be a healthier me in the long run.  Starting the C25K was a great choice and it is so much easier to job for a minute than just going at it wondering how long you've been jogging.  I'm so lagging this week, mostly because my week got rearranged last minute.  It will be good and I'm going to stay positive if my body can hold up.  I'm going through some pretty physical stuff this week.  

Baby Stuff::::

I have my first appointment tomorrow for an internal ultra sound to check how my eggs are doing.  That ultra sound will be the determining factor for Clomid, as it's my understanding of how it all works.  I'm feeling nervous and anxious and just all around unsure of the whole process as I have never been through this.  

I find myself praying randomly throughout the day for peace and comfort.  I pray for the child that will result of all this long processing and that he/she will be perfect in every way God has intended them to be.  I pray for guidance, that we will be able to do our best at showing who God is and the abounding love that only He can bring.  I keep praying for patience through this process and I keep asking to feel God around me.  I keep thanking Him everyday for strength and His love and His promises to us.  

The next couple of weeks are going to be rough....there will be a lot of anxiousness and praying and seeking.  I love that despite all of this going on, I get to walk this journey with Justin.  I wouldn't ask for it any other way.    

What are you grateful for?

As most of you know, I have been in therapy for the last 4 months or so.  This week, it will be the first time in those 4 months where I won't be going, due to so much going on and planned for the week.  A few weeks ago, my therapist (whom I love so much, and she totally gets me!) gave me my "homework" and she wanted  me to say 3 things that I was grateful for every day. I thought....I can do this.  I think it will make me a more positive person.

Justin and I have been wanting to deepen our relationship with each other and God.  I think it's every Christian married couples dream and intention to pray together every day. It has been something Justin and I have wanted to do, but have let everything under the sun get in our way of it.  When I came home from my appointment that day, I told him about what my therapist wanted me to do.  So we decided together that we would share what our 3 things that we are grateful for, and then pray together.  So far, so good.  We have really been blessed through this process.  I  feel like we are growing and I feel like we are rooted deeper into each other through this process.  I don't know how long it will last, but I do know I'm going to relish in this moment that we have and thank God for Justin every chance I can.

What are you grateful for lately?

And the Results........

I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting to hear how our doctors appointment went yesterday.  We still have a lot of questions but have some definite clear answers now.  I was feeling really nervous and couldn't sleep the night before our appointment.  I told Justin as we got off the exit, how I just felt really nervous and anxious.  I just felt like something was off.  

SO, we sit down with our doctor and she starts to go over our test results that we have accumulated over the last month or so.  The dye test went great, everything was clear, even though I small Fallopian tubes, she said it all looked great.  She said my testosterone levels were slightly elevated...um what? And my Estrogen levels were borderline...But that I'm okay.  Umm what?  Do you know the craziness I've been through for the last couple months?  HELLO! Her resolve was for me to drastically change my diet: 

No Carbs, No Sugar, No Caffeine,  No Chocolate, To drink TONS of water and take 100mg of Vitamin B6 and 50 mg of Zinc a day on top of a prenatal Vitamin.  OKAY I can do this.....Maybe. No, I have to!  Wait, did she really say.......

 NO CHOCOLATE OR SUGAR?

I THINK, MY LIFE IS OVER! 

No in all honesty, it is totally doable if it's going to help with all my crazy symptoms, then I'm all in. 

She was definitely more concerned with Justin's test results.  He did two tests and on the second one they had to send it out to Loma Linda for additional testing.  She went over all the numbers and what that means. Basically Justin's swimmers don't have enough pep in their step to do the job.  There aren't enough of them nor are there enough of the strong ones to get through. 

Basically according to his first set of test results, the only way we would be able to get pregnant would be through IVF.....(gulp, jaw hit the floor at this moment.)

WAIT, WHAT?!?

Then she proceeded to say that based upon his second set of test results, which the "specialist test" came back good from Loma Linda, she said that IUI (artificial insemination) would be our best bet.

PHEW! 

Okay.  So then, she started on our game plan....ughhh okay.  It was all a bit fast, but we understood everything that she said.  

