Overwhelmed

Today is a weird day weather wise....as I sit at my desk and look outside, the clouds are covering the bright blue sky that is just yearning to shine through.  It's a pretty quiet morning in the office and as I sit here typing and cruising around the internet world, I find myself in a state of peace.  I feel an overwhelming sense of peacefulness and happiness.  I feel like my life is starting to unfold before my eyes and I just can't help but sit back and smile.  For the first time in a while LONG time, I feel almost content.  I feel secure.  I feel....HAPPY.   I feel happy about what my life is and what it could be.  I feel happy because although my life is NOT ideal, it's beautifully and wonderfully designed by a High King whom my soul LOVES.  I feel overwhelmed at the fact that HE loves me so much he has brought me to this place of wonder and has secured our life with wonderful things.   

.:HOPEFUL:.

I feel there is HOPE for the first time in a long time, that we will be progressing forward with life instead of just sitting and waiting.  Wait, what were we waiting for?  Waiting to start a family?  Waiting for everything to be perfect?  Waiting to be financially secure?  In all honesty, I think we were waiting for those things and they weren't coming.  Like....at all.  I think Justin's accident has really jolted us both into a frame of mind where we are done waiting and with things just sort of happening in the last couple months, we see God and He is walking right beside us.  I know He is ALWAYS right there, but I have never felt Him more than now. All the things I was struggling with, and all the things Justin was struggling with, not so much there anymore.  We may have new struggles, but God has brought us through this far...He's going to see us through.  

I'm so thankful for the word, HOPEFUL.  For without it where would this world be.....

more so....where would I be?  

A new Journey for the Gerharts......

Hey Guys,

Yup its officially been a millennium since I've written a single word on this page.  But that is about to change, because we have some pretty heavy stuff going on in our lives at the moment.

Let me fill you in on the back story of all this.

At the beginning of June, June 2 to be exact, while Justin was working and getting ready for a blood drive he rolled his ankle and completely blew it out. Fast forward to over a month later, 2 surgeries, a pair of crutches, a wheelchair, and a boot named Frank, we are now in the healing process.  Justin will be off work for another couple months and it's all just up in the air.  Mean while we had to move in with my mom and dad because a 2nd story apt just wouldn't do with Frank... We are planning on staying for a year to start saving money and getting out of a little more debt.  Hopefully next year will be a year of amazing things!

We have been officially trying to get pregnant now for 10 months, with no result.  I have been off of birth control since October of 2011 and in September of 2012 we started to actively try to get preggers.  We had one month where I was 5 days late and our hopes were up and then after going to the grocery store and buying a pregnancy test, I started my period when I got home.  After much praying and talking I decided to make a Dr. appt in January to see if I could get a hormone test or something to see if I was okay.  I hadn't been feeling right and my mood swings were astronomical and I just wasn't feeling like myself.  After said Dr. appt, I felt defeated.  She said because I was having a period every month that everything was fine and  I was "normal."  So I thought, okay she must know better than I.  A few more months past and things weren't changing.  I still wasn't getting prego and I was still feeling crazy.  My therapist advised me to push forward and get an infertility appt.  SO i did, and it was the best advice I've ever been given.

Which takes us to last week, Wednesday.

I had fought over the phone to get an appt and what basically got me the appt was the fact that I had been doing the ovulation tests for 3 months in a row with a negative result.  Justin and I both went in and I was absolutely dreading the appointment.  I thought they were going to berate me for being overweight, and laugh in my face because we haven't been trying a year..(apparently that's the golden number that will get someone to take you seriously)  BUT that wasn't the case at ALL!

We went in and met with the kindest doctor I've ever met.  She asked us a bunch of questions about our family history, how long we have been trying, and just general random questions about ourselves.  Then she ordered a bunch of tests for us.  I have been slowly getting my test results and although i'm not a dr., i have been looking them up and this is what I have concluded....

My testosterone is through the roof.  I have estrogen levels of that of a woman who should be pre-menopausal.  IF i'm reading these correctly than I will say yes that is what it is.  I will find out Friday if that is true or not.  I will also be having a test done where they insert dye into my uterus to see if I have a blockage of any kind.

Dr. Huffmann seems very proactive and by the way she was describing an over view of treatment, it seems like things should just move right along.

I'm nervous, hopeful, thankful, relieved, and just overall feeling blessed and this is right where God wants us. I know that He will meet us right where we are and I have never been more sure of His timing.  even through the raging storms, I know that this is where we are supposed to be.   I'm thankful for such a supportive husband who is crutching it right along side me and supporting me.  I couldn't be more thankful.

Trying to find my joy.....

