And the Results........

I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting to hear how our doctors appointment went yesterday.  We still have a lot of questions but have some definite clear answers now.  I was feeling really nervous and couldn't sleep the night before our appointment.  I told Justin as we got off the exit, how I just felt really nervous and anxious.  I just felt like something was off.  

SO, we sit down with our doctor and she starts to go over our test results that we have accumulated over the last month or so.  The dye test went great, everything was clear, even though I small Fallopian tubes, she said it all looked great.  She said my testosterone levels were slightly elevated...um what? And my Estrogen levels were borderline...But that I'm okay.  Umm what?  Do you know the craziness I've been through for the last couple months?  HELLO! Her resolve was for me to drastically change my diet: 

No Carbs, No Sugar, No Caffeine,  No Chocolate, To drink TONS of water and take 100mg of Vitamin B6 and 50 mg of Zinc a day on top of a prenatal Vitamin.  OKAY I can do this.....Maybe. No, I have to!  Wait, did she really say.......

 NO CHOCOLATE OR SUGAR?

I THINK, MY LIFE IS OVER! 

No in all honesty, it is totally doable if it's going to help with all my crazy symptoms, then I'm all in. 

She was definitely more concerned with Justin's test results.  He did two tests and on the second one they had to send it out to Loma Linda for additional testing.  She went over all the numbers and what that means. Basically Justin's swimmers don't have enough pep in their step to do the job.  There aren't enough of them nor are there enough of the strong ones to get through. 

Basically according to his first set of test results, the only way we would be able to get pregnant would be through IVF.....(gulp, jaw hit the floor at this moment.)

WAIT, WHAT?!?

Then she proceeded to say that based upon his second set of test results, which the "specialist test" came back good from Loma Linda, she said that IUI (artificial insemination) would be our best bet.

PHEW! 

Okay.  So then, she started on our game plan....ughhh okay.  It was all a bit fast, but we understood everything that she said.  

Life wasn't supposed to happen like this.  THIS was not the way it was supposed to go.  When I signed up to be a grown up and got married, this wasn't in my contract! Your telling me without a miracle from God, we can't get pregnant naturally?  No, No, no.....this wasn't in my plan.  Exactly.....MY plan.  God, He has a different plan.  Probably a much better one than me.  

We definitely came out of the appointment in shock. We felt like we weren't expecting what she said.  We know God's got this.  We know He has a perfect plan.

We are going to be praying earnestly for peace and confirmation that this is where God wants our life to go.  We need your help with prayer for that exact thing.  Thanks for taking this journey with us and we appreciate you.  

Checking In......Working Out Update......

So Wed I set off to do the C25K jog and it turned out, I just wasn't there mentally to start.  So I decided to start yesterday.  I was talking myself up all day, reading Mama Laughlin's blog which you can read here, and generally having an awesome feeling about starting fresh and making it count.  I came home, changed, got my phone set up with music and all that jazz and I went.  

Now, my parents live in a hilly part of Glendora and I needed to get up a hill to the main road so I could do the jogging on somewhat of a flatter incline. So as I near the street that is flat, I'm rounding the corner and my 5 minute warm up is done and it beeps at me to start jogging.....OKAY! Lets' go! 

My first goal in this process was to run the full 60 seconds.  Now let me tell you how hard it is to jog with an additional 80 pounds on your person.  YES! I said 80 pounds.  That is what I have done to myself the last 5 years of marriage.  Back to running....I did it! I finished the first 60 seconds and I thought to myself...really? that's it???? I couldn't believe that 60 seconds had passed and I did it! I mean I really did it! 

So I started to proceed to walk like the program told me.  And while I was walking I realized my pants were falling down....I was like crap...there it is.  There is that one thing that is going to ruin this for me.  I just want to do this without anything stopping me.  So then it beeped again for me to start jogging once again.  I set off....then the inevitable happened.....

MY PANTS FELL DOWN TO YOU KNOW WHERE>>>>>>>>>>>>

literally my pants had fallen down and I was almost showing lady parts....Praise the Lord for long tank tops.................

So I stopped running. Paused the program, tried to discreetly "fix" myself, and I kept walking.  I tried to jog again, and the same thing happened.  Dragt! 

SO i cranked up my music and fast walked the rest of the way home.  

