One year later

I was sitting at my desk this morning at work, and I started to think how fast this year has gone by, especially the last 5 months.  As we finished up October and head into November, I'm reminded that one year ago, we started our TTC journey.  Well actually we started at the beginning of October.  After going through 3 months of Fertility meds, pokes and stabs, emotions and tears, I'm not really sure how I feel.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions of the process.  Like I've stated in previous posts, I'm so thankful for the process.  I've learned that I'm a pessimistic person.  Someone I never wanted to be.  It could be that we've been through 2 months and no results and currently waiting for our 3rd.  I want to stay hopeful and I want to be peppy about it, and so far, I think I have been.  It has taken every fiber in my being to do so, but I did it.  As of today, I'm feeling pretty negative about it all.  It's never going to work, I feel like I'm not pregnant this month(mind you, it's only been 3 days since our IUI).  I want to be joyful and happy and optimistic because that is the person I want to be.  Then, my feelings and emotions start to take over, and I sink.  It's not causing me to tidal wave into depression again, but I just feel defeated.  I know the enemy wants that from me.  I know he wants me to feel sad, and depressed, and defeated.  This week I will find Joy.  Going through ups and down's is not fun.  Being consistent is great and needed.  It's kinda been my life being an adult those up's and down's emotionally.  Sometimes it's easier to just ignore it, so I do.  Despite all my up's and down's one thing I know for sure, God loves me, He hears me, He knows my heart, and even though I might not always cry out to Him, He's always there holding me in his hands.