Belize

As many of you know, me and the hubs are heading out on a Mission's Trip on the 11th of February! We are so very excited and cannot wait to share this experience together.  I have to say though, my heart is a little heavy going into it.  I know we are not going into the most impoverishment part of Africa or India, but I think I'm still not prepared for what I will experience there.  Knowing the fact that I have never been anywhere besides Canada and Ensenada, Mexico (Honeymoon).   My mom went on this exact trip last year, and I know she came back a different person from it.  I'm just not prepared for poverty and the bad things that come along with that.  I'm actually not sure what to expect.  Despite everything, I know i have a soft heart and a tendency to get emotional over the smallest stuff.

I guess my prayer is that God will use me somehow while we are there.  I think it's safe to say that I need to be stretched in my faith and I really need to be jarred back to God.  Lately I have felt so distant from Him and that is my own fault.  God is always there.  He never leaves US.  Me not feeling connected with Him, lacks alot of things that I have always struggled with in my walk with my Father.   I feel that way about my relationships as well.  I fall short when it comes to being a good friend, wife, daughter.  I'm not sure what it is that holds me back and makes me bottle up.   I definitely have hobbit tenancies.   If that makes any sense.

This is what I think of when I think Jungle...

..But, I'm pretty sure that will be much different! I will post pictures when we get back of what we saw!

We are also going here, On our day of excursions!

Yup, we get to go see Mayan ruins. I am actually stoked about that part! And then we will kayak down a river! How cool! I just hope i'm in good enough shape for this! ugh! slacking......

I know this will be an amazing experience that will fly by too fast.  Being out of the country alone, makes me nervous.  But, I know this is where God wants me.  I want Him to guide my life, not me guiding my life.   It's hard getting caught up in the day to day monotonousness mess of life.  It becomes this pattern that you can't break free from.  I pray that I spend more time with Him, and more time reading His word.

This week needs to be over!

Do you ever feel like everyone in the world HATES you? Welcome to my life at the moment.  I feel like I can't say or do the right thing, to make anyone happy.  When I say something it comes across wrong.  When I do something it's not right.  I'm sick and tired of being walked on! Certain people in my life ( who will remain nameless) just make me totally feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them other wise I can't do or say anything correctly.  Why do I spend so much time and energy making sure other people are happy, Why can't I be happy?

God is a huge rely on source for me.  Without Him, I am nothing.  It is so hard to look past that sometimes and to get so caught up in life.  I find myself, giving myself a reality check in order to realize what really matters.  I'm just feeling tired.   Tired of making everyone happy.  GOD I DON"T KNOW HOW TO NOT DO IT! HELP!

I've said it on Facebook, and I will say it again, I cannot wait for this week to be over! i can't wait to be seeing my brother and sister in law, and my nephew! And! to top it all off, I get to spend New Years with some of our best friends! Needless to say, We cannot wait for this vacation!

Today is Today, Tomorrow is Tomorrow.....

Over the last couple months I have started to realize just how much my anxiety and stress over ALL the little things, is causing me to have such bad health issues.  I've had to be put on anti-anxiety meds, depression meds, started going to the chiropractor, and just had to deal with really bad headaches.  So lately I have really come to terms with said saying, "Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow."  It's time to let GO, and let GOD.  For real this time!
I feel like I have been trying to let other people, medication, excuses fix me in some strange way that I can't even explain.  I've been riddling myself with excuses of why things are happening to me, when under  my own nose, I am the one that can fix all of it.  I just need to 1). Start working out 2). Start giving everything I have over to my heavenly Father 3). Start taking ownership of myself. 4) Just start living!

* Once I got married, I think I let everything in life get in my way of having fun! I seriously can't relax, and just have fun! I used to be able to do it all the time! I think now it's going to be part of letting go.  I need to realize, I do have purpose, I do matter, and people actually do care.  I need to put my family first and realize that Justin and I are a family and having a child will not make us a family.  Having a child will bring an addition to our family.  I've been through a lot in my life, more so emotionally.    But those things, don't make me who I am today.  I am what I make of it.

So as of today, I have weened myself off my anti anxiety med's, handing it over to God and being thankful for what I have, I've been owning myself and decisions more, and feeling a sense of freedom.  I'm thankful for the people who have stuck by my side and uplifted me.  You know who you are!

*Loves

Long time, No Blog....

I have missed you all.  It's definitely been a while since I last posted anything,  mostly to the fact that all that has been going on is health issues.  I have been dealing with migraines lately, and let me tell you, they are not fun! at all! The doc has been trying to figure out med's for me.  I also see a neurologist next week. I am hoping that we will find some answers there.  These days I have been feeling pretty blah, and it's really showing.  I cannot get motivated to go to the gym, I don't have much energy to do anything.
In the midst of it all I am trying to be really optomistic and see what God is doing through me and in me.  I'm trying to see what is going to positively come out of this? Is it to make me stronger, to meet someone to share Him with that person, or what?! Is it to make Justin and I stronger and to help make our relationship stronger, I just don't know.  All I do know is I have amazing people by my side and Justin has been amazing through it all.
I know I need to get healthy.  I am at my worst right now.  Healthy wise, weight wise too, but my focus is more on my health at the moment.  I need to get rid of the headaches or find the root cause.  I need to learn how to manage them appropriately.  I feel that my sinusitis is somewhat under control.  I think since I was on the steroid, it has been better.  I just need to continually take really good care of that.  I need to start putting myself first.  I know that when I have other things to focus on, I focus on that and not me.  Well I need to stop being lazy when it comes to my health.  I am lazy, and I hate it! I'm done with it.  I just have to do it, and it's not going to get any easier.

