We all have our demons we all have our ugly and things we don't share on the outside. But sometimes, no matter what or how ugly it is, it can set you free to get it out.
I won't change for you. I am who I am and if your not OK with that, fine. But don't try to change me. No, I don't always say the right thing or make the right joke. My jokes are dumb and out of line. I'm my fathers daughter. I'm awkward and I don't always know what to say. I get uncomfortable and moody.
I just feel like my life is a mess and i know that life is work
i just have a hard time putting myself out there
its like i don't know where to start
i like to run.
when i don't know what to do or don't want to face something
i feel so off balance
i don't know why i feel like this
i don't understand
why can't i be carefree and balanced
and have all my ducks in a row
have a great relationship with God
and just be ok
i don't get it
words are just words but they can hurt so deep and so long. let me be who i am,
i am me....this is me. i'm not going to change for you
i won't conform to how you want me
i'm sorry if i'm not good enough
If i'm not good enough then where does that leave me? no where and nothing. I know i need to find the inner strength to grow and find myself. I feel like I don't even know who I am when i look in the mirror and i'm so far buried that i have no clue how to find myself. I hate being the downer of everyone. i hate the way it makes me feel like people are just my friend to feel sorry for me.
I know this sounds all sorts of crazy and I continue to care to much about what people think of me. I constantly analyze what they think of me and judge me for what I say. I feel like i have built this wall up around me in the form of fat, so that i can protect myself against certain things.
Praying to God and crying out works. I know it does, but when you exert so much energy to cry out and nothing in a physical form retaliates, its hard. its hard when God is physically silent. when all i want to hear him say is i love you and feel Him wrap His arms around me. I want to feel so close to Him that I cry out for thankfulness that He loves me so much and I can't even begin to understand why. I want my relationship with Him to be simple, and I feel like church sometimes makes it so complicated. You can do this and you can't do that or else you won't be saved. I want to just be me. I know that I can be, but then why do I feel bad about who I am? Why do I feel ashamed of my short comings. Why can't I be good enough? Why do I put so much worth in what others say or think? Can I get an erase button for my life and start again, and only keep the good parts? nope, sorry love, life doesn't work that way. I know I have to push through it and change. Change is good. Change is needed. I think it's time for change. But how? Where do I start?...
And the cycle begins all over again.........
It is so good you can be open and honest about these things and these feelings. I am so proud of you and look up to you in so many ways Amber. You are an amazing woman.....
ReplyDelete......maybe it is no longer time to analyze but to DO something about these thoughts and troubles. Put your mind to action to rid your mind of distractions. I love you, lets have girl time soon.
Loving God and yourself is the ultimate way to calm these strains and anxieties love. Change is good and is amazing for these parts of life.
Start with the only variable you have control over, start with you :) One loving second at a time.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit, and we all know this. It is time to embrace the inner rock my dear.
Amber, I was just listening to something this morning that was telling the story about a little boy who procrastinated on a school project about birds. I know I tell weird stories, but listen to this one. The day before it was due, he was panicked. Absolutely in a freaked-out sweat. His dad told him that the only thing that he could do was to take the report "bird by bird." And that is what you need to do,take each issue you have "bird by bird." And don't be so hard on yourself! Think of your problems abstractly and try to figure the advice you would give to a friend about the same issue. You would use kinder words on a friend, and you would mean them. So use them on yourself because you are wonderful. And you need to remember that!
ReplyDelete♥♥♥