Lately, I have seem to have misplaced something very valuable to my spirit....my Joy.  Lately, I feel like I've been on emotional roller coaster that I'm just not tall enough to go on.  Lately, I feel like the only thing holding me back from find my Joy, is myself.  I feel numb, I feel tired, and lately I feel like I could just burst into tears at any said moment.  But because I don't want to feel it, I don't, so I become numb once again.  I get teased because of how much I love kids.  My coworkers often tease me because they think I will steal a baby because I love them so much.  I talk of them often, more like everyday.  Why?  Because children and babies are so nieve to the world.  They are pure as well as is their Joy.  They see the world through crystal so clear, they can see Joy in everything.  The older I get, my joy is fogged by my glasses that I'm wearing.  I'm bogged down by the stresses of life.  Not being able to get pregnant when I want.  Not being out of debt when I want.  Life getting in the way of MY plans!

Well, let me be the first to say this.....My plans.....My plans.....they are NOT GOD'S plans.  My way may not be the right way.  When I start to loose my Joy, it's time to reevaluate why it's not there.  My glasses have fogged, my vision is blurred and I need to refocus my eyes on Him.  On Jesus.  My Savior. My God.

I want His plan for my life.  I want His time line of when we get out of debt.  I want Him to tell me if we are having kids and when.  I want to grasp that more than I want my next breath.  I want to be so wholly consumed by Him, my glasses are constantly clear, and I have faith like a child.

Having faith like a child.

Now you know why I love babies so much.  They are precious in His sight.

And so am I.  

Throw up session....you've been warned....

This post is just going to be me writing to get some things off my chest.  I need an outlet and writing is that for me.  I don't do it very often as of lately, so I need to do some unloading. It might not make sense to you, but those of you who actually read this and are close to me, might understand some of it.  

We all have our demons  we all have our ugly and things we don't share on the outside.  But sometimes, no matter what or how ugly it is, it can set you free to get it out.  

I won't change for you.  I am who I am and if your not OK with that, fine.  But don't try to change me.  No, I don't always say the right thing or make the right joke. My jokes are dumb and out of line.  I'm my fathers daughter.  I'm awkward and I don't always know what to say.  I get uncomfortable and moody.  


I just feel like my life is a mess and i know that life is work
i just have a hard time putting myself out there
its like i don't know where to start
i like to run.
when i don't know what to do or don't want to face something
i feel so off balance
i don't know why i feel like this
i don't understand
why can't i be carefree and balanced
and have all my ducks in a row
have a great relationship with God
and just be ok
i don't get it
words are just words but they can hurt so deep and so long. let me be who i am,
i am me....this is me. i'm not going to change for you
i won't conform to how you want me

i'm sorry if i'm not good enough

If i'm not good enough then where does that leave me? no where and nothing. I know i need to find the inner strength to grow and find myself. I feel like I don't even know who I am when i look in the mirror and i'm so far buried that i have no clue how to find myself. I hate being the downer of everyone. i hate the way it makes me feel like people are just my friend to feel sorry for me.

I know this sounds all sorts of crazy and I continue to care to much about what people think of me. I constantly analyze what they think of me and judge me for what I say. I feel like i have built this wall up around me in the form of fat, so that i can protect myself against certain things.

Praying to God and crying out works. I know it does, but when you exert so much energy to cry out and nothing in a physical form retaliates, its hard. its hard when God is physically silent. when all i want to hear him say is i love you and feel Him wrap His arms around me. I want to feel so close to Him that I cry out for thankfulness that He loves me so much and I can't even begin to understand why. I want my relationship with Him to be simple, and I feel like church sometimes makes it so complicated. You can do this and you can't do that or else you won't be saved. I want to just be me. I know that I can be, but then why do I feel bad about who I am? Why do I feel ashamed of my short comings. Why can't I be good enough? Why do I put so much worth in what others say or think? Can I get an erase button for my life and start again, and only keep the good parts? nope, sorry love, life doesn't work that way. I know I have to push through it and change. Change is good. Change is needed. I think it's time for change. But how? Where do I start?...

And the cycle begins all over again.........

Hello 2013!

So far 2013 has been a great year! We've been to a wedding, we've been on vacation to Seattle, we've seen lots of family and will continue to see lots of family.  One big thing for us that will be happening this year is.....We will be OUT OF DEBT! yup you heard right! I think i'm the most excited for that one.  It has been a 4 1/2 year process of getting out of debt for us.  Yup it's taken us a long time, but we did it! We survived lost jobs, sickness, and health throughout the last almost 5 years.  It's been a crazy ride, but we wouldn't have it any other way!

We are also making, or trying to make some huge adjustments in our day to day lives.  We started tithing this year for the first time in our marriage.  Why do I put it out there??? It's not something people talk about a whole lot, but seeing as we haven't done it for so long and we are just now starting to, calls for some rejoicing.  Here's why........We are still tight. We are not out of the woods financially yet.  We have to trust God that He will provide for us, despite us giving money to Him that we could be building our savings with and aren't.  I want to give it all to God, but I know we can't.  We have to live, but I know the importance of giving and sacrificing.  I want God to know I'm serious about giving him the reins.  I want to let go and let Him take charge of our lives.  For both Justin and I, this goes beyond stretching ourselves, its stretching ourselves spiritually as well.  I'm sure tithing is just that for most of you.  We are learning about margin right now at church. It's so eye opening and has really started to resound with Justin and myself.  I think of all the not responsible ways we are spending our money and what are we giving to God to further His kingdom... nothing....until yesterday when we started to tithe.  I actually feel peace about the whole thing.

