Throw up session....you've been warned....

This post is just going to be me writing to get some things off my chest.  I need an outlet and writing is that for me.  I don't do it very often as of lately, so I need to do some unloading. It might not make sense to you, but those of you who actually read this and are close to me, might understand some of it.  

We all have our demons  we all have our ugly and things we don't share on the outside.  But sometimes, no matter what or how ugly it is, it can set you free to get it out.  

I won't change for you.  I am who I am and if your not OK with that, fine.  But don't try to change me.  No, I don't always say the right thing or make the right joke. My jokes are dumb and out of line.  I'm my fathers daughter.  I'm awkward and I don't always know what to say.  I get uncomfortable and moody.  


I just feel like my life is a mess and i know that life is work
i just have a hard time putting myself out there
its like i don't know where to start
i like to run.
when i don't know what to do or don't want to face something
i feel so off balance
i don't know why i feel like this
i don't understand
why can't i be carefree and balanced
and have all my ducks in a row
have a great relationship with God
and just be ok
i don't get it
words are just words but they can hurt so deep and so long. let me be who i am,
i am me....this is me. i'm not going to change for you
i won't conform to how you want me

i'm sorry if i'm not good enough

If i'm not good enough then where does that leave me? no where and nothing. I know i need to find the inner strength to grow and find myself. I feel like I don't even know who I am when i look in the mirror and i'm so far buried that i have no clue how to find myself. I hate being the downer of everyone. i hate the way it makes me feel like people are just my friend to feel sorry for me.

I know this sounds all sorts of crazy and I continue to care to much about what people think of me. I constantly analyze what they think of me and judge me for what I say. I feel like i have built this wall up around me in the form of fat, so that i can protect myself against certain things.

Praying to God and crying out works. I know it does, but when you exert so much energy to cry out and nothing in a physical form retaliates, its hard. its hard when God is physically silent. when all i want to hear him say is i love you and feel Him wrap His arms around me. I want to feel so close to Him that I cry out for thankfulness that He loves me so much and I can't even begin to understand why. I want my relationship with Him to be simple, and I feel like church sometimes makes it so complicated. You can do this and you can't do that or else you won't be saved. I want to just be me. I know that I can be, but then why do I feel bad about who I am? Why do I feel ashamed of my short comings. Why can't I be good enough? Why do I put so much worth in what others say or think? Can I get an erase button for my life and start again, and only keep the good parts? nope, sorry love, life doesn't work that way. I know I have to push through it and change. Change is good. Change is needed. I think it's time for change. But how? Where do I start?...

And the cycle begins all over again.........

Hello 2013!

So far 2013 has been a great year! We've been to a wedding, we've been on vacation to Seattle, we've seen lots of family and will continue to see lots of family.  One big thing for us that will be happening this year is.....We will be OUT OF DEBT! yup you heard right! I think i'm the most excited for that one.  It has been a 4 1/2 year process of getting out of debt for us.  Yup it's taken us a long time, but we did it! We survived lost jobs, sickness, and health throughout the last almost 5 years.  It's been a crazy ride, but we wouldn't have it any other way!

We are also making, or trying to make some huge adjustments in our day to day lives.  We started tithing this year for the first time in our marriage.  Why do I put it out there??? It's not something people talk about a whole lot, but seeing as we haven't done it for so long and we are just now starting to, calls for some rejoicing.  Here's why........We are still tight. We are not out of the woods financially yet.  We have to trust God that He will provide for us, despite us giving money to Him that we could be building our savings with and aren't.  I want to give it all to God, but I know we can't.  We have to live, but I know the importance of giving and sacrificing.  I want God to know I'm serious about giving him the reins.  I want to let go and let Him take charge of our lives.  For both Justin and I, this goes beyond stretching ourselves, its stretching ourselves spiritually as well.  I'm sure tithing is just that for most of you.  We are learning about margin right now at church. It's so eye opening and has really started to resound with Justin and myself.  I think of all the not responsible ways we are spending our money and what are we giving to God to further His kingdom... nothing....until yesterday when we started to tithe.  I actually feel peace about the whole thing.

We are starting to eat healthy and we are going to start jogging so that we can do a 5K in June.  We are determined to get in shape and get healthy and make the gym a part of our daily routine. It's definitely a struggle for myself.  I struggle with my mood and being in my head.  It's more about actually going through the process of something and being around other people.  Feeling like I might just fail the bar that I've raised so high for myself.  I know I just need to stop and just do it, but I just get so defeated which makes me feel so so weak.  It's a new year and a new day, I will take each one, one at a time. 

There's so much in this year that I want to accomplish.  I want to be a better, more intentional version of myself...which means saying yes to more of the good things in my life, and not just saying no because it sounds scary or its out of my comfort zone.  Being more intentional with my kindness and my words.  Making sure my words aren't affecting someone negatively.  It's super hard to make these changes, oh I know.  These are goals that I'm setting for myself.  Something that I want to gradually move forward onto.  I guess apart of that is not letting people effect me as much as they do.   Part of me needs to guard my heart against negative things and people.  Time for some positive pants, size everlasting! Yup, I'll take 10 pairs of those, thanks! 

I want to grow with God.  I want to be at a place where I feel good about my relationship with God and not constantly wondering if I'm okay with him.  I want to feel confident and connected.  That will only come from me.  I know that.  I need to find great ways to connect with him.  I find myself tearing up while I'm driving because I'm so thankful for everything that God has given Justin and I.  I find myself, in the midst of complaining(which I do ALOT) or just feeling really down in the dumps about our situation, that God has us right where HE wants us.  We are in "OUR" situation for a reason.  I might not always know what that is, BUT He is good and He is good all of the time. 

Another one of my goals for this year is to do more crafts.  It it is my outlet.  Creating things for my home or other people.  I would really love to start making birthday presents and such for others and just see how crafty  I can be.  I love pinterest for that exact thing! Thank you who ever made pinterest...you are a genious!

I hope you all have had a fabulous start to the new year so far! Best wishes and may God bless you all greatly this year!