I was so disappointed........but! yes there is a but! I was encouraged because for the first time in YEARS, I had gone and exercised by myself.  Yup, all on my lonesome.  I know this may come as a shock........and your asking yourself uhhh amber, that's great, but why is that so great?  People do it all the time?  

Well, if you know me, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for a while now.  I've been doing therapy for the past 4 months and it has been wonderful.  I haven't had to go on any meds.  I still have my up and down days for sure.  But for the first time in quite sometime...I'm starting to feel like myself again.  The girl who know's how to have fun, instead of worrying about EVERYTHING and the outcome of it.  The girl who is carefree and doesn't have a panic attack over things that I cannot control.  

*I'm going to be very blunt and honest here*

Ever since I got married, I always thought felt that I was loosing myself in my marriage because that's just what happens. I wasn't happy with myself and who I was.  I thought it was circumstantial and I was totally consumed with Justin.  Well I was WRONG.  The real reason was because I was getting fat and unhappy with myself.  I couldn't see that because I was in denial.  Complete denial.  I was gaining weight at a pretty fast rate, I mean 80 lbs in 5 years.  That's ALOT.  I hated who I was in the mirror. I hated that I couldn't keep up and that I was tired. All. the. time.  I thought it was me loosing myself to my marriage when in fact, I was loosing myself to me.  But I digress......

I'm excited to get back at it today after work.  

I have an email in to my favorite blog Mama Laughlin, and asked her what she wore when she was heavier and started running.  I have never done that either, because I guess a part of me thought it was weird.  lol.  

I'll keep you guys updated! 

We have our appointment on Monday to find out test results and for our doctor to go over everything with us and maybe find out a game plan.  

*Have a great weekend all! 

}, Amber

I'm an IDIOT....You're and IDIOT....(from The Grinch)

I know what you are thinking.....twice in one day!

I just needed to put this out there.

It's human knowledge that you need to drink 8 glasses min, of water a day.


Well this human doesn't.  I LOATH WATER! Seriously.....I hate the stuff...I'm a water snob and I hate arrowhead, it takes like sewer.

Today I have successfully gulped down 8 glasses of water before 5p.m. mind you! and i feel.....

FANTASTIC! 

My mom and I are going to go walking when we get home from work and I'm hoping I can talk her into doing the C25K app with me.  I've been wanting to start it so bad.......Today is the day! 

I feel like part of my fog I have been in has lifted.  I feel like I have energy as opposed to wanting to go home and sleep.  

I know you have to drink water. It's good for you, it's what we need to live on.  I'm just stubborn I guess and retarded.  Good bye soda, juice, everything....HELLO H2O! 

It's the start of the last time I start this again.......

What does that mean, you ask?  

Well, I'm sick.  I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I do.  I'm sick of having 0 energy, aches and pains, and not feeling good about myself!  

I'm DONE! Did you hear that? DONE!

Justin and I went shopping last night for "Clean" eating, and I was pleasantly surprised that our bill was less than what we would normally spend.

We got so many good things, I feel excited to be eating them and how my body will respond to eating such things. I'm going walking tonight before small group and I'm learning you just have to do it when you can.  I won't walk when it's super dark by myself because we now live in the Foothills and there are a ton of wild animals.  Especially Coyotes! Um No thanks! 

I'm going to commit to setting myself up for success, meaning, I will prep my food and stay on top of that.  I will commit to exercising 3 to 4 times a week.  

Nothing will ever change, if I don't make it change. I will stay the same if I don't change it.  

I want to be healthy, I want to love myself, I want to like who I am.

I will start progression picture and do them every 10 pounds.

My goal is to loose 20 lbs. and go from there.  Am I giving myself a time stamp?  No, because I don't want to fail.  I know that if I'm not loosing 1 lb a week, then something is wrong and I'm not going hard enough. Healthy is the goal here, not skinny. I need to get the weight off if I am going to get pregnant. 

I know all this. 

Thanks for taking this journey with me! 

~loves~  

Our not so new, new desk!

I thought I would take a break from everything else and share with you our amazing find this weekend! Justin has been wanting a desk where we can set up the lap top and printer so he can do his schooling.  Mind you, he's doing a 100% online bachelors degree and that's a lot of sitting.  Which is really good for him right now, since he still cannot bare weight on his foot.  