I love watching the biggest looser, because I see these people and I can relate to what they feel, and how hard it is for them.  I know their struggles with food, and being tired because you are over weight.  I get it! I'm there.  I'm heavier than some of those girls on there! SO i know if they can, I can.  It's just a matter of staying motivated, and making lifestyle changes.   This is what I want.  That is the life I always wanted: healthy, active, peaceful.  Right now I am the exact opposite! So baby steps to where I need to be with getting there.   

Thankfulness

My new challenge to myself with going through this rough patch, is trying to find thankfulness in all that I do, say, see, hear.  Among all of my health stuff going on and trying to change my attitude right along side all of that, I have been feeling so down  and can't get out of it.  I remember seeing something that my sister-in-law Jenn posted one day about Thankfulness and Attitude.  It has really reemed me hard in the head and in the heart.  God wants us to gives thanks! and praise His name for all we have! Amongst ALL my annoying complaining, I was drowing out how greatful I am for things. 

I find myself daily talking to God now, and just giving him a laundry list of things I'm thankful for.  I tell Him why I am so thankful for the things I pray about.  I feel like my heart is starting to change as well.  This week one verse has really stuck with me, Philippeans 4:6 "Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, give your requests to God."  Now, I know this verse is saying to give everything to God because His hands are in all we do, but I also find this verse to be a reminder that as much as God wants us to give everything to Him, we need to THANK Him for EVERYTHING! God loves a greatful heart. 

I know Thanksgiving is coming up, so I challenge you all to start today until Thanksgiving, (maybe it will stick longer) to Thank Him for anything and everything.  See how your outlook on life changes a tad. 

Blessings on all of you!

Thanks for listening. 

Uphill Battle....

So..It's been a few weeks, I think since my last post. There's been alot going on with me health wise, and I'm still in the small uphill battle with it, but I'm almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

For the past 2 years, I've been struggling with Choric Sinusitis.  It started as acute and went to Chronic.  This has meant countless headaches and migranes, pain to the touch in my face, being overly tired from my body trying to fight it, countless amount of anti-biotics and major pain meds to cope with the headaches.  I recently was FINALLY referred to an ENT.  This next week I will go on a steroid to see if it will help my sinus lining reduce down.  It is thickened and causing some of the stress.   Hopefully that will work. 

My other problem I am currently dealing with is Anxiety.  I just went to the doctor yesterday and I was having a random anxiety attack, and it completely affected my blood pressure.  They couldn't get a good reading on it, due to it.  I am taking all the necessary steps to help myself control it.  I have group classes, and I will be seeing a counselor.  I'm starting to feel better as time goes on, now that I'm aware of what the problem really is, i'm finding that I can breathe through it a little better.  I have NO CLUE as to what set this off.  It's progressively gotten worse over the last while, so I feel like there is some end in sight. 

I started reading a book called, "Lord, change my attitude before it's too late."  I got it from my sister in law Jenn, who is going through the bible study part of the book with her women's group.  It looked interesting, since I'm  really struggling with my attitude lately, so I bought it.  Boy have I already gotten so much out of it! I'm in love with this book.  The author, who is also a pastor, puts thing into the clearest perspective.  I feel like this book was written just for me! (which is so not true) or maybe it was.  God is so amazing, I'm finding just how real God is, and just how much He HATES complaining which is something I do VERY well.  I have always thought myself to be a God fearing woman, but I really wasn't.  Now I am.   I am more in love with God now than I ever have been.  I want to please Him, not disappoint Him by my bad choices or my bad attitude.  I want to be thanful for everything I have from Him, not complain about every little thing. 

Today I am so thankful for friends and family,, who has steadily supported me through this process.  It is wasn't for you, I wouldn't have thet strength to do it.  I thankful that our God is a God of healing, and LOVE!

Favies

Seeing as it is MONDAY and I absolutely despise MONDAY, I have decided to write about some of my favorite things.

One of my newest favorite things that make my <3 just got pitter pat, is



I have been so inspired and have really started dreaming and using my imagination again.  My crafty side is coming out again, and it really make me feel rejuvenated.  I now feel like instead of buying something new, I can rejuvenate it with something!

My next favorite thing...is more really like a person.   She is:

She has really become one of my favorite bloggers, and her food we have often in our household.  Honestly the more I read her blog and get to know her, I feel like she is one of my gal pals and we talk about everything and she totally get's my wacky ways..

I mean doesn't she just look like the nicest lady you have ever met in your life! 

So with that being said, she really does make some amazing food! And to top it all, I really feel like I live on the ranch where she live.   I know that' s a bit creepy, but it's the TRUTH!   

Another thing that I absolutely love is what I like to call ocean breezeeeeeeeeeeeeee................

This past weekend we were celebrating my nephew Silas McCormick's dedication with the fam bam, and up where they live in Oxnard, they get the most delicious ocean breeze.  It is rejuvenating and delicious.  It makes me feel like this...

yup i feel like a reed swaying in the wind.......

I'll update you on my favorite things....but for now those are just some.