Checking In......Working Out Update......

So Wed I set off to do the C25K jog and it turned out, I just wasn't there mentally to start.  So I decided to start yesterday.  I was talking myself up all day, reading Mama Laughlin's blog which you can read here, and generally having an awesome feeling about starting fresh and making it count.  I came home, changed, got my phone set up with music and all that jazz and I went.  

Now, my parents live in a hilly part of Glendora and I needed to get up a hill to the main road so I could do the jogging on somewhat of a flatter incline. So as I near the street that is flat, I'm rounding the corner and my 5 minute warm up is done and it beeps at me to start jogging.....OKAY! Lets' go! 

My first goal in this process was to run the full 60 seconds.  Now let me tell you how hard it is to jog with an additional 80 pounds on your person.  YES! I said 80 pounds.  That is what I have done to myself the last 5 years of marriage.  Back to running....I did it! I finished the first 60 seconds and I thought to myself...really? that's it???? I couldn't believe that 60 seconds had passed and I did it! I mean I really did it! 

So I started to proceed to walk like the program told me.  And while I was walking I realized my pants were falling down....I was like crap...there it is.  There is that one thing that is going to ruin this for me.  I just want to do this without anything stopping me.  So then it beeped again for me to start jogging once again.  I set off....then the inevitable happened.....

MY PANTS FELL DOWN TO YOU KNOW WHERE>>>>>>>>>>>>

literally my pants had fallen down and I was almost showing lady parts....Praise the Lord for long tank tops.................

So I stopped running. Paused the program, tried to discreetly "fix" myself, and I kept walking.  I tried to jog again, and the same thing happened.  Dragt! 

SO i cranked up my music and fast walked the rest of the way home.  

I was so disappointed........but! yes there is a but! I was encouraged because for the first time in YEARS, I had gone and exercised by myself.  Yup, all on my lonesome.  I know this may come as a shock........and your asking yourself uhhh amber, that's great, but why is that so great?  People do it all the time?  

Well, if you know me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a while now.  I've been doing therapy for the past 4 months and it has been wonderful.  I haven't had to go on any meds.  I still have my up and down days for sure.  But for the first time in quite sometime...I'm starting to feel like myself again.  The girl who know's how to have fun, instead of worrying about EVERYTHING and the outcome of it.  The girl who is carefree and doesn't have a panic attack over things that I cannot control.  

*I'm going to be very blunt and honest here*

Ever since I got married, I always thought felt that I was loosing myself in my marriage because that's just what happens. I wasn't happy with myself and who I was.  I thought it was circumstantial and I was totally consumed with Justin.  Well I was WRONG.  The real reason was because I was getting fat and unhappy with myself.  I couldn't see that because I was in denial.  Complete denial.  I was gaining weight at a pretty fast rate, I mean 80 lbs in 5 years.  That's ALOT.  I hated who I was in the mirror. I hated that I couldn't keep up and that I was tired. All. the. time.  I thought it was me loosing myself to my marriage when in fact, I was loosing myself to me.  But I digress......

I'm excited to get back at it today after work.  

I have an email in to my favorite blog Mama Laughlin, and asked her what she wore when she was heavier and started running.  I have never done that either, because I guess a part of me thought it was weird.  lol.  

I'll keep you guys updated! 

We have our appointment on Monday to find out test results and for our doctor to go over everything with us and maybe find out a game plan.  

*Have a great weekend all! 

}, Amber