We are starting to eat healthy and we are going to start jogging so that we can do a 5K in June.  We are determined to get in shape and get healthy and make the gym a part of our daily routine. It's definitely a struggle for myself.  I struggle with my mood and being in my head.  It's more about actually going through the process of something and being around other people.  Feeling like I might just fail the bar that I've raised so high for myself.  I know I just need to stop and just do it, but I just get so defeated which makes me feel so so weak.  It's a new year and a new day, I will take each one, one at a time. 

There's so much in this year that I want to accomplish.  I want to be a better, more intentional version of myself...which means saying yes to more of the good things in my life, and not just saying no because it sounds scary or its out of my comfort zone.  Being more intentional with my kindness and my words.  Making sure my words aren't affecting someone negatively.  It's super hard to make these changes, oh I know.  These are goals that I'm setting for myself.  Something that I want to gradually move forward onto.  I guess apart of that is not letting people effect me as much as they do.   Part of me needs to guard my heart against negative things and people.  Time for some positive pants, size everlasting! Yup, I'll take 10 pairs of those, thanks! 

I want to grow with God.  I want to be at a place where I feel good about my relationship with God and not constantly wondering if I'm okay with him.  I want to feel confident and connected.  That will only come from me.  I know that.  I need to find great ways to connect with him.  I find myself tearing up while I'm driving because I'm so thankful for everything that God has given Justin and I.  I find myself, in the midst of complaining(which I do ALOT) or just feeling really down in the dumps about our situation, that God has us right where HE wants us.  We are in "OUR" situation for a reason.  I might not always know what that is, BUT He is good and He is good all of the time. 

Another one of my goals for this year is to do more crafts.  It it is my outlet.  Creating things for my home or other people.  I would really love to start making birthday presents and such for others and just see how crafty  I can be.  I love pinterest for that exact thing! Thank you who ever made pinterest...you are a genious!

I hope you all have had a fabulous start to the new year so far! Best wishes and may God bless you all greatly this year!

Finding Peace through a Hurricane.....

It kinda sounds like an oxymoron.  No, it is an oxymoron.

These days, I'm struggling to find that peace.   We have many things going on right now and I have been a stress basket over each and everyone of them.  I keep crying out to God, telling Him I give it to Him.  But in reality, I really haven't.  I'm trying and trying and trying to release it, but I can't.  I don't know how.  WHY??


....Because I'm a control freak!


****Sad Day, right?



Yea, sad day is right.  Because until I learn to release that control, I will never experience the fruit that comes with giving God all the control in my life.  As I sit and think about all the craziness that is in our lives these days, I think is it really worth it?

NO! it's not.

I find myself running in the opposite direction of God and in that opposite direction, I find....pain, suffering, emptiness, loneliness, aggression, resentment.  All these things are serious and seriously no fun.  Especially when I bring all these feelings into my marriage.  Does it effect Justin? oh you betcha! I have always struggled to find balance in my life and a steady routine if you will.   Do I need to trust that  God will provide with all things, YES! Do i need to stop worrying, YES! So why is it so hard?


****Because I'm human? Yes.


So what do I need to do to rectify all these things?  Pray! Be in the word.  Push aside temptation and rebuke evil things.  Stay true to what God wants for my life and bare the fruit that He is so willing to freely give!

I've pushed God aside one to many times, but you know what? He still loves me.  I might not know all the Bible verses, I might not be some wonder Christian who knows everything, but I do know this! God loves me.  Like He really really loves me.  No matter how many times I fail Him, He will NEVER fail me.  Because He's awesome like that.

Hello Fall!

So this past weekend, I was feeling the itch to be crafty, and make something.  It's when I feel at peace and the world is right.....since i've been feeling so opposite of that, I decided it was the perfect remedy! I decided to make a fall wreath for our front door! This is how it turned out! 

And the best part...wait for it...It was only $10 bucks! for everything! I was so happy how it came out! I love looking at my front door when I come home now! 

This past week, I have been asking begging God to reveal Himself to me. I have seen so much and it's funny how at the time, you think nothing of it.  But, as I'm looking back, I can see how He purposefully placed Himself among me.  From talking with some dear friends last night at dinner, God revealed to me no matter how bad we think OUR situation is, it's NOT the worst.  There is someone out there far worse off than you, so be grateful! 

I know that God is always there for us.  The way I fall more and more in love with God is through music.  Yesterday at church, God really spoke through me in worship.  The sermon was smack dab in my face.  Colassians 3:1-16.  Basically kill the bad out of your life, let the goodness in.  There are so many things in my life right now, that I just need to get rid of....and not tomorrow...NOW! Why is it so hard for our flesh to get rid of such things? I don't get it! It's poison to your soul! 

Anyways....I cannot wait for fall to get here.   This heat needs to go now! Like peace out! 

What are you guys most excited about for Fall?