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*UPDATE ON JUSTIN* 

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So we were driving by this cute little thrift shop here in town, called New Unto Others.  It is an awesome place to donate because they have a TON of charities that they give a percentage of their earnings to.  So we were on the hunt for a desk.  They had a ton of stuff sitting in the parking lot so I thought we could just stop by and swing in.  I immediately found this:

 I didn't get a good before picture as this is shown without the drawers and I have already sanded it down.  

What it actually is, is an old sewing machine table! and the detail on it, is just divine! 

Get this! We bought the table for $16 bucks! It was $20 and then because it was outside it was an additional 25% off! Can't complain.  We spend an additional $25 bucks on supplies.  

Now we had been looking for a desk that was just the right size for a while now.  The ones at IKEA were ok, but none fit the bill just right.  Then we found one at Target and it was perfect and cheap and $60.  I still wasn't sold on spending $60.  

So then we found this!   

So all in all we spent $41.  Yes it took some leg work and muscles, but it's exactly what I had in my head! 

I am not done with it but I'll show you some progress pictures and I'll show you the final product when I am done with it.  Enjoy! 

 As you can see the top is where the sewing machine would have been.  We will reinforce under neath with wood so it won't be unstable to write on it.  

These are the drawers! They look lighter because the room was brighter! 

Have a great day everyone! 

Trust. Faith. Promise.

Today I write with a heavy heart.  No we haven't heard any news, but I also feel very heavy today.  I write because it's therapy for me.  I write to feel  like I can put it out there without feeling like I am burdening someone else with my problems.  I don't want to be THAT woman.  I write to put my heart on my sleeve.  I write....because I love to.  

I want to TRUST God.  I want to be able to say that I, with reckless abandoned, TRUST God 110%. But the truth of the matter is, I don't.  And It's not that God is not trust worthy, and it's not like He has EVER done anything to loose my trust.  I, as a human being, feel like I can't trust in God's promises.  Being a Christian is so hard.  Walking and trusting and believing blindly, is a hard impossible thing to do.  It's like if I were to drive a car while being blind, it is IMPOSSIBLE! I would crash and die.  

Looking to the One who is our Healer, our Leader, the Lover of our soul is so hard when things get so hard.  Some days I just don't even want to get out of bed.  Some days I want to just throw my hands up and scream.  Some days, I want to just give up.  I think about what Trust really is and what is really means.  It's within me.  It's how I choose to live my life according to what the Bible says.  I choose to Trust in those words.  I choose to Love God. And I Fail on all those every. single. day.  I know He will always be there without fail.  He is omnipresent.  It's my lack of Faith in him to trust Him.  

That is pretty heavy.  

That is not something any Christian wants to openly admit.  But in all honesty?  Its real.  

Being a Christian means to constantly find connection with our maker.  To openly cry out for help when your storm is raging.  To TRUST, that God will pull you through and you won't sink.  I want to have that Trust.  I try to seek Him everyday.  To Trust Him more and more everyday.  But there will be days when I just can't. And that is okay.  God loves me for who I am.  I am a Sinner. I am human.  I'm super lame sometimes.  I will always go back.  I will always seek him.  

God PROMISES to never leave us.  He has so many wonderful promises that reassure me everyday.  In my human nature, I want to push away and not believe those promises.  The enemy wants us to not believe them.  He wants us so far away from Trusting God, that we push away.  I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED.  

I want to be so in love with God, that my soul yearns for Him.  I want to be moved by God.  He is everything.  He's all I want, all I need, and that, is ENOUGH. 

We are in the midst of a pretty heavy, rocky storm.  There are so many elements being thrown into our storm, that I feel like the sun will never rise.  But I am going to CHOOSE to trust God in bringing us through them.  I am going to CHOOSE to have that Faith like a child to be able to see clearly what God wants for our lives.  He is the maker, healer, provider for all of our needs.  I choose to love Him with reckless abandoned.  He is my everything.  He is my God.  He is my HOPE.

Picture from worshipgifs.tumblr

Update!

Hello Everyone!

I just wanted to say hi and let you all know that our appointment has been moved to August 12.  We won't know anymore until then.  Thank you for the prayers and thoughts and we have been feeling them.  We know you have been placed in our lives for a reason and we love you all.   I hope you all have a great weekend.

-Amber