One of my amazing, most genuine, most amazing best friends is currently and has been on the hunt for balance in her life. I try to help her and give her sound advice about her job and life in general, as well as just listen to what she is going through. She has a tough job, a respectable job, but non the less it is a very tedious and demanding job. Last night while we hung out after an amazing kickoff to Glendale Relay for Life, we were talking about balancing life again. I suddenly realized that as much as my life looks balanced on the outside....it's really not.
So then I started to think about what is my problem! Mostly I think about why I cannot get fully motivated to loose weight. What is keeping me back? Why can I find EVERY in the book to not do it! When I had my personal trainer, Keva, for 3 weeks, I did pretty well actually. I was pretty proud of myself. But when it came to cardio on my own, I completely failed. I came up with some reason why I couldn't make it to the gym that day. To tell you the truth, I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety issues lately, and it is finally to the point where my doctor thinks I need to see a psychiatrist. Oh JOY!
WAIT WHAT!
A psychiatrist? Are you kidding me?....were my thoughts exactly! I do not want meds, I do not want someone telling me I'm crazy!
Which is exactly how it makes me feel!
But I figure if i'm there to talk about anxiety, then maybe I will be fine. Maybe they will just tell me ways I can channel my anxiety to be productive.
More so than anything along side anxiety, I think all of this comes down to my self worth. How much do I think I am worth to be healthy? For me, for Justin, for our future kiddos. Apparently, it must not be very high if I can't do anything about it. I just wonder when will that change? What needs to happen in order for me to be kicked in the gut and realize that it's a lifestyle and not just something I need to do. What is it that is going to click? All these things ring true in my mind, and yet I cannot get the will power to get off the dang couch and move! I feel intimidated and almost lost in myself when these feelings come into play of me not wanting to do it.
Anywho.......all my friends have tried to help me in some way, and I just couldn't get through it. Hopefully there will be a change sooner than later. For my health's sake.