Life wasn't supposed to happen like this.  THIS was not the way it was supposed to go.  When I signed up to be a grown up and got married, this wasn't in my contract! Your telling me without a miracle from God, we can't get pregnant naturally?  No, No, no.....this wasn't in my plan.  Exactly.....MY plan.  God, He has a different plan.  Probably a much better one than me.  

We definitely came out of the appointment in shock. We felt like we weren't expecting what she said.  We know God's got this.  We know He has a perfect plan.

We are going to be praying earnestly for peace and confirmation that this is where God wants our life to go.  We need your help with prayer for that exact thing.  Thanks for taking this journey with us and we appreciate you.  

Checking In......Working Out Update......

So Wed I set off to do the C25K jog and it turned out, I just wasn't there mentally to start.  So I decided to start yesterday.  I was talking myself up all day, reading Mama Laughlin's blog which you can read here, and generally having an awesome feeling about starting fresh and making it count.  I came home, changed, got my phone set up with music and all that jazz and I went.  

Now, my parents live in a hilly part of Glendora and I needed to get up a hill to the main road so I could do the jogging on somewhat of a flatter incline. So as I near the street that is flat, I'm rounding the corner and my 5 minute warm up is done and it beeps at me to start jogging.....OKAY! Lets' go! 

My first goal in this process was to run the full 60 seconds.  Now let me tell you how hard it is to jog with an additional 80 pounds on your person.  YES! I said 80 pounds.  That is what I have done to myself the last 5 years of marriage.  Back to running....I did it! I finished the first 60 seconds and I thought to myself...really? that's it???? I couldn't believe that 60 seconds had passed and I did it! I mean I really did it! 

So I started to proceed to walk like the program told me.  And while I was walking I realized my pants were falling down....I was like crap...there it is.  There is that one thing that is going to ruin this for me.  I just want to do this without anything stopping me.  So then it beeped again for me to start jogging once again.  I set off....then the inevitable happened.....

MY PANTS FELL DOWN TO YOU KNOW WHERE>>>>>>>>>>>>

literally my pants had fallen down and I was almost showing lady parts....Praise the Lord for long tank tops.................

So I stopped running. Paused the program, tried to discreetly "fix" myself, and I kept walking.  I tried to jog again, and the same thing happened.  Dragt! 

SO i cranked up my music and fast walked the rest of the way home.  

I was so disappointed........but! yes there is a but! I was encouraged because for the first time in YEARS, I had gone and exercised by myself.  Yup, all on my lonesome.  I know this may come as a shock........and your asking yourself uhhh amber, that's great, but why is that so great?  People do it all the time?  

Well, if you know me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a while now.  I've been doing therapy for the past 4 months and it has been wonderful.  I haven't had to go on any meds.  I still have my up and down days for sure.  But for the first time in quite sometime...I'm starting to feel like myself again.  The girl who know's how to have fun, instead of worrying about EVERYTHING and the outcome of it.  The girl who is carefree and doesn't have a panic attack over things that I cannot control.  

*I'm going to be very blunt and honest here*

Ever since I got married, I always thought felt that I was loosing myself in my marriage because that's just what happens. I wasn't happy with myself and who I was.  I thought it was circumstantial and I was totally consumed with Justin.  Well I was WRONG.  The real reason was because I was getting fat and unhappy with myself.  I couldn't see that because I was in denial.  Complete denial.  I was gaining weight at a pretty fast rate, I mean 80 lbs in 5 years.  That's ALOT.  I hated who I was in the mirror. I hated that I couldn't keep up and that I was tired. All. the. time.  I thought it was me loosing myself to my marriage when in fact, I was loosing myself to me.  But I digress......

I'm excited to get back at it today after work.  

I have an email in to my favorite blog Mama Laughlin, and asked her what she wore when she was heavier and started running.  I have never done that either, because I guess a part of me thought it was weird.  lol.  

I'll keep you guys updated! 

We have our appointment on Monday to find out test results and for our doctor to go over everything with us and maybe find out a game plan.  

*Have a great weekend all! 

}